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Hi. So I’m not exactly sure where to begin. I don’t fully understand what is wrong with me and I’m just wondering if there is someone out there why experiences similar things and if they know what it is.
I have a constant fear that I’m dying or going to die. I can’t touch something odd (like cleaning spray residue) without then having to wash my hands and worrying it’s going to seep into my skin and poison me.
If I eat something that I’m not familiar with and see something weird in it - I instantly think that it’s going to kill me. I had a muffin the other day that had a piece of green in it and I went into a full blown panic attack thinking it was marijuana and that I was going to get high and die.
I’m scared to fill my car up with gas because I don’t want any residue touching me.
I constantly check my pulse and count my BPM.
I feel a weird tinge in my body and instantly think I’m dying or there’s something wrong. I go to the doctor at least once a month to check my blood pressure (used to be more but I’m trying to reduce myself from going).
There’s so much more but I’m just so over feeling this way. I feel so alone and like no one understands what I’m going through. I just want to feel “normal” 😔

Remembering this engulfed me with nostalgia as I was greeted with those familiar faces again but older which was accompanied with terror as they took turns at me and when they had their fill they stood there ensuring they had taken me out of this world too.

We’re both in our early 20s. Im sorry for the long post, just want everyone to get a clear picture of the situation. You can skip to the end if you want.
I’ve been with Cam for a few months now. When we met, it was like sparks were flying. It was an instant connection and we would always say we met at the right time. We both were getting out of our party stage and buckling down on more important aspects of our lives.
3 weeks ago we had an amazing weekend. We opened up so much to each other and just stayed inside the house enjoying our presence. He told me he wouldn’t be able to see me during the week bc of work and i understood. We work opposite schedules and he lives far away so i didn’t ask to see him at all during the week. 1st weekend came and he told me he couldn’t see me bc he had to help his friend with his mom. His friend mom had cancer so again, no trying to convince him to come. Memorial Day he only texted me good morning and then when he got off work but was silent. The next day, he came into my town because he had to give his brother something (his brother lives in my town) and stopped by. He told me that over the weekend he went to say his final goodbyes to his friends mom and she passed away on Memorial Day. He started crying and i comforted him. I only saw him for maybe 20 minutes before he said he had to go to see his friend. We kissed bye and he said he would see me soon.
That week he had a tooth removal procedure and the funeral but Saturday told me he had his bag packed to come over. But suddenly he tells me his mom is freaking out on him and he can’t come. He lives with his parents and i can tell they have a big say on what he can and can’t do. I mean i get it, one we’re both Hispanic so that’s a whole different story when it comes to parents and 2. You live under their roof, you follow their rules no matter how old you are.
I got annoyed bc since Wednesday, he was telling me he would come see me everyday but then something would happen that he couldn’t but i never showed annoyance towards it. I didn’t put any blame on him, i just said i was sad bc i kept getting my hopes up to then feel let down but i understand it’s been a crazy + tough 2 weeks so to just not tell me that he’s coming until he knows for sure. The comment he made after i said that just made me feel like his parents had something to do with it. He told me that i do live far so he understands why his parents be tripping out on him. Then he said to just give him a good day to drive his truck down here and he’s sorry, that he’s not trying to bail on me. When he comes to see me, he always drives the “family car” which is a newer car and never his truck bc it’s old and he’s nervous to drive it so far. He drove it here once and told me he had to fill it up twice and it was almost $100. For him to tell me he needs to find a good day to bring his truck here just tells me his parents don’t want him driving to my city so they probably aren’t letting him use the family car knowing he can’t take the truck to see me. That would be $100 everytime for just a few hours. He had also been a little distant, he was taking longer to respond and wasn’t being as expressive, he would always send me snaps and voice notes but stopped and just being closed off.
The next couple days we were okay, but then Monday night, things just started to feel off. On Tuesday our communication was basically none and he just didn’t seem to be all there. Wednesday i asked if we could talk and just said i noticed he was being distant and if he still wanted to pursue something with me. That I’m wondering if there was anything he wasn’t telling me and i just want to be able to support him in any way possible but feel like I’m in the dark. I’ve just had this intuition feeling that part of his behavior had to do with his parents and wanted to see if he would tell me.
It took him 6 hours to respond and he told me I it’s been a difficult few weeks and has been dealing with everything. That i haven’t done anything wrong and been great and he doesn’t want me to feel like I’m on the back burner but he needs to change some things about himself and thinks it’s best if he stays to himself. He would feel bad dragging me along and I’ve done nothing but show him love. It’s just not good timing and he doesn’t want to lie and string me along.
He caught me off guard. He did this once, about 2 weeks in, he got in trouble with his dad because we were on the phone at 4am and he tried to run away but we talked about it and he admitted he was scared but that we were in this together. He says i deserve a lot and he wants to give it to me so he needs to focus on him so he can focus on us. Since that conversation, he didn’t try to run away until now.
This time feel like that but only this time, he didn’t engage with what i said back. The only part he responded too was one of me saying that i needed my game console back as family is visiting and i needed it to distract the little kids. He told me he would give it to my friend who lives in the same city as him. That to me also just showed signs that he either can’t or isn’t allowed to come to my city. But then I said why couldn’t he bring it, he took it so he needs to bring it back and he said he works doubles the next few days but will stop by on Tuesday.
I just said okay and we haven’t talked since then. That was earlier today and idk. Something inside of me just says this isn’t over. Who knows if he’ll come on Tuesday but i don’t plan on reaching back out to him until then. I’m not going to post on social media and try to make it seem like i want him to notice me. We have each others locations and he hasn’t turned his off for me either.
I know Aquarius has a tendency of running away when things start getting serious and with all the stuff he’s had going on, i just think he feels overwhelmed. I still also feel like his parents are playing a heavy role. The thing about cam, he won’t tell me things over text, only in person. Like with his friends mom, i just thought he was helping his friend out and it wasn’t until i saw him that i found out it was to say his last goodbye.
When he comes over, I’m not sure how to act. I want him to come inside but i don’t want to push him too hard. I know once we’re in person, he’ll most likely open up. I think the no communication until then is a good idea but it’s the seeing him in person that i don’t know how to approach. Is this just him pushing away because he stressed? What is my best course of action right now. I just don’t believe this is a case of losing feelings, this is something deeper than that.

