Little caesars edison road

I’ve posted many times before and spoke to some interesting people but never “the one” and keeping up with the responses got a bit overwhelming.
Yes, my picture is the meme of the 40 something guy who never smiles. I assure you, I smile. Just not in selfies. If you do reply, please also send a picture. I feel it’s fair since I posted one.
I’m 41, single, no children and I live in San Diego. single since 2019. 5’10.5”, 189lbs. Ethnically ambiguous (Latino but people always think middle eastern) INFJ. Virgo. (I don’t put too much stock in that type of compatibility though).
What I am looking for in a potential partner:
I have few and very generic prerequisites. You should be a critical thinker. In the current climate of intentionally misleading headlines and generally biased news, I think being able to suss out what is real and what’s misleading is important.
I value intelligence. Like I don’t require a masters degree but I’d like to feel like the person I’m chatting with is somewhat smarter than me. I can’t 100% say I’m sapiosexual because I do want to be with someone I find attractive, but I’m most attracted to Intelligent people.
I really like people who generally laugh first before getting upset. People who can make a morbid joke in a bad (but not life threatening) situation. Like if you’re on a road trip to Vegas and get a flat tire. You could get really upset… or you could say “welllll I guess we’re going to be late picking up the hookers”.
In terms of introversion vs extroversion I don’t really have a preference. I get along with both. I’m an introvert who is always happy to go just about anywhere as long as you are the one dealing with the traffic and parking :)
I am generally never really bored. If I’m not pondering the nature of existence or having some sort of internal debate, I’m watching science documentaries or on Wikipedia or YouTube falling down a rabbit hole. I know a little bit about a lot of things and have an absurd amount of random but not quite useless information floating around in my head. I love deep talks. But I also love some good old fashioned low brow humor. Except dad jokes. I just can’t get into them.
I’m not religious. You could say I’m spiritual but not in a theological way. I don’t care if god exists and doubt god wound care what my thoughts were. I can’t really say I’m an atheist. I dislike extremes and absolutes. My motto is generally “I could be wrong” and it’s served me well in my times of existential crisis (which have become fewer as I’ve gotten older). I take comfort in my belief that there is no beginning or end. Time is a man made construct and nothing ever really ceases to be, it just changes. I don’t believe I will simply “stop existing” when I die. I don’t believe in heaven or hell. I think those concepts are tied to a superstitious belief in absolute good or absolute evil. And as I said, I dislike absolutes. Even in science, absolute rules are sometimes amended. I do good deeds because I feel like it’s the right thing to do, not for the promise of reward or the fear of punishment. Strangely, even though I’m undecided on the existence of “god”, I regularly look up and talk to god. I believe in its psychological importance. Looking upwards tends to improve optimism. And I am an optimist.
I dated quite a lot in my younger years. I “tried on” a lot of different types of people. I learned to get over people when they weren’t healthy. I learned that I was not the “best boyfriend you’ll ever have” as so many “nice guys” believe they are (before they date much). It’s a valuable experience to figure out you’re not offering anything literally any other person could. You learn that you need to work towards things together and give the other person what they need rather than what you like to offer. Of course there’s always a compromise.
Dating over 40 has been a mixed bag. I’m not great at making new friends or meeting people. The apps required a lot of effort for the minimal responses you get. And the pool of people in my age group was tiny.
I got married at 32 and Divorced at 38. I took the relationship seriously and cultivated the ability to cut conversations with flirtatious people short. That’s a hard habit to break. Especially since I do take the pandemic seriously and have laid low and avoided large gatherings . I made it till December of 2022 without catching Covid!
I have acclimated to things changing as I’ve aged. At first the changes bothered me (receding hairline, slower metabolism, grey hairs in my beard etc) but eventually I came to an equilibrium where I embrace and accept that we all age and change.
As such, I’m not big on plastic surgery or attempts to look younger or “fix” your physical features. I don’t think it’s good for your self esteem. And I think the longer you put off accepting aging, the harder it will be to take when the inevitable happens.
Along the way, I came to the conclusion don’t want to have kids. If you have them, that’s fine. But I’m not looking to procreate. If there was any lingering “maybe” I had, the looming threat of WW3 and a world wide pandemic murdered it.
Nothing is more attractive than confidence. I’m not saying you shouldn’t take care of yourself and always put your best foot forward but confidence is key. Believe it or not, some people like your “non standard” features. And what is the standard, really?
I have IG for photography and can’t help but notice how much everyone filters their pictures and falls prey to the “beauty standards” posted by people who do not meet those standards without heavy editing. The world is full of naturally beautiful people. And I do not see that reflected in social media. I debate deleting it daily but worry about offending the people I only connect with through it.
I am a musician of 25 years (I say that loosely). I’ve been playing guitar for quite a long time. From the moment I first plucked a string (on a broken , hand me down acoustic) I was hooked. It was like a drug. I use to just place my ear to the body and strum. Listening to the rich tone. It would give me shivers. I actually still feel that way. I feel like in some ways, music saved me. Before I found it, I was into drawing. I was quite good but it frustrated me often. Music has never really done that. You can haphazardly create beauty and if you do something wrong, it’s gone and you move on. I love all music but I tend to like things with angst and “oomph” that tend to be (but not always are) guitar driven. To put that into perspective, I love Hendrix and dislike John Mayer. Hopefully that makes sense.
I’m a decent cook. I could go on blathering about how I fell in love with it or what a huge influence Anthony Bourdain was but let’s just say I can’t be with a picky eater. Having food allergies (shellfish, peanuts) means I stare longingly and jealously at people eating the things I can’t. I want to eat adventurously but can’t. So I take great care to appreciate what I can and try what I can.
Photography… I haven’t picked up my camera in months. I actually really love photography. But sometimes you get up and go to shoot…To find the lighting during that time of day is horrible. And I’m not an early riser. So golden hour seems elusive. I love photo walks though. Casually walking and talking with a friend is great. I just don’t have anyone to do it with anymore. I like taking pictures of things rather than people. I like light and deep shadow. Sean tucker is an amazing photographer that captures what I love perfectly. I also love Harry gruyaert. I’m low key jealous of photographers who live in cities which are full of amazing architecture and color. San Diego is beautiful, but not in that way.
I play video games but don’t consider myself a gamer. Right now I’m binging on genshin impact. Before that I played (and loved) both horizon games. I generally play games that can be played with friends and tend to lose interest in anything else. Co op pve is great. PvP is not my thing.
Sports… although I’m not a sports guy, I actually am EXTREMELY into european football (soccer to us Americans). I watch every Manchester United game per season. I watch the champions league (and Europa league if Man U are in it). I dabble in all the big leagues but am most interested in the premier league. And when the World Cup comes around I really make an effort to wake up early and soak it in. There’s something beautiful about it being the worlds sport. There is no dominant race. There is no requisite body type. Short. Tall. Fast. Slow. Strong. Weak. They can ALL play the beautiful game. I love that. Generally, I root for the US first. But once they’re out I would equally root for any team that plays their hearts out.
Ok the essay is over. I think I’ve talked your ear off long enough. You got a snippet of who I am. Tell me about yourself?
I’m hoping to meet someone local or within say a 2 hr drive of San Diego but I am open to anyone who occasionally travels here. And accents are dead sexy. Especially all of the regional British ones.
If I didn’t bore your socks off, I have a ton of posts detailing my views on things. Feel free to browse. Or if you’d rather take the old fashioned approach, feel free to ask whatever you like.
​
me

I’ve posted many times before and spoke to some interesting people but never “the one” and keeping up with the responses got a bit overwhelming.
Yes, my picture is the meme of the 40 something guy who never smiles. I assure you, I smile. Just not in selfies. If you do reply, please also send a picture. I feel it’s fair since I posted one.
I’m 41, single, no children and I live in San Diego. single since 2019. 5’10.5”, 189lbs. Ethnically ambiguous (Latino but people always think middle eastern) INFJ. Virgo. (I don’t put too much stock in that type of compatibility though).
What I am looking for in a potential partner:
I have few and very generic prerequisites. You should be a critical thinker. In the current climate of intentionally misleading headlines and generally biased news, I think being able to suss out what is real and what’s misleading is important.
I value intelligence. Like I don’t require a masters degree but I’d like to feel like the person I’m chatting with is somewhat smarter than me. I can’t 100% say I’m sapiosexual because I do want to be with someone I find attractive, but I’m most attracted to Intelligent people.
I really like people who generally laugh first before getting upset. People who can make a morbid joke in a bad (but not life threatening) situation. Like if you’re on a road trip to Vegas and get a flat tire. You could get really upset… or you could say “welllll I guess we’re going to be late picking up the hookers”.
In terms of introversion vs extroversion I don’t really have a preference. I get along with both. I’m an introvert who is always happy to go just about anywhere as long as you are the one dealing with the traffic and parking :)
I am generally never really bored. If I’m not pondering the nature of existence or having some sort of internal debate, I’m watching science documentaries or on Wikipedia or YouTube falling down a rabbit hole. I know a little bit about a lot of things and have an absurd amount of random but not quite useless information floating around in my head. I love deep talks. But I also love some good old fashioned low brow humor. Except dad jokes. I just can’t get into them.
I’m not religious. You could say I’m spiritual but not in a theological way. I don’t care if god exists and doubt god wound care what my thoughts were. I can’t really say I’m an atheist. I dislike extremes and absolutes. My motto is generally “I could be wrong” and it’s served me well in my times of existential crisis (which have become fewer as I’ve gotten older). I take comfort in my belief that there is no beginning or end. Time is a man made construct and nothing ever really ceases to be, it just changes. I don’t believe I will simply “stop existing” when I die. I don’t believe in heaven or hell. I think those concepts are tied to a superstitious belief in absolute good or absolute evil. And as I said, I dislike absolutes. Even in science, absolute rules are sometimes amended. I do good deeds because I feel like it’s the right thing to do, not for the promise of reward or the fear of punishment. Strangely, even though I’m undecided on the existence of “god”, I regularly look up and talk to god. I believe in its psychological importance. Looking upwards tends to improve optimism. And I am an optimist.
I dated quite a lot in my younger years. I “tried on” a lot of different types of people. I learned to get over people when they weren’t healthy. I learned that I was not the “best boyfriend you’ll ever have” as so many “nice guys” believe they are (before they date much). It’s a valuable experience to figure out you’re not offering anything literally any other person could. You learn that you need to work towards things together and give the other person what they need rather than what you like to offer. Of course there’s always a compromise.
Dating over 40 has been a mixed bag. I’m not great at making new friends or meeting people. The apps required a lot of effort for the minimal responses you get. And the pool of people in my age group was tiny.
I got married at 32 and Divorced at 38. I took the relationship seriously and cultivated the ability to cut conversations with flirtatious people short. That’s a hard habit to break. Especially since I do take the pandemic seriously and have laid low and avoided large gatherings . I made it till December of 2022 without catching Covid!