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Who are we?
Advance Appliance is the right place to contact you to help you to solve problems with your appliances, lawn equipment, and heating and cooling systems. Our goal is to solve the problem and make it easier. Appliance repair can be a daunting task, but we’re here to help. Let our appliance repair technicians repair your appliance.
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My M28 partner got anger issues. A little context about us: I am a full-time nursing student, and my partner is a full-time resident at the hospital. We moved in together two years ago due to his placement of residency. He is a full-time employer at a well-known hospital and pays all the bills. I do not pay the bill since I am in the 2-year nursing accelerated program. I will be graduating close to December. My Asian parents noticed my partner had hair horns sticking out, aka in our culture. He had a stubborn and mean attitude. Those who are Asian know what I am talking about 🥺 One piece of advice was that I must be careful of his anger. I have been with him for 3 years, and his anger issues get worst each time we fight over small trivial stuff. He says the meanest stuff to me, like calling bitch, stupid, asshole, etc. He likes to degrade my worth. His biggest pet peeve is being ignored. My partner thinks he is all that because he is a resident doctor from a well prestigious hospital and a middle-class family. If he want 50k from his parents, he got it. He is pretty spoiled. If he wants something, his parent gives it to him right away. I came from a low-class family where every money we got to save it. For example, he likes to put a door stopper in our apartment because the maintenance guys have our keys. He has a particular way of putting it on, like kicking it till there is a mark on the doorknob. He asked me to put it on, and I did not do it right. Immediately he scolded me for being dumb and stupid for not knowing how to put a doorstopper on. This occurred several times when he thought I was a modified idiot. Second example is when I'm studying for my med surg quizzes, and he likes to ask me questions about where I put the pulse ox finger machine. Random stuff like that. I said I do not remember, and you can find it yourself. He got angry at me, saying how I am so dumb and that is why he cannot trust me with things because I forget where I put them. He gave the whole lecture on you should know where you put the stuff otherwise, how can you provide good treatment to patients? The third example, this past month, my boyfriend wants to visit his brother's friends to drink at someone's house. I told my bf that let me take your car so I can pick you up later. He said no, why should you take the car ? My bf got drunk by 2am cannot drive at all. I had to tell my mom to drop me off at my bf friend's house so I could take us home. I went home, and he yelled at me, saying how I didn't trust him and his friends. I told him that you will never find anyone like me who will pick up someone at 2am after drinking. He scolded me, saying, " if you go back to your mom's house right now, find someone else. I will not show a tear for you or ask you to come back to my place. I am a full fledge doctor, and I could find someone easily. This broke my heart 🥹I went on the verge of crying, and he did not say sorry. Today recently, I have been collecting a lot of the new groceries bag because I can use it store my foods. I filled the cabinet with them, and the bag came rushing out when my bf opened it. He immediately took them out and said that need to be gone. This is my home and my rules. It is my say to keep it or not. I pay all the bills, and you need to listen to me. If you ever pissed me bf, he expects ten times worst for you than him. When I get pissed, I never want the worst for someone. Every time we talk about buying a house when I graduate and how he wants to marry me. All these feelings are dull moments because I feel he does not love me, nor is he considerate of my feelings when things go south. When he is happy, things are rosy. Promises will become empty when he is mad. I feel like he treats his resident coworkers with respect. If they cry or need help, he is always there. I need advice 🥺 this is my first relationship

I never replay games. I’m more of a one and done it kind of guy, but something about ATB’s gameplay and story compelled me to play it not once, not twice, but four times at the time of writing. It certainly helps that the game is short (although I think the universal praise of The Outer Wilds demonstrates that this isn’t a bad thing).
My latest playthrough clocked in at ~35 minutes at the time of writing in order to get the Toot Sweet achievement. Ironically, this exact pursuit of achievements led me to get the Librarian achievement and, ultimately, finally read all the story notes chronologically.
Notwithstanding, ATB is a nauseatingly haunting game on harder difficulties. The monster is deadly, the resources are scarce, the tone is grim, and the darkness encompasses it all. Above all of this, the story is worth telling and I posit that the game’s genre, coupled with the Amnesia brand being notoriously terrifying if PewDewPie is to be believed, will prevent a lot of people from playing it. That’s such a shame.
Without further obfuscation, I want to encourage you to play the game; immerse yourself in its world and discover its truth for yourself. Your appreciation for the story will only compound the more time you spend stalking the halls of the unnamed bunker it takes place in.
For those of you that don’t care to play it, but appreciate a good story, read ahead. SPOILER WARNING.
ATB’s story begins before the player ever takes control of the protagonist, Henri Clemont, a Soldier in the French Army at the Battle of Pozieres during World War I.
April 1916 – Toussaint Beaufoy – What Could Be Worse than War?
On 2 April, 1916, Henri’s embattled unit receives orders to dig their bunker deeper so that their chain of command can laud it as a symbol of French patriotism and eventual victory in the war.
The calamity of World War I, having already wrought havoc on the bodies and minds of Henri’s unit, is only intensified by these foolhardy orders. This bunker is destined to become “a rancid, stinking pit. A void, a hole. Full of men, scared and confused.”
Eight days later, on 10 April, Henri’s compatriot, Toussaint Beaufoy, pens a poem We Whirl the World that reflects on the grim events of the war and foreshadows the events of the game.

We whirl the world
The world we whirl
It all gets lost in a terrible twirl
Can’t see the sun for all the smoke
Can’t see the ground for all the dead folk
Can’t see the ocean, can’t see the trees
So I stay here down on my knees
We whirl the world
The world we whirl
It all gets lost in a binding twirl
A snarl in the dark
A sad day in the park
A stone reminder
A horse’s dirty blinder
A child’s empty hand
A friend’s stained armband
The news of the day on the stand
We whirl the world
The world we whirl
It all gets lost in a bloody twirl
What comes next around the bend?
Maybe it’ll be some kind of end
More likely another shrill, shrill whistle,
Magic that turns men into gristle.
We whirl the world
The world we whirl
It all gets lost and still we twirl

Henri’s unit begins digging and on 30 April, another soldier, Alex Noyer, extrapolates on why the unit has been ordered to dig: the bunker lay atop Roman ruins that extend towards the German lines. The command wants to use these prebuilt tunnels to launch a surprise attack on the enemy. However, Noyer’s interest lay more in the archaeological significance of the dig.
With the dig well underway, the other soldiers begin to experience haunting symptoms. Notably, Beaufoy, who witnesses some horror on the night of 5 May, that shatters his psyche. He refuses to discuss what he witnessed with anybody, yet he revels in it; “I want to go back to that place. I want to feel that way. I want the violence and the ecstasy and the pitch-black darkness.”
May 1916 - Alex Noyer’s Journal - Digging Up a Dark Secret
A week later (9 May), Noyer is presented with archaic texts uncovered during the digging. He begins to read them and discovers the texts are not of typical Roman writings. Rather, the texts are religiously significant repeating the phrase “to cross into darkness and beyond.”
These texts originated from a people that believed they found the key to immortality, a blessing bestowed upon them from some “other world… dominated by darkness… ruled by something…” These damned texts went on to describe this world as “full of spirits, monsters and that the air there was endlessly alive with cries of torment and the sickly rattle of souls near death.”
The tunnels that the men were digging were used by this ancient people as a portal to this “pagan hell.”
This manifested in our world as the need for the followers to commit sickening acts that appealed to the primal instincts of humanity; “blood orgies, of sadistic spirits, of the awful things these men and women would do to each other in worship of darkness” and a magical liquid that would grant the believer’s immortality in darkness.
Noyer enters the tunnels sometime on 14 May, and discovers more of the cursed history of the tunnels. “The Romans used these tunnels to hold sadistic bacchanals, great festivals of cruel combat, torture and worse... held in an arena over a great pit.” His command writes him off as paranoid, and Noyer resolves to enter the tunnels.
On 25 May, Noyer is recovered after screaming in the damp excavation sight until his vocal cords were annihilated – alive but utterly terrified.
June 1916 - Farber - Am I Out of Touch? No, It’s the Soldiers Who Are Wrong.
Noyer warns his brother-in-arms about the texts and truth of the ruins they are excavating. As the truth and panic spread, the Command begins punishing those who speak of the more sinister presence that is permeating the halls of the bunker.
Throughout the month of May, the soldiers are gripped with a waking terror that seeps into their dreams, all the while having to fight a war notorious for its brutality. Noyer writes, “we’re stuck between the Germans in front of us, high command behind us, and some other horrible force that seems to lurk in shadows all around us. I fear we are now truly beyond God’s reach.”
Rumors of the truth that Noyer uncovered begin to spread amongst the men. Despite taking the assertions of the malevolent presence seriously, the command chooses to contain the panic through force.
Incensed by Noyer’s ominous warnings, a rebellion is formed on 28 May with a soldier only known as “Farber” at its helm. The mission is simple: contain the evil of the tunnels by sabotaging the digging efforts with a cave in. Farber notes that each of the five recruits is exceptionally eager to end the waking nightmare, particularly Beaufoy.
Their efforts are successful and the soldiers experience a brief abatement from the ever-present fear, only to be discovered and subsequently tortured by their Commanding Officers, Reynard and Delpy. None are spared the persecution, save for Beaufoy, who is presumed to have been killed in the blast that undoes the dig. The last thing any other soldier saw of him was Beaufoy telling them he had “other work to do,” whilst pointing to his own eyes.
Despite the ordeal, no participant reveals Farber as the mastermind, and Farber is forever indebted to the brotherhood.
The officers of the unit do four things in the wake of this unthinkable act of insubordination: (1) abandon the tunnel, (2) punish the conspirators, (3) send the remaining men on dangerous combat patrols and (4) order more wine. No lesson learned, no warning heed.
Of minor note, on the evening of 30 June, after one such combat patrol, a German prisoner is captured. Small recompense for the men routinely thrown into the meat grinder of enemy machine guns and command tribunals.
July 1916 – Henri Clément – Buddy Fucker with a Conscious
Another such raid is ordered on 8 July, and Henri has a plan to not go. Henri and his best friend, Augustin Lambert, decide that the winner of a game of chance will not have to risk their life this evening and the other will go in their friend’s place. Henri cheats, rationalizing it as a harmless prank, condemning Lambert to endure the battlefield once more. Henri is sure Lambert will return, unscathed, and cannot wait to see the look on his face when he learns what Henri did.
Only, Lambert doesn’t return. As the dusk of 8 July turns into dawn, Henri is wrought with guilt. He resolves to recover his friend. It is here, that the player finally takes control of the protagonist.
Henri discovers Lambert at the bottom of a pit. Not a crater from artillery, a borderline incomprehensibly large depression. Henri makes his way down and renders aid to his battered, but alive, compatriot. Henri gathers water from the pit, and nurses his friend before they attempt to escape.

Patrol Report – 10 July 1916
Odd occurrences last night. Sdt. Lambert, thought dead after his patrol on the 8th, returned to the barracks in fine health. He carried with him Sdt. Clément – severely wounded from an explosion.
Lambert reports the following:
-That midway through his patrol on the 8th he fell into a deep crater and was unable to escape.
-Clément, his close friend, snuck out after him last night, located him in the crater, and carried him out.
-They were spotted and in the ensuing attack, Clément was injured by an explosion. It fell on Lambert to carry him back.
Very odd that Lambert was neither injured from the fall nor the explosion AND that he ended up saving the man who came to save him.
But battlefield luck is an odd thing. In every life, fate’s winds blow erratic.
Judging by Lambert’s description, the crater he fell into seems to have been located very close to the Roman tunnels we unearthed. It may have been a result of work down there.
Recommend a future patrol to investigate and make sure we have not opened a backdoor into our own bunker.

Henri remains comatose for ten(?) days.
July 1916 – Augustin Lambert – The Nightmare Is Only Beginning
Lambert, having dodged death, reflects on the events of his ill-fated patrol. His loss of hope at the bottom of the inescapable pit, and the angelic reprieve he received from Henri. He notes how the water Henri nursed him with “was cool and crisp, with a strange, sweet taste. Never has water felt more nourishing than that, administered by a dear friend’s hand.”
Despite surviving, Lambert’s survival is dampened by the loss of a toy he bought for his son – the toy he believes to be in the pit where he almost lost his life.
Lambert grows stronger by the day. However, with Lambert’s return, so do the haunts that plagued his fellow Soldiers. Scratching at the walls and an overt ghostly howling emanates throughout the halls at night.
July 1916 – Stéphane Joubert – Oh Yeah, The Murders.
The first to fall Reynard on 15 July. Hardly a loss after his treatment of the soldiers, but certainly a catalyst for even further distrust.
Stéphane Joubert, another officer, reflects on the evening of the murder in his journal. He had heard a commotion in the hallway, but assumed it be Reynard drunk on his secret stash of wine. No one was aware anything was wrong until they heard the screaming. He is concerned for the harshness in which his fellow officers treat the men, particularly in the wake of this death.
The remaining officers interrogate the men, after all, a murderer was so clearly amongst them.
Paranoia grips the men, who are the prime suspects due to their contempt for Reynard. But the brutality and sadistic nature of the murder was beyond the pale? The autopsy read:

Body of Sgt. Reynard.
Multiple lacerations. Chest cavity torn to shreds. Every rib cracked. Skull cracked open by repeated blunt force trauma.
Who could have done this to him?

Amid the violence, Farber, driven mad by the resurgence of the haunting presence, resolves to kill it himself to atone for being the only man left unpunished for the tunnel sabotage. When the evil presence, emboldened by the murder of Reynard, returns, Farber is there. He shoots the Beast and it retreats into the shadows.
But it did not forget. It returned ten minutes later and pulled Farber into the wall, “screaming… praying for salvation.”
The men note something familiar about the Beast as it continues to hunt them; like it knows who they are.
The officers abandon the men, escaping and blowing the entrance to the bunker behind them – condemning the soldiers to evisceration by an unkillable force. Joubert, the only bastion of morality amongst the officers, is among the escapees all the same He leaves the men one chance at salvation.

Fournier, our commanding officer!, cowers next to me now. He’s lost his mind to an abyss of fear…
He wants to run, to blow up the exit behind him.. Sealing the demon down here… The demon AND our men.
His constant refrain, it is getting to me… and that same void of terror… it is also overtaking me.
To any of my men who see this: once we’re free of this place, I will get the arsenal code from him. I will get it and I will radio it back to you.
Trapped down here with that beast, the arsenal may be your only hope. It’s all I can do. All I have courage to do…
Get to the communications room in the Soldier Quarters. Hide there. I’ll broadcast the code to you.
-Joubert

The men, responded to such hollow words:

The officers have abandoned us! They ran from the beast and blew the exit closed behind them. Even Joubert…
They called us cowards and traitors and worse… Hypocrites. Now they’ve doomed us.
Whatever hell we suffer now, it is on them. God will punish them for what they’ve done.