I have acclimated to things changing as I’ve aged. At first the changes bothered me (receding hairline, slower metabolism, grey hairs in my beard etc) but eventually I came to an equilibrium where I embrace and accept that we all age and change.
As such, I’m not big on plastic surgery or attempts to look younger or “fix” your physical features. I don’t think it’s good for your self esteem. And I think the longer you put off accepting aging, the harder it will be to take when the inevitable happens.
Along the way, I came to the conclusion don’t want to have kids. If you have them, that’s fine. But I’m not looking to procreate. If there was any lingering “maybe” I had, the looming threat of WW3 and a world wide pandemic murdered it.
Nothing is more attractive than confidence. I’m not saying you shouldn’t take care of yourself and always put your best foot forward but confidence is key. Believe it or not, some people like your “non standard” features. And what is the standard, really?
I have IG for photography and can’t help but notice how much everyone filters their pictures and falls prey to the “beauty standards” posted by people who do not meet those standards without heavy editing. The world is full of naturally beautiful people. And I do not see that reflected in social media. I debate deleting it daily but worry about offending the people I only connect with through it.
I am a musician of 25 years (I say that loosely). I’ve been playing guitar for quite a long time. From the moment I first plucked a string (on a broken , hand me down acoustic) I was hooked. It was like a drug. I use to just place my ear to the body and strum. Listening to the rich tone. It would give me shivers. I actually still feel that way. I feel like in some ways, music saved me. Before I found it, I was into drawing. I was quite good but it frustrated me often. Music has never really done that. You can haphazardly create beauty and if you do something wrong, it’s gone and you move on. I love all music but I tend to like things with angst and “oomph” that tend to be (but not always are) guitar driven. To put that into perspective, I love Hendrix and dislike John Mayer. Hopefully that makes sense.
I’m a decent cook. I could go on blathering about how I fell in love with it or what a huge influence Anthony Bourdain was but let’s just say I can’t be with a picky eater. Having food allergies (shellfish, peanuts) means I stare longingly and jealously at people eating the things I can’t. I want to eat adventurously but can’t. So I take great care to appreciate what I can and try what I can.
Photography… I haven’t picked up my camera in months. I actually really love photography. But sometimes you get up and go to shoot…To find the lighting during that time of day is horrible. And I’m not an early riser. So golden hour seems elusive. I love photo walks though. Casually walking and talking with a friend is great. I just don’t have anyone to do it with anymore. I like taking pictures of things rather than people. I like light and deep shadow. Sean tucker is an amazing photographer that captures what I love perfectly. I also love Harry gruyaert. I’m low key jealous of photographers who live in cities which are full of amazing architecture and color. San Diego is beautiful, but not in that way.
I play video games but don’t consider myself a gamer. Right now I’m binging on genshin impact. Before that I played (and loved) both horizon games. I generally play games that can be played with friends and tend to lose interest in anything else. Co op pve is great. PvP is not my thing.
Sports… although I’m not a sports guy, I actually am EXTREMELY into european football (soccer to us Americans). I watch every Manchester United game per season. I watch the champions league (and Europa league if Man U are in it). I dabble in all the big leagues but am most interested in the premier league. And when the World Cup comes around I really make an effort to wake up early and soak it in. There’s something beautiful about it being the worlds sport. There is no dominant race. There is no requisite body type. Short. Tall. Fast. Slow. Strong. Weak. They can ALL play the beautiful game. I love that. Generally, I root for the US first. But once they’re out I would equally root for any team that plays their hearts out.
Ok the essay is over. I think I’ve talked your ear off long enough. You got a snippet of who I am. Tell me about yourself?
I’m hoping to meet someone local or within say a 2 hr drive of San Diego but I am open to anyone who occasionally travels here. And accents are dead sexy. Especially all of the regional British ones.
If I didn’t bore your socks off, I have a ton of posts detailing my views on things. Feel free to browse. Or if you’d rather take the old fashioned approach, feel free to ask whatever you like.
​
me

It just felt all of a sudden to me , I was hoping they'd at least get to highschool or get to grow up a little together with maybe being highschool sweethearts or some other kid reason for them to break up and it was really awseoum and cute having a young gay couple like that. I felt if they were gonna have him have to move it shouldbe been like a year or two maybe a few months down the road especially since they had to move within like a few days out the blue

I’ve posted many times before and spoke to some interesting people but never “the one” and keeping up with the responses got a bit overwhelming.
Yes, my picture is the meme of the 40 something guy who never smiles. I assure you, I smile. Just not in selfies. If you do reply, please also send a picture. I feel it’s fair since I posted one.
I’m 41, single, no children and I live in San Diego. single since 2019. 5’10.5”, 189lbs. Ethnically ambiguous (Latino but people always think middle eastern) INFJ. Virgo. (I don’t put too much stock in that type of compatibility though).
What I am looking for in a potential partner:
I have few and very generic prerequisites. You should be a critical thinker. In the current climate of intentionally misleading headlines and generally biased news, I think being able to suss out what is real and what’s misleading is important.
I value intelligence. Like I don’t require a masters degree but I’d like to feel like the person I’m chatting with is somewhat smarter than me. I can’t 100% say I’m sapiosexual because I do want to be with someone I find attractive, but I’m most attracted to Intelligent people.
I really like people who generally laugh first before getting upset. People who can make a morbid joke in a bad (but not life threatening) situation. Like if you’re on a road trip to Vegas and get a flat tire. You could get really upset… or you could say “welllll I guess we’re going to be late picking up the hookers”.
In terms of introversion vs extroversion I don’t really have a preference. I get along with both. I’m an introvert who is always happy to go just about anywhere as long as you are the one dealing with the traffic and parking :)
I am generally never really bored. If I’m not pondering the nature of existence or having some sort of internal debate, I’m watching science documentaries or on Wikipedia or YouTube falling down a rabbit hole. I know a little bit about a lot of things and have an absurd amount of random but not quite useless information floating around in my head. I love deep talks. But I also love some good old fashioned low brow humor. Except dad jokes. I just can’t get into them.
I’m not religious. You could say I’m spiritual but not in a theological way. I don’t care if god exists and doubt god wound care what my thoughts were. I can’t really say I’m an atheist. I dislike extremes and absolutes. My motto is generally “I could be wrong” and it’s served me well in my times of existential crisis (which have become fewer as I’ve gotten older). I take comfort in my belief that there is no beginning or end. Time is a man made construct and nothing ever really ceases to be, it just changes. I don’t believe I will simply “stop existing” when I die. I don’t believe in heaven or hell. I think those concepts are tied to a superstitious belief in absolute good or absolute evil. And as I said, I dislike absolutes. Even in science, absolute rules are sometimes amended. I do good deeds because I feel like it’s the right thing to do, not for the promise of reward or the fear of punishment. Strangely, even though I’m undecided on the existence of “god”, I regularly look up and talk to god. I believe in its psychological importance. Looking upwards tends to improve optimism. And I am an optimist.
I dated quite a lot in my younger years. I “tried on” a lot of different types of people. I learned to get over people when they weren’t healthy. I learned that I was not the “best boyfriend you’ll ever have” as so many “nice guys” believe they are (before they date much). It’s a valuable experience to figure out you’re not offering anything literally any other person could. You learn that you need to work towards things together and give the other person what they need rather than what you like to offer. Of course there’s always a compromise.
Dating over 40 has been a mixed bag. I’m not great at making new friends or meeting people. The apps required a lot of effort for the minimal responses you get. And the pool of people in my age group was tiny.
I got married at 32 and Divorced at 38. I took the relationship seriously and cultivated the ability to cut conversations with flirtatious people short. That’s a hard habit to break. Especially since I do take the pandemic seriously and have laid low and avoided large gatherings . I made it till December of 2022 without catching Covid!
I have acclimated to things changing as I’ve aged. At first the changes bothered me (receding hairline, slower metabolism, grey hairs in my beard etc) but eventually I came to an equilibrium where I embrace and accept that we all age and change.
As such, I’m not big on plastic surgery or attempts to look younger or “fix” your physical features. I don’t think it’s good for your self esteem. And I think the longer you put off accepting aging, the harder it will be to take when the inevitable happens.
Along the way, I came to the conclusion don’t want to have kids. If you have them, that’s fine. But I’m not looking to procreate. If there was any lingering “maybe” I had, the looming threat of WW3 and a world wide pandemic murdered it.
Nothing is more attractive than confidence. I’m not saying you shouldn’t take care of yourself and always put your best foot forward but confidence is key. Believe it or not, some people like your “non standard” features. And what is the standard, really?
I have IG for photography and can’t help but notice how much everyone filters their pictures and falls prey to the “beauty standards” posted by people who do not meet those standards without heavy editing. The world is full of naturally beautiful people. And I do not see that reflected in social media. I debate deleting it daily but worry about offending the people I only connect with through it.
I am a musician of 25 years (I say that loosely). I’ve been playing guitar for quite a long time. From the moment I first plucked a string (on a broken , hand me down acoustic) I was hooked. It was like a drug. I use to just place my ear to the body and strum. Listening to the rich tone. It would give me shivers. I actually still feel that way. I feel like in some ways, music saved me. Before I found it, I was into drawing. I was quite good but it frustrated me often. Music has never really done that. You can haphazardly create beauty and if you do something wrong, it’s gone and you move on. I love all music but I tend to like things with angst and “oomph” that tend to be (but not always are) guitar driven. To put that into perspective, I love Hendrix and dislike John Mayer. Hopefully that makes sense.
I’m a decent cook. I could go on blathering about how I fell in love with it or what a huge influence Anthony Bourdain was but let’s just say I can’t be with a picky eater. Having food allergies (shellfish, peanuts) means I stare longingly and jealously at people eating the things I can’t. I want to eat adventurously but can’t. So I take great care to appreciate what I can and try what I can.
Photography… I haven’t picked up my camera in months. I actually really love photography. But sometimes you get up and go to shoot…To find the lighting during that time of day is horrible. And I’m not an early riser. So golden hour seems elusive. I love photo walks though. Casually walking and talking with a friend is great. I just don’t have anyone to do it with anymore. I like taking pictures of things rather than people. I like light and deep shadow. Sean tucker is an amazing photographer that captures what I love perfectly. I also love Harry gruyaert. I’m low key jealous of photographers who live in cities which are full of amazing architecture and color. San Diego is beautiful, but not in that way.
I play video games but don’t consider myself a gamer. Right now I’m binging on genshin impact. Before that I played (and loved) both horizon games. I generally play games that can be played with friends and tend to lose interest in anything else. Co op pve is great. PvP is not my thing.
Sports… although I’m not a sports guy, I actually am EXTREMELY into european football (soccer to us Americans). I watch every Manchester United game per season. I watch the champions league (and Europa league if Man U are in it). I dabble in all the big leagues but am most interested in the premier league. And when the World Cup comes around I really make an effort to wake up early and soak it in. There’s something beautiful about it being the worlds sport. There is no dominant race. There is no requisite body type. Short. Tall. Fast. Slow. Strong. Weak. They can ALL play the beautiful game. I love that. Generally, I root for the US first. But once they’re out I would equally root for any team that plays their hearts out.