July 1916 – Henri Clément – The Game Begins
The game begins with Henri awakening in the hospital bed from comatose state. He doesn’t remember the past, but that’s why we have spent about 2400 words going over that. The gameplay of Amnesia is self-explanatory – gather resources, avoid the monster, escape.
In order to accomplish this goal Henri has several sub objectives that, for convenience, we’ll cover in two parts: Get the Dynamite and Get the Detonation Handle. This isn’t a walk through, every playthrough of the game is different, but you learn the fates of several characters through extrapolating on the relationship between the notes and the game itself. Play the game and get stalked by the monster for the horror experience.
Get the Dynamite (Located in the Armory):
· Located in the armory, Henri first needs to retrieve a code to unlock said armory. The code, you recall, Joubert promised to broadcast to the soldiers. After solving the daisy chain issue in the Soldier’s Quarters and finding the requisite key, Henri makes his way to the communication room. Joubert is true to his word, he is still broadcasting the code. Henri can now retrieve the dynamite.
Get the Detonator Handle (Located in the Tunnels):
· First order of business is to recover a ratchet wrench that allows access into the Prisoner Control room in the Prison section of the bunker. The wrench is in Foreman Stafford’s locker, but you’ll have to find the code. Henri discovers that Stafford made his way to the Bunker’s Pillbox as a means of escape. However, the Pillbox is locked with the only key being in the bunker’s Chapel. Henri makes his way to the chapel to uncover an unholy display of twisted bodies – an achievement pops up revealing this is the Beast’s nest. In the confessional, Henri discovers the priest (otherwise insignificant to the story) nailed to the wall. He recovers the key and returns to the Pillbox. At the top, Stafford is there, a bullet through the eye from an enemy sniper – a grim reminder that you’re still fighting a war.
· The wrench is to help gain access to the Captured German Prisoner’s cell, left abandoned; Geneva Convention be damned. What we want in the cell is a pair of bolt cutters that had been used to torture the prisoner. Opening his cell alerts the monster, whom promptly murders the poor prisoner (although there is a slightly happier disposition in which you retrieve the bolt cutters before the Beast gets to him – are you quick enough to save his life? Do you even want to?)
· The bolt cutters grant access to the chained-shut tunnels. The haunted tunnels. The Pagan Hell. Ghostly apparitions due exist down here skulking the fog teasing you with the evil you’ve read so much about. Impossible rock formations alongside Roman statues and columns, this place is truly unearthly. But then you hear a voice, the first voice you’ve heard since the prisoner you couldn’t understand died. “We whirl the world…” Its Beaufoy, whom has gouged his own eyes out and roams the fog with a shotgun and homicidal intent – still more work to do. He will kill you, so you must put your fellow soldier down. Is it better this way? At least that shotgun is yours now *finger guns*.
· If you explore a little more, after finding the detonator handle, you’ll find a small tunnel that leads to the pit. The pit the game began in, the pit with the small rabbit toy Lambert lost. Shit, what happened to Lambert?
You retreat to the beginning of the game. Hook up the dynamite and blow it. Make your way to escape. You find yourself at a grand arena above a bottomless pit. With the Beast standing between you and salvation. Is there really a boss battle in this game? Winning it reveals the final truth.
Lambert is the monster. Your best friend, corrupted by the water you nursed into him to save his life. Presenting the toy to him prior to the final battle when he tries to kill you causes him to take it, run to his fucked-up chapel nest, and place it on a pedestal. There is still humanity there, and that’s why he recognized those he killed.
But this is a grand arena over a great pit, and losers go into the pit. Use the toy to hold the monster up on the destructible bridges and, while he plays with it, blast the bridge itself – pulling the literal floor out from underneath him – eternal darkness awaits.
Now flee, make your way to salvation. You see sunlight. You breach the rocks and roll down a slope into a pit of dead comrades. At least you’re free of that beast.
As you bask in the light you hear “SCHNELL, SCHNELL” and searchlights beginning to scan where you just fell from.
Fuck, you’re still in a war.
A grotesquely unsettling story of overcoming shitty circumstances and still losing. What’s that like an 8? Probably an 8.

I guess I should put a little bit about me. I’m 19m from Canada. I spend most of my time watching or playing sports, fishing, gambling, working out and sometimes video games. I’m currently at my grandmas and none of my friends live near me so I have a lot of free time on my hands normally. Any age is welcome :)

Updating this with some edits as a fair few slots have been taken now...
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So I've been helping out comic fans, so they can get a bit of luxury and indulgence they might not be able to stretch to otherwise...
If you like original comic-style art, or know somebody who does that you want to spoil, or if you just want to flip some art as it's one of the few things to almost always appreciate:
If you have Marvel Legends figures you wanna offload because they no longer fit your collection, or you've changed them out for another version of the character, or you're getting out completely- And you'd just prefer something created specifically, exclusively for you:
I'll do you a commission in return for what I need.
Professional, exclusive art, as cheap as it gets!
I'm looking to fill some gaps and offer some bargain work at the same time- So you help me, I help you! You offload what you don't want, I devote time and skill to you with something that's usually pretty unaffordable.
You've already paid for the figures you don't need, you'll have seen you're unlikely to make your costs back in a flooded secondary marketplace anymore; so now you can trade up and get original art instead but without paying original art prices or anything other than postage!
You pay the postage (figure to me, art to you), but your art is entirely paid for with toys you just don't want or need anymore.
So we're both protected, as a trade: The safest way to do this is always via PayPal 'goods and services'. We each pay the other the value of the deal (so the payments immediately cancel out each other), but we're both fully covered by PayPal if anything goes wrong then. No deal is guaranteed to be completely hassle-free, but this is at least risk-free and fully protected.
I post art fully tracked, so you'll always have confirmation and a method to follow it.
The figure you're trading doesn't need to be boxed at all, I don't collect 'in box', anyway (so postage is much, much cheaper) - Just need it complete, in good condition without defects/flaws, and with all it's accessories (excluding BAF pieces- don't need them).
I'll do you any comics character you like (just not movie/live-action depictions- likenesses take a lot longer so cost a lot more).
There are five options, all for much, much less than would ever be offered otherwise, with the lowest tiers at incredible deals.
Tier one:
Any one figure from list A
= 1 x A5 bust (head, shoulders, some upper chest), black and white, no background detail
Tier two:
Any two figures from list A
= 1 x A4 half body (waist up), black and white, no background detail
Tier three:
Any three figures from list A or any one figure from list B
= 1 x A4 full body, black and white, no background detail
Tier four:
Any five figures from list A or any two figures from list B
= 1 x A4 full body, grey scale, basic background
Tier five:
Any seven figures from list A or any three figures from list B
= 1 x A4 full body, colour washes, standard background
List A
-'Retro'/'Vintage' Black Widow (2017) EDIT: Commission/slot taken/sold
-Black Widow 'Deadly Origin' (2020) EDIT: Commission/slot taken/sold
-Kang (2020) EDIT: Commission/slot taken/sold
-Sub-MarineNamor (2018)
-Shang Chi (2019) EDIT: Commission/slot taken/sold
-Doctor Doom (2019)
-Red Hand Ninja (2021) EDIT: Commission/slot taken/sold
-Walgreens Sue Storm & H.E.R.B.I.E. (2017)
-Bombastic Bagman (2023) EDIT: Commission/slot taken/sold
-Vulture (2019) EDIT: Commission/slot taken/sold
-Hydro Man (2019) EDIT: Commission/slot taken/sold
-Bullseye (2017)
-Elektra (2018)
-Typhoid Mary (2018)
-Deadpool (2016, not knockoff)
-Cloak (2018)
-Dagger (2018)
-Carnage (2020)
-Carnage (2018)
-Quicksilver (from 'Family Matters' set, 2019, blue suit) EDIT: Commission/slot taken/sold
-Walmart Black Panther (2017)
-Jigsaw (2022) EDIT: Commission/slot taken/sold
-Misty Knight (2015)
-Taskmaster (2018)
-Death's Head 2 (2017)
-Molecule Man (2023)
List B
-Deluxe War Machine (2020)
-Walgreen's Moon Knight (white suit) (2020)
-80th Anniversary Hulk (from 2 pack, 2019, not knockoff)
-80th Anniversary Wolverine (from 2 pack, 2019)
-80th Anniversary Thor (2019) EDIT: Commission/slot taken/sold
-'Retro'/'Vintage' Hawkeye (2018)
-'Retro'/'Vintage' Vision (2018) EDIT: Commission/slot taken/sold
-'Retro'/'Vintage' Punisher (2017) EDIT: Commission/slot taken/sold
-Walgreens Punisher (2016)
-Walgreens Mister Fantastic (2018)
-Walgreens Johnny Storm/Human Torch (2017)
-Walgreens Silver Surfer (2018)
-Kraven (2015)
-Kraven (from 2 pack, 2019)
-King Pin (white suit BAF) (2018)
Obviously a lot of these have already been surpassed or superseded by later, better releases, and a few of them will be this year, too (according to the 'leak list' that's so far proven entirely accurate)- So obviously the value of lots of these is permanently dropping: I don't care, they still work for my collection, so my offers stand. Happy to take them off your hands, whether you're downsizing, eliminating unnecessary duplicates, changing up brands, or getting out of the game altogether.
This is a novelty option to turn your unwanted old stuff into a real, personal luxury.
This time I'm just concentrating on comic book figures- in future I'll offer a similar deal for MCU based figures (and, potentially, Black Series figures).
Hope this is multi-beneficial! Feel free to message me and we'll help each other out.
(If you don't know my work, you can see some via my profile here and some on my other socials, which are click-able from here.)
Cheers!

I guess I should put a little bit about me. I’m 19m from Canada. I spend most of my time watching or playing sports, fishing, gambling, working out and sometimes video games. I’m currently at my grandmas and none of my friends live near me so I have a lot of free time on my hands normally. Any age is welcome :)

So I (25F) just moved here like 3 years ago. This is a 7 floors building, there are approximately 20 apartments I believe and all of the neighbors are like really close to each other and know each other for decades and most of them are older than 40 fsr and had always lived here. I first move in with my former fiancé (27M), he is an extrovert and introduced himself to the other neighbors that same day. He is a physician assistant student and he immediately made some friends like a doctor from the 3rd floor and some nurse. When we first moved in I was going through a very bad depression episode. I was diagnosed with depression at 12, I used to handle it but at 21 I went to a traumatic experience (that actually lead me to move here from an apartment that I used to love) so when I was settling in I wasn't in the mood of meeting new neighbors or small talk so I never actually got to know them, but my ex fiancé did. I work from home so I dont usually hang around the building cause I almost never leave my apartment because of my social anxiety and my allergies to the weather of my country most of the year. My ex fiancé on the other hand was always coming and going so he met a lot of the neighbors when going to work or running errands.
So last year I was actually starting to feel kinda better and I began to leave my apartment more often to meet old friends etc. But my relationship with my fiancé was not going too well. We still loved and cared about each other but we weren't working as a couple, it got kinda platonic. We decided to end our relationship and to stop the wedding plans but we continued living together with no drama until he found a nice place to move. He decided that he would be the one who moves because the apartment was too far away from his work anyway and he didn't want me to stress out with another moving after all I went through. There was no rush from me, I wanted him to find his perfect place so he moved temporarily to the guest room and we were living peacefully almost as roommates while he kept looking for apartments. In my opinion we were even happier that way than as a couple. My mental health was improving. I started a new job, mostly from home but hybrid so I had some meetings and it involved some events I had to attend. I was going out the apartment more often and I started to run errands and go to the store almost as a normal person. I was doing my best effort. When I had to share the elevator with another neighbor they used to get really surprised by my presence. They all used to ask if I was visiting or if I was new in the building. I found rather odd the interrogations all the time but I just used to reply that I live in the 7th and that Ive been living here for 2 years now. They were at first usually shocked and then they were like oh yeah you're the physician's fiance. I never got the guts to correct them by saying I was his ex, mostly because he was still around and it just makes no sense so I would wait until he move out to do so.
But 6 months passed and my ex was no where near to move out. It was ok to me to stay as roommates and I didn't felt like it was a big deal that the neighbors believe that we were still a couple. He never corrected them either when they asked him stuff like when was gonna be the wedding. But at that time Ive just met someone at an event from work that I was really into (24M). He asked me out and we went to a few dates that were amazing. There was an awesome connection and we started dating.
We usually hang up at his place because my apartment is kinda far anyway and also I didn't knew how to tell him the situation with my ex/roommate. After 2 months dating I already knew I wanted a relationship with him, I was happier than ever I never had felt that way before, we were both so truly in love so I told him everything and he was totally fine with that and he understood that it was not uncommon for exs to live together for a while until one of them find somewhere to go. He didn't knew that almost 9 months had passed tho.
On the other hand when I told my ex about my new bf that was coming to visit he lost it. I didn't expect him to freak out that way because he used to tell me about his crushes and his dates in that time we were living only as roommates and it was fine I already saw him like a friend amd even gave him advices with girls but he got real mad when I mention the word bf and that he was visiting anytime soon. He said how can you this to me and that he thought I was just sleeping around but he didn't expected something like that.
I immediately realized that maybe he still had some feelings for me so I tried to be as kind as possible and he started to look more seriously for places to move. My bf only came to visit whenever my ex was working all night at the hospital so we don't disturbed him and I was really careful they never crossed knowing how my ex feeling about him. The situation was really awkward and my new bf one day told me that he had very weird encounters at the halls of the buildings with neighbors asking who was him and who was he visiting. At that time I'm pretty sure that most of the neighbors thought that I was having an affair. They never liked me anyway because I was quiet because of my mental issues and they might have take the wrong impression but I was just unable to small talk. They adored my ex fiance tho so they kinda hate me now. He found a place to live and he moved out right away.
4 months had passed from that, my bf and I are so happy together and he started to work from home too so he is spending a lot of time in my place because some issues with his roommate. We aren't talking about living together yet but he comes at least 5 days at week. My sister came one weekend to visit for the first time and she heard some neighbors chatting on the elevator about me without knowing who she was. They were saying that I was cheating my fiance with a some much uglier guy that I used to have over anytime my fiance had a shift at the hospital and that he one day found out and left me. It was really disturbing to know that but I didn't wanted to get involved and I didn't really care about their opinions of me. It was awful the looks I got from them but I didn't went out too often anyway. The president of the neighbors, the doctor from the 3rd that was friends with my ex, called me on Sunday to complain about my sister's car staying to long on the garage and they didn't recognize the car and it wasn't allowed to have visitor's cars on our garage. It was actually on my spot because I don't own a car and there was literally nothing wrong with that. So I avoid confrontation and told her ok and hang up but actually I was not going to make my sister move her car at night it was ridiculous and she was leaving early in the morning anyway. But I didn't had the courage to reply her what I actually thought because of my social anxiety. So when the doctor left in the morning the car was still there because my sister decided to stay until 10am to avoid traffic and I told her it was fine because she has every right to have her car on my spot and it doesn't bother anyone that her car is there but the neighbor just hates me and wants to give me a bad time for no reason. I didn't expect the rest of the neighbors to support her but they convocated a meeting of neighbors only to accuse me for what I did. It was everyone against me at the meeting. It was terrifying for me and my mental health, like a public amonestation at the lobby of the building where everyone got together to complain about me. I tried to defend myself without crying about that there's no rule against the visitor's car on the owner spot. But they said they didn't care, it was just disrespectful to tell the president on the phone that I was moving the car and then just don't move it. I can't stress enough that all of the neighbors are older than 40, at least the ones that were at that meeting. They started to complain that I was also rude, that I never talked to anyone not got the time to know them or to participate on the building's reunions and parties and that I had a guest over visiting too often, probably a bf, that doesn't pay rent and that they need to know his name and last name because I have to inform to the building if I'm having a new partner or roommate. Everything was surreal and I just left the meeting without saying a word. I couldn't stand it anymore. I locked in my apartment and I am trying to understand that they must hate me because of a misunderstood about me cheating my fiance but I actually felt so angry because even if that was true they had no right to do something like that. They are always rude to my new boyfriend and I have to keep living here for at least 2 years and I don't know how to do so with all this bad energy and I am scared and I haven't left my apartment today and I don't know what to do and I just can't stop crying and having no appetite and feeling like another depression episode might be coming back.