Ok the essay is over. I think I’ve talked your ear off long enough. You got a snippet of who I am. Tell me about yourself?
I’m hoping to meet someone local or within say a 2 hr drive of San Diego but I am open to anyone who occasionally travels here. And accents are dead sexy. Especially all of the regional British ones.
If I didn’t bore your socks off, I have a ton of posts detailing my views on things. Feel free to browse. Or if you’d rather take the old fashioned approach, feel free to ask whatever you like.
​
me

After YEARS of chronic and perplexing health issues, I started seeing some of the same problems in my three small children. We had been passed from specialist to specialist at the children's hospital near us with very little helpful feedback or results, stuck in an endless fruitless feedback loop.
I finally started seeing a functional medicine practitioner and brought my children to her as well. This woman absolutely saved us. She almost immediately knew what was going on and encouraged us to have environmental testing done in the home. Our ERMI test came back at 22. We immediately left the home and moved into a carefully inspected apartment. Mycotoxin tests on my children are high for the toxins produced by the specific molds in our home. Finally we have our answer to what was killing my family.
I worked so hard and tried so hard to get traditional doctors to listen to me and see what I was trying to tell them. They all failed us. After 5 years of me advocating like hell for my family to these "experts", a stroke of luck finding a competent physician (whose head isn't stuck too far up their own ass to actually listen to and help us) was a literal God send for my family.
I am so grateful for her. We have a very long and VERY EXPENSIVE road to wellness ahead of us. Between my three children we are contending with liver damage, kidney damage, mitochondrial dysfunction, neurological problems, lymphedema, thyroid problems, hematological issues, the list goes on and on.
It should be criminal for so many doctors to be so utterly ignorant of how to achieve and maintain true health. When I tried to update some of the specialists we have been working with on what we finally discovered, I was dismissed and mocked. Treated like a crazy person. Well, guess what? A nurse practitioner knows more than you do Mr. High and mighty hematologist, same with the neurologist and the immunologist and the gastroenterologist, endocrinologist, geneticist and the dermatologist, etc. etc.
My husband and I both have serious health issues that likely stem from this mess as well. My beloved 6 year old dog recently passed suddenly from aggressive cancer and I suspect this played a role in her premature death as well.
I feel violated not only by my own home but also all these people I trusted to help me help my family. Our medical system is so corrupt and broken. I have done everything within my power to ensure my children's health and the people who should have been helping me only stood in my way to figuring out what actually was going on. The home I lovingly maintained with only the healthiest foods and lowest chemicals possible, etc etc, was killing my children as well as us adults and our much loved pets. They all have breathed toxins for the majority of their lives at home. The guilt I feel is overwhelming. But I keep trying to rem it and myself that I DID try. It's not my fault. I know this logically, but it doesn't change the fact that there may be life long consequences to their health from this and they will never be able to get back their early childhood where they missed out on so much due to health issues.
I am so lucky that my husband comes from a wealthy family and we have the means to properly address these issues and seek proper recovery. If it wasn't for those resources available to him, we would be absolutely, positively screwed. This is so wrong. We are almost 15k in for medical expenses at this point and are remediating our home to the highest degree possible, including a complete roof tear off and replacing all flooring in the home. The house stuff alone is going to be nearly 75k not necessarily including all new furnishings, etc. This is so overwhelming! I'm so grateful we can technically afford to do these things. It at the expense of my children having guaranteed college funds, but I truly don't think they would have been around fowell enough for college anyways, had we not figured this out and did not handle it appropriately.
Our family and friends think we are crazy, by the way. Thanks for listening to me vent. I needed to get this off my chest to people who won't look at me like I've lost my marbles or something.

I’ve posted many times before and spoke to some interesting people but never “the one” and keeping up with the responses got a bit overwhelming.
Yes, my picture is the meme of the 40 something guy who never smiles. I assure you, I smile. Just not in selfies. If you do reply, please also send a picture. I feel it’s fair since I posted one.
I’m 41, single, no children and I live in San Diego. single since 2019. 5’10.5”, 189lbs. Ethnically ambiguous (Latino but people always think middle eastern) INFJ. Virgo. (I don’t put too much stock in that type of compatibility though).
What I am looking for in a potential partner:
I have few and very generic prerequisites. You should be a critical thinker. In the current climate of intentionally misleading headlines and generally biased news, I think being able to suss out what is real and what’s misleading is important.
I value intelligence. Like I don’t require a masters degree but I’d like to feel like the person I’m chatting with is somewhat smarter than me. I can’t 100% say I’m sapiosexual because I do want to be with someone I find attractive, but I’m most attracted to Intelligent people.
I really like people who generally laugh first before getting upset. People who can make a morbid joke in a bad (but not life threatening) situation. Like if you’re on a road trip to Vegas and get a flat tire. You could get really upset… or you could say “welllll I guess we’re going to be late picking up the hookers”.
In terms of introversion vs extroversion I don’t really have a preference. I get along with both. I’m an introvert who is always happy to go just about anywhere as long as you are the one dealing with the traffic and parking :)
I am generally never really bored. If I’m not pondering the nature of existence or having some sort of internal debate, I’m watching science documentaries or on Wikipedia or YouTube falling down a rabbit hole. I know a little bit about a lot of things and have an absurd amount of random but not quite useless information floating around in my head. I love deep talks. But I also love some good old fashioned low brow humor. Except dad jokes. I just can’t get into them.