Can anyone suggest a place to get a reasonably decent passport photo? I am in Bellevue near Factoria. I went to FedEx Office, but wasted ~$20 and they made me look like a ghost...

We were just out and about, when suddenly he didn't come to aid me when I came across some bandits near Helgen, I searched far and wide, went back to Riverwood, still wasn't there, and he wasn't using my provisions (I'm playing with last seed).
So in my desperation to find my beloved friend, I sued the immersive npcs npc finder tool to find him, nothing came up.
So now I am feandaless.

TW: horromurder
Last night i had a dream it felt so realistic idk why but there were these aliens or some entities that landed on earth but nobody knew or could see them unless u looked at them and it doesnt matter if u closed your eyes everybody sees them they are about 8ft tall big wide smile no eyes and kill you in gruesome ways like ripping out your eyes or spilling your guts, I remember vividly being on a hill of some sort and hearing birds chirping and a sudden stop there was no sound at all like it had been removed from the world and being choked and murdered, a few weeks ago i had a similar death dream where i smuggled beer into school and my dad caught me drove me home got out of his car and lectured me and i can see a bomb being dropped near by and i point it out and my dad goes “well just great” and thats about it but that didnt feel real like the one last night.

I wanna peel you out of your panties and open your legs putting your feet on my shoulder so your knees are up. My tongue will immediately slide between your lips and with the tip glide up and down them before I swirl it around the opening of your pussy my hands gripping your thighs and ass pulling you in closer. I'd flatten my tongue and slide it up and down again and then ill work your clit. I'll slide your legs open wider letting your feet slide past my shoulders. My tongue will flatten and lick up and down your clit. Then I'll use the tip and swirl it all around it very fast and aggressive. Gripping your ass harder and pulling you in more as your pussy starts getting soaking wet. You moan and rock your hips, enjoying it throughly. Ill isolate your clit between my lips and attack it with the tip of my tongue up and down back and forth in circles. While I'm doing that I'll Introduce a finger Inside u nice and slow keeping the clit aggressive and the penetration easy but def knowing it's there. Feeling how tight you grip my finger makes me moan thinking of how good it will feel around my cock. My tongue still thrashing around your clit sucking on it licking it flicking it moving everywhere at once as you lose control and start to cum. I feel you contracting on my finger and that's when I'll introduce the 2nd and push them both deep in facing upwards and curving my fingers giving you the come here motion right into your gspot. Ill flatten my tongue and slide it back down your lips all around them tasting you taking In every inch of your soaking wet pussy as your orgasm finally subsides. I moan and Humm into it sending mini vibrations through your clit. I'm not near done with you and I pull out my fingers a min and push in my tongue spinning it as I fuck your pussy with it in and our all around then back to the fingers. My tongue will move below your pussy licking just at the base cleaning up any of your cum thats dripping then ill rubb my thumb in the soft spongy spot that's just below your pussy giving it lots of pressure and I push my fingers back in deep and hard and fast fucking your pussy my other hand I move up and play with your nipples pinching and teasing them while not stopping with my tongue. I'm licking with it fast snd open as much surface area of it on your lips as I can pushing them apart tasting you up and down then around the clit. Back down almost inside u but then right back to the clit. Whole flat tongue on it. Pulling out my fingers and taking 2 of them rubbing it hard and with lots of pressure. I wanna hear you fucking moan and scream my name as you cum again. My tongue back inside u while the fingers play sooo hard on your clit and I feel you contracting again as you cum for me like a good fucking girl. Then as shake uncontrollable ill move your body kissing you making u taste your cum off my lips and tongue. Deep kiss my body over yours and ill drop my cock into your tight wet pussy gripping your ass so hard as I feel your tightness envelope my cock and you wrap your legs around pulling me in....

I’ve been going through one the hardest time of my life. My family, friends neglect me emotionally, literally no one to confide with. No one understands me, nearly every people that i’ve met try to bring me down. I treat everybody with compassion , why can’t i have a happy life, meet the kind of people that is similar to me. It’s been more than a year, I’m depressed, tired, hopeless, lonely have a lot of doubts and fears. I’m having many suicidal thoughts recently. Life sucks!

I’ve (M21) recently broke up with my gf (F22), which I suspect has BPD and I feel f*cking awful.
She was really insecure and needy, she needed a lot of love and validation, but I couldn’t give it to her. I was afraid of commitment and felt like the relationship was suffocating me. I know that relationships with people with BPD are really hard, but I feel like we could have made it work if it wasn’t for my fear of commitment and my second thoughts about if I actually want to be with her or not…. She loved me like no one else did, I was the center of her world, while she wasn’t the center of mine.
I didn’t give her the love and affection that she needed. Although I was always supportive of her struggles, I cried with her when she cried and hugged her and told her that everything is going to be alright, wiped tears of her face, told her that I’m always here for her, reassured her that I’m not going to leave, encouraged her to go to therapy and promised to help with her mental struggles, but other than that I was a shit partner… I failed to make her feel loved. I wasn’t nearly as invested into the relationship as she was… I didn’t prioritise heour relationship and sometimes came across like I don’t care about her… I was also overly critical; she did hard drugs at parties and I criticised her for it too many times when it was just none of my business.
Soon after we broke up, I realised that although she was really emotionally demanding, I was the shit/toxic one. I apologised many times and wanted to make things right; told her many times that I’m terribly sorry for every time I made her feel bad and unloved and that I love her and care for her deeply… but it was too late. I never wanted to hurt her and more than anything I want her to be happy… I care deeply for her, I really do.
But her happiness is out of my control now and I’m really worried about her because I know how unstable she can be… I could have helped her, but I failed, I was a shit boyfriend.
I’m terribly sorry V., I love you and I want you to be happy more than anything… I wish you find happiness with your new boyfriend, I hope he can be a better boyfriend than me and I hope he will make you happy and not cause you pain like I did. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved, more than anyone else and just please stay safe, look after yourself and don’t do anything stupid… you are the most beautiful human being I have ever met, and I failed you… I’m sorry.
TL;DR: I realised I was the toxic one and I’m devastated. I should have been a better boyfriend… should have prioritised our relationship, but I didn’t.

So I (25F) just moved here like 3 years ago. This is a 7 floors building, there are approximately 20 apartments I believe and all of the neighbors are like really close to each other and know each other for decades and most of them are older than 40 fsr and had always lived here. I first move in with my former fiancé (27M), he is an extrovert and introduced himself to the other neighbors that same day. He is a physician assistant student and he immediately made some friends like a doctor from the 3rd floor and some nurse. When we first moved in I was going through a very bad depression episode. I was diagnosed with depression at 12, I used to handle it but at 21 I went to a traumatic experience (that actually lead me to move here from an apartment that I used to love) so when I was settling in I wasn't in the mood of meeting new neighbors or small talk so I never actually got to know them, but my ex fiancé did. I work from home so I dont usually hang around the building cause I almost never leave my apartment because of my social anxiety and my allergies to the weather of my country most of the year. My ex fiancé on the other hand was always coming and going so he met a lot of the neighbors when going to work or running errands.
So last year I was actually starting to feel kinda better and I began to leave my apartment more often to meet old friends etc. But my relationship with my fiancé was not going too well. We still loved and cared about each other but we weren't working as a couple, it got kinda platonic. We decided to end our relationship and to stop the wedding plans but we continued living together with no drama until he found a nice place to move. He decided that he would be the one who moves because the apartment was too far away from his work anyway and he didn't want me to stress out with another moving after all I went through. There was no rush from me, I wanted him to find his perfect place so he moved temporarily to the guest room and we were living peacefully almost as roommates while he kept looking for apartments. In my opinion we were even happier that way than as a couple. My mental health was improving. I started a new job, mostly from home but hybrid so I had some meetings and it involved some events I had to attend. I was going out the apartment more often and I started to run errands and go to the store almost as a normal person. I was doing my best effort. When I had to share the elevator with another neighbor they used to get really surprised by my presence. They all used to ask if I was visiting or if I was new in the building. I found rather odd the interrogations all the time but I just used to reply that I live in the 7th and that Ive been living here for 2 years now. They were at first usually shocked and then they were like oh yeah you're the physician's fiance. I never got the guts to correct them by saying I was his ex, mostly because he was still around and it just makes no sense so I would wait until he move out to do so.
But 6 months passed and my ex was no where near to move out. It was ok to me to stay as roommates and I didn't felt like it was a big deal that the neighbors believe that we were still a couple. He never corrected them either when they asked him stuff like when was gonna be the wedding. But at that time Ive just met someone at an event from work that I was really into (24M). He asked me out and we went to a few dates that were amazing. There was an awesome connection and we started dating.
We usually hang up at his place because my apartment is kinda far anyway and also I didn't knew how to tell him the situation with my ex/roommate. After 2 months dating I already knew I wanted a relationship with him, I was happier than ever I never had felt that way before, we were both so truly in love so I told him everything and he was totally fine with that and he understood that it was not uncommon for exs to live together for a while until one of them find somewhere to go. He didn't knew that almost 9 months had passed tho.
On the other hand when I told my ex about my new bf that was coming to visit he lost it. I didn't expect him to freak out that way because he used to tell me about his crushes and his dates in that time we were living only as roommates and it was fine I already saw him like a friend amd even gave him advices with girls but he got real mad when I mention the word bf and that he was visiting anytime soon. He said how can you this to me and that he thought I was just sleeping around but he didn't expected something like that.
I immediately realized that maybe he still had some feelings for me so I tried to be as kind as possible and he started to look more seriously for places to move. My bf only came to visit whenever my ex was working all night at the hospital so we don't disturbed him and I was really careful they never crossed knowing how my ex feeling about him. The situation was really awkward and my new bf one day told me that he had very weird encounters at the halls of the buildings with neighbors asking who was him and who was he visiting. At that time I'm pretty sure that most of the neighbors thought that I was having an affair. They never liked me anyway because I was quiet because of my mental issues and they might have take the wrong impression but I was just unable to small talk. They adored my ex fiance tho so they kinda hate me now. He found a place to live and he moved out right away.
4 months had passed from that, my bf and I are so happy together and he started to work from home too so he is spending a lot of time in my place because some issues with his roommate. We aren't talking about living together yet but he comes at least 5 days at week. My sister came one weekend to visit for the first time and she heard some neighbors chatting on the elevator about me without knowing who she was. They were saying that I was cheating my fiance with a some much uglier guy that I used to have over anytime my fiance had a shift at the hospital and that he one day found out and left me. It was really disturbing to know that but I didn't wanted to get involved and I didn't really care about their opinions of me. It was awful the looks I got from them but I didn't went out too often anyway. The president of the neighbors, the doctor from the 3rd that was friends with my ex, called me on Sunday to complain about my sister's car staying to long on the garage and they didn't recognize the car and it wasn't allowed to have visitor's cars on our garage. It was actually on my spot because I don't own a car and there was literally nothing wrong with that. So I avoid confrontation and told her ok and hang up but actually I was not going to make my sister move her car at night it was ridiculous and she was leaving early in the morning anyway. But I didn't had the courage to reply her what I actually thought because of my social anxiety. So when the doctor left in the morning the car was still there because my sister decided to stay until 10am to avoid traffic and I told her it was fine because she has every right to have her car on my spot and it doesn't bother anyone that her car is there but the neighbor just hates me and wants to give me a bad time for no reason. I didn't expect the rest of the neighbors to support her but they convocated a meeting of neighbors only to accuse me for what I did. It was everyone against me at the meeting. It was terrifying for me and my mental health, like a public amonestation at the lobby of the building where everyone got together to complain about me. I tried to defend myself without crying about that there's no rule against the visitor's car on the owner spot. But they said they didn't care, it was just disrespectful to tell the president on the phone that I was moving the car and then just don't move it. I can't stress enough that all of the neighbors are older than 40, at least the ones that were at that meeting. They started to complain that I was also rude, that I never talked to anyone not got the time to know them or to participate on the building's reunions and parties and that I had a guest over visiting too often, probably a bf, that doesn't pay rent and that they need to know his name and last name because I have to inform to the building if I'm having a new partner or roommate. Everything was surreal and I just left the meeting without saying a word. I couldn't stand it anymore. I locked in my apartment and I am trying to understand that they must hate me because of a misunderstood about me cheating my fiance but I actually felt so angry because even if that was true they had no right to do something like that. They are always rude to my new boyfriend and I have to keep living here for at least 2 years and I don't know how to do so with all this bad energy and I am scared and I haven't left my apartment today and I don't know what to do and I just can't stop crying and having no appetite and feeling like another depression episode might be coming back.