I’m not religious. You could say I’m spiritual but not in a theological way. I don’t care if god exists and doubt god wound care what my thoughts were. I can’t really say I’m an atheist. I dislike extremes and absolutes. My motto is generally “I could be wrong” and it’s served me well in my times of existential crisis (which have become fewer as I’ve gotten older). I take comfort in my belief that there is no beginning or end. Time is a man made construct and nothing ever really ceases to be, it just changes. I don’t believe I will simply “stop existing” when I die. I don’t believe in heaven or hell. I think those concepts are tied to a superstitious belief in absolute good or absolute evil. And as I said, I dislike absolutes. Even in science, absolute rules are sometimes amended. I do good deeds because I feel like it’s the right thing to do, not for the promise of reward or the fear of punishment. Strangely, even though I’m undecided on the existence of “god”, I regularly look up and talk to god. I believe in its psychological importance. Looking upwards tends to improve optimism. And I am an optimist.
I dated quite a lot in my younger years. I “tried on” a lot of different types of people. I learned to get over people when they weren’t healthy. I learned that I was not the “best boyfriend you’ll ever have” as so many “nice guys” believe they are (before they date much). It’s a valuable experience to figure out you’re not offering anything literally any other person could. You learn that you need to work towards things together and give the other person what they need rather than what you like to offer. Of course there’s always a compromise.
Dating over 40 has been a mixed bag. I’m not great at making new friends or meeting people. The apps required a lot of effort for the minimal responses you get. And the pool of people in my age group was tiny.
I got married at 32 and Divorced at 38. I took the relationship seriously and cultivated the ability to cut conversations with flirtatious people short. That’s a hard habit to break. Especially since I do take the pandemic seriously and have laid low and avoided large gatherings . I made it till December of 2022 without catching Covid!
I have acclimated to things changing as I’ve aged. At first the changes bothered me (receding hairline, slower metabolism, grey hairs in my beard etc) but eventually I came to an equilibrium where I embrace and accept that we all age and change.
As such, I’m not big on plastic surgery or attempts to look younger or “fix” your physical features. I don’t think it’s good for your self esteem. And I think the longer you put off accepting aging, the harder it will be to take when the inevitable happens.
Along the way, I came to the conclusion don’t want to have kids. If you have them, that’s fine. But I’m not looking to procreate. If there was any lingering “maybe” I had, the looming threat of WW3 and a world wide pandemic murdered it.
Nothing is more attractive than confidence. I’m not saying you shouldn’t take care of yourself and always put your best foot forward but confidence is key. Believe it or not, some people like your “non standard” features. And what is the standard, really?
I have IG for photography and can’t help but notice how much everyone filters their pictures and falls prey to the “beauty standards” posted by people who do not meet those standards without heavy editing. The world is full of naturally beautiful people. And I do not see that reflected in social media. I debate deleting it daily but worry about offending the people I only connect with through it.
I am a musician of 25 years (I say that loosely). I’ve been playing guitar for quite a long time. From the moment I first plucked a string (on a broken , hand me down acoustic) I was hooked. It was like a drug. I use to just place my ear to the body and strum. Listening to the rich tone. It would give me shivers. I actually still feel that way. I feel like in some ways, music saved me. Before I found it, I was into drawing. I was quite good but it frustrated me often. Music has never really done that. You can haphazardly create beauty and if you do something wrong, it’s gone and you move on. I love all music but I tend to like things with angst and “oomph” that tend to be (but not always are) guitar driven. To put that into perspective, I love Hendrix and dislike John Mayer. Hopefully that makes sense.
I’m a decent cook. I could go on blathering about how I fell in love with it or what a huge influence Anthony Bourdain was but let’s just say I can’t be with a picky eater. Having food allergies (shellfish, peanuts) means I stare longingly and jealously at people eating the things I can’t. I want to eat adventurously but can’t. So I take great care to appreciate what I can and try what I can.
Photography… I haven’t picked up my camera in months. I actually really love photography. But sometimes you get up and go to shoot…To find the lighting during that time of day is horrible. And I’m not an early riser. So golden hour seems elusive. I love photo walks though. Casually walking and talking with a friend is great. I just don’t have anyone to do it with anymore. I like taking pictures of things rather than people. I like light and deep shadow. Sean tucker is an amazing photographer that captures what I love perfectly. I also love Harry gruyaert. I’m low key jealous of photographers who live in cities which are full of amazing architecture and color. San Diego is beautiful, but not in that way.
I play video games but don’t consider myself a gamer. Right now I’m binging on genshin impact. Before that I played (and loved) both horizon games. I generally play games that can be played with friends and tend to lose interest in anything else. Co op pve is great. PvP is not my thing.
Sports… although I’m not a sports guy, I actually am EXTREMELY into european football (soccer to us Americans). I watch every Manchester United game per season. I watch the champions league (and Europa league if Man U are in it). I dabble in all the big leagues but am most interested in the premier league. And when the World Cup comes around I really make an effort to wake up early and soak it in. There’s something beautiful about it being the worlds sport. There is no dominant race. There is no requisite body type. Short. Tall. Fast. Slow. Strong. Weak. They can ALL play the beautiful game. I love that. Generally, I root for the US first. But once they’re out I would equally root for any team that plays their hearts out.
Ok the essay is over. I think I’ve talked your ear off long enough. You got a snippet of who I am. Tell me about yourself?
I’m hoping to meet someone local or within say a 2 hr drive of San Diego but I am open to anyone who occasionally travels here. And accents are dead sexy. Especially all of the regional British ones.