if she sees this, it'll be a very awkward situation, but here goes.
i met this girl, alexandra, in a college debate tournament at upenn in the middle of february. for reference, i go to harvard and she goes to princeton. she was very good at debate. i was not. thanks to an odd series of unexpected wins for me and my partner, we got matched up against each other.
we were trolling, and so my partner spouted some bullshit about how the judge should vote for us because we were immigrants, even if we debated worse (i'm indian; alexandra is italian-american, a la tony soprano). somehow, the judge bought it, and we won, even though we debated the actual topic worse. i emailed her afterwards to gloat, one thing led to another, and we ended up talking all night (we knocked her out of the tournament; we got knocked out ourselves two rounds later). she complained about the shitty judge and how much she hated people like us who "made a joke of debate". we sent 42 emails that night.
after the tournament ended, we kept talking on email (about debate). eventually, i asked her for her snap (she was also, may i add, gorgeous). we added each other. we continued our conversation from email, at first, but eventually the long paragraph-style responses turned into just normal talking and snapping. she wasn't a big part of my life at this point, though; just another girl who was cute and interesting to talk to. i learned some stuff about her -- she's crazy smart, but has pretty basic music taste, but she's solid at dancing; i also learned all about her family and that kinda shit. the normal 'getting to know you' phase.
i think the kicker came during spring break (march 9th, around half a month after the tournament). i went back home to india for the break. while i was jetlagged and up at 4am, i ended up talking to her every night. those conversations made me fall head-over-heels in love with her. i don't really know how it happened, it just kind of did; at some point, all the love songs suddenly became about her. i had dated girls before, but i don't think i've ever loved a girl until her.we talked about our futures, and what we wanted to do and be, and just 2am deep conversation type stuff; in other words, it was a much more intimate friendship than before. we had the red heart on snap and everything.
i will note, however, that, while talking to her was great, around this time it went from a 50-50 balance to me starting around 70-80% of conversations. that made me anxious; as i fell more in love, and the prospect of being with her became more tantalizing, i became more and more preoccupied with each conversation, playing it over and over again in my head. vacation also messed with my head; i had hours with nothing to do, and i filled them in no small measure with thoughts, dreams of her.
i also used to flirt with her a lot over break. she always took it in stride; sometimes she flirted back, sometimes not so much. she used to talk a good amount about her exes though, and also about how cute she thought she looked.
it's so hard to tell how much of this was reciprocated, because she was honestly a pretty closed person. she's not very communicative about her emotions, about what she really thinks; i often had to cut through a dense layer of sarcasm to get to her real meaning.
but, at some point, things came to a head. i asked her to call me once; she responded by saying, "coffee?". like an absolute moron, i replied "i'm not a coffee guy personally." i didn't even realize she was asking me out to coffee -- i thought
she was asking whether i liked coffee or not. she screenshotted that, which tipped me off; but by then, it was too late.
a couple days later, then, i asked her out on a date myself. she did not reply to me for a day and a half. then, she said, "sorry i was really busy with work!"
i reply, "lol np i thought i scared u off"
"LMFAO no. fw the blouse? "
what the fuck? (she never replied to the date thing by saying either yes or no).
after that, i lay low for a while. just casual flirting, nothing crazy. im still madly in love.
you know what, i'll skip all the details of the next two months.
basically, we grow closer as friends, but then some other guy asks her out on a date. she doesn't respond. he keeps texting her for a week; she declines in the end. but this dude triggers my own insecurity about her. my own clinginess comes back with a vengeance, and i basically start spamming her hoping she'd reply. eventually, things blow up on the day before her birthday; i keep chatting her, she doesn't reply. i became super frustrated and text her phone number (which she gave me).
she asks why i felt the need to text her even after she didn't reply. i'll admit i lied here -- i said i texted her for some work-related stuff, in order to save face. she called me on the bullshit. i doubled down and then asked her how she knew i was the one who texted her (i gave her my number at some point, but i didn't remember it then). in response, she said she "couldn't deal with this" and unadded me on snapchat. i then texted her saying, "I get if u don’t want to talk but i like being friends w u and i don’t want to lose that."
she blocks me. then, as a last resort, i send this email:
dear alexandra,
i promise that this is my last time ever talking to you. i just wanted to say the things that i always left unsaid.first of all, just about our last conversation: yes, i was lying. i know i shouldn't have. i texted you because you weren't replying. i didn't realize you had my number. im sorry.
​
im practically asking for you to be mad at me. i know that. if i could take it back, i would, but i cant. and now you're gone for good.
​
you're one of the most amazing people i've ever known in literally every way. the most, probably. i still can't name something you're bad at (besides singing, in your own words). i know i joked a lot, with the 😍 emoji, about how 'perfect' you were, but every time i sent something sarcastic, i was basically just hiding a sincere compliment behind a joke. i meant everything i said. you really are perfect. i literally woke up every day and felt lucky just to know you. i used to smile every time i got a notification from you, for god's sake. it's funny how you can become so attached to someone you only met three months ago. but i guess that when the someone is you, it's hard to not.
​
and now i threw it all away because of my stupidity and inability to shut up. in a way, i guess it was bound to happen. where would we have been three months from now? six? an year? we wouldn't have been friends forever. well, i guess i'll never know what good times we could have had, because i threw any chance of ever talking to you again out the window.
​
you know, if the roles were flipped, i don't think you'd care half as much as i do. but i guess that's because you're at least twice as good as i am in every way. so don't read this and laugh, because i know i don't mean as much to you as you do to me, and i probably sound a little scary rn.
​
if there is any, any!, chance that you don't totally hate me and would want to talk, i'll probably be spending all of tomorrow waiting for any notification from you. probably most of monday too.
​
but if not, i know that someday you'll become someone brilliant and famous and i'll see you on TV one day, and i just hope that you'll remember me down the line. not as the liar who you blocked, but as the harvard guy who you had some good times with while it lasted.happy birthday. i hope you have a perfect day.
sincerely,
sikandar.
i get unblocked, but no actual reply. this was 20 days ago. i was drunk and sent her a joke on tiktok two days ago -- no reply, again.
i love her an unhealthy amount. i can freely admit that to myself. but if there's any chance of salvaging this situation in a way where she's still talking to me -- friend, girlfriend, whatever! -- does someone know how?
also, i really wanted to read a paper she wrote -- if nothing else, can i still ask for that?
thanks.