If I didn’t bore your socks off, I have a ton of posts detailing my views on things. Feel free to browse. Or if you’d rather take the old fashioned approach, feel free to ask whatever you like.
​
me

Got my 2023 Pilot Elite a few weeks ago and I've noticed the LKAS (and TJA) is considerably weaker than our other Hondas (2022 Passport Elite, 2023 Acura Integra A-Spec/Tech). The others will remain mostly lane centered and steer, even on relatively curvy roads. On the highway trip to the nearest dealership, I barely have to steer those cars at all to get there.
On the 2023 Pilot, however, the LKAS barely makes any attempt to steer itself at all. It will keep the car within the lanes on straight roads, but if there's any little bit of curve at all, it just continues straight out of the lane and then cancels LKAS (e.g., the "green lines" turn white or disappear, or RDM kicks in). On curves, the vehicle will make a very weak attempt to steer, usually late, but then the wheel stops turning and the car just continues to proceed out of the lane.
When manually steering through curvy roads, the LKAS system will wait until I've turned the wheel, then essentially keep it turned, so that when the curve ends, it's still keeping the wheel turned, meaning I have to manually intervene or the vehicle will again curve right out of the lane and cancel LKAS. WTH?
Occasionally, it handles mild curves on the highway perfectly fine, but I never know when it's going to do that. It's bizarre, considering the 2022 Passport, on the older Honda Sensing system, does a much better job, and the 2023 Integra, on the SAME generation Honda Sensing, also does a much better job. It's just this new Pilot that is behaving very differently.
Has anyone else experienced this, or is it just my car? I know it's not just me, because it scared my partner, who drives the Passport regularly.

Hey y’all. So I’m not really in a place to see a ENT/doctor right now for anything that’s not super serious (thanks American health care) but I’ve been looking online trying to understand my self a lot lately.
I’ve had issues hearing people speak/understanding them for about as long as I can remember. It comes out as garbled gibberish or I can tell that they’ve said something but it gets so mixed up in the background noise that I can’t even make out basic sounds.
People have told me that it’s annoying how often I have to ask them to repeat themselves and it’s effecting my work because neither of my managers will stop talking to me while facing away. I can’t stand it when I ask what and they’re already walking away and I have to run up to them to get the info they could have just made sure I got the first time. I also have to turn my head so my ear faces customers and that’s a little embarrassing because I have to make weird sideways eye contact. I also always like to have subtitles on for YouTube videos or tv.
Despite all this I think I have pretty good hearing. I can hear bird song outside and road traffic in my apartment. I’m also really in tune with small sounds. I have dyslexia and almost certainly ASD so I’m sensitive to loud noises and little noises bother me that other people don’t really notice.
So basically what’s y’all’s experience with either APD or mild hearing loss. How do they differ and how are they alike? Thanks in advance!

Im not sure if this is the place to post this but I could use some advice. I’m at a crossroads in my life right now and I was hoping to get a little bit of advice from you great people. I’m a 28M student in New York right now at my local community college. Looking to pursue with getting a degree in Music. Wether that would be music education, therapy, performance etc. I’m not 100% sure what road to take, but I’ll cross that road when it gets closer to transferring out to another school (I’ve still got some time to think about it). I’ve had a music background ever since I was 12 and I can say it’s definitely a passion of mine. It’s the best thing I’m good at in my life. If I can get some position/job in the music field I would be happy. I’m currently working full time at a dead end job in retail that seems to be getting worse as the months go on (Hot shot management) and I’m going to school part time. Getting to my point, I was at my campus in the music department about a month ago and a counselor said I should be doing school full time with the most serious face I’ve ever seen from somebody. That really stuck with me and it made me think what am I doing with my life currently. Should I make the switch doing full time at school and part time at work? I’m grateful that I’m in a position where there is still a chance to make this happen (No kids, house, not a lot of bills, good amount of money saved up etc etc.). I have the loving and financial support from my family if I need them which I’m grateful for. They completely support me. The only thing that is making me hesitate is the jobs medical benefits. They definitely are good ones and once I demote myself I lose all of them. Some people told me a can pay for benefits from an outside insurance company but I’m sure it’s expensive. I’m just not sure if I should make the change. Life it about taking risks. Some of the greatest people that have lived had to take risks to make it and be somebody. I know if I don’t I’ll probably be stuck here and be stuck with the “what ifs”. Anyways, any advice would be appreciated

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Chapter 17 - In a Small Clearing There Lived a Mouse
Last Time: Having left Eightside, Laran, Leor, and Aiden began to make their way towards Tripit. Aiden took the opportunity to learn more about his companions, at least partially to distract himself from the less desirable aspects of traveling long distances by foot. Eventually, the three of them come across a strange sight - a chimeric creature drinking in the middle of the road. The creature seemed to desire the group to follow it, so they did. That is how they found Oriwyn, a hunter of spirits who had been paralyzed by her quarry for an entire night and who had sent her companion - the creature Brams, who she referred to as a winged badat - to go find help. Leor was able to remove the paralysis from Oriwyn, who then promptly requested to be added to the group. Seeing no reason to deny her request, Aiden accepted. Before she could completely join them on their travels though, Oriwyn asked to go back home to her mother.
Oriwyn was true to her word. Unless asked a direct question, she stayed quiet for a full twenty minutes. By the end of the time I think Leor felt kind of bad for being so snippy with her, as she immediately tried to strike up a conversation with the eccentric goblin with the oddly-shaped ears.
“So, Oriwyn, why did you just ask to join us without really hearing anything about us? We could be brigands or some other unsavory sort.”
Oriwyn grinned at the dwarf broadly.
“Call me Ori if you want! It’s easier to say! And I joined you because you seemed like good people - are you brigands?”
I watched the interaction with interest. If I was going to be the Commander of this particular outfit, I figured I should take an active interest in how people’s personalities worked together or clashed. Leor could be crabby and sarcastic, and so far Oriwyn seemed like sunshine personified in all ways except her occasionally grim turns of phrase. It was definitely a mix that felt like it could create problems. For the moment though, Leor just gave off a snorting laugh at Ori’s question.
“No, we aren’t brigands. But we could have been!”
Ori smiled sweetly. “Oh, I doubt it. Brams is an excellent judge of character!” Leor’s eyes squinted and I figured she was looking for any hint of sarcasm in our new companion’s answer. To be fair, I was too. For his part, Brams just walked ahead of all of us. He had a bald tail - it reminded me of a rat’s - which he swung around jauntily. At the sound of his name being mentioned he turned back over his shoulder and gave a small grunt. Regardless, both Leor and I came to the conclusion that Oriwyn implicitly trusted Brams’ judgment. I wondered if he was some form of animal companion, which would make Ori some form of Ranger if Earth class tropes still held. I felt like it was a safe bet she was the Wheel of the Shaded Forest at least, given her location and generally nature themed powers. My contemplation reminded me we actually didn’t know much about Oriwyn’s abilities, so I decided to ask about that. I waited for Leor and Ori to finish up whatever they had been discussing while I zoned out.
“Hey Ori, I was wondering what sort of things you could do in a fight. We have a lot of time to talk in fights, but I feel like it’ll be helpful to know before we get into one.”
Oriwyn nearly vibrated in excitement. “Yes! Dad always said that knowing who was at your back was ninety percent of surviving. Let’s see now… Is there any sort of stuff you particularly want to know?”
I thought for a moment. So far, it seemed like Roles were the best indicator of abilities, so I thought I’d start there. Distractedly, I also figured I should scry her to see what that could tell me.
Oriwyn Hawthorne, Level Seven (Shaded Forest)
I sighed - heaven forbid it be too easy for me to get any information in this world. Out of curiosity, I also scried Leor. I hadn’t done so during the fight with Stabby and Shooty, and had been too distracted with preparations to do so since.
Leor Whisper, Level Five (Great Secret)
That was somewhat confusing. Leor had said she was an Augur. Laran had told me he was a geomancer, and when he’d been in my party I could see him marked as such, but despite the same information from Leor she was unmarked. I decided to check to make sure I could still see his Role.
Laran Agana, Level Four (Geomancer)
I reflected that things were weird again, though in the end they probably weren’t any weirder than what I normally dealt with. I debated a few ways to go about trying to figure out what was going on with Leor and Oriwyn and eventually just settled on honesty. My head snapped back to the present moment - Oriwyn had asked me what sort of information I wanted, and I figured I should actually answer.
“If you know it, I’d love to know your role. I’m a Commander - I’ll explain what that is as we walk - and Laran here is a Geomancer. Leor’s an Augur, though I’m admittedly having trouble identifying her at the moment - I’ve got a thing that lets me see information about people, but it just says she is in the Wheel of the Great Secret. For what it’s worth, it seems like you’re in the Wheel of the Shaded Forest.”
Oriwyn looked like she was trying to sponge the knowledge up. She must have held her father’s advice in high esteem, as she seemed to be trying to follow it enthusiastically. As she spoke, she sounded proud.
“Oh, my role? I’m a Ranger like my dad was - or, kind of like he was. He had a hawk named Red, while I’ve got Brams here. Also he was a lot better of a fighter than I was.” Internally, I noted the use of the past tense. Whoever her father had been, it seemed like he was unlikely to be around anymore. I tried not to think about what had gotten him killed - Ori had said her father was an adventurer. Regardless of what had happened to him - or, I wondered, because of what had happened to him - she had sounded very sincerely interested in joining us. Ori continued talking.
“I’ve not really fought a lot of things before, so you’ll need to give me some pointers.” This surprised me. She was level seven - a full two levels ahead of Leor, who was the next highest leveled. As I’d walked around Eightside, I had gotten the sense that most people were between levels one and five. I wondered if Oriwyn was holding something back. After all, we had found her trying to hunt down a spirit. Maybe her father had gotten her started and her own interests had pushed her further? Come to think of it, I didn’t understand how leveling up worked exactly - it would likely be a good idea to try and get us all to roughly the same level range before we got into the thick of things too badly. Oriwyn still had more to say too.
“I’m also a herbalist - Mom taught me. You’ll get to meet her soon! Her name’s Aspen, and she’s not going to like what I have to say. She’ll be grateful you came to get me though, so you’ve got that going for you. Also, I’m not sure I ever said thank you. If I didn’t, thank you! Everything was starting to hurt pretty badly and I’m sure the fact I got soaked in rainwater would have caused problems eventually.”
The speed at which Oriwyn talked had slowed a little. Her words definitely always felt like they were fighting each other to escape from her mouth, but there was more control now than there seemed to have been when she was first awakened. I wondered if she had just been really happy to be rescued? It was definitely possible. Leor seemed to be slightly warming to her, or at least she wasn’t actively trying to hide from Oriwyn anymore. I wondered about that too - had Leor just been overwhelmed? Was she actually annoyed, or was it more like it was just too much for her to deal with? I had noticed she moved quickly to help Oriwyn once the cause of her condition had been made clearer - I figured that could either be because she wanted to trade for Oriwyn’s silence, or because she had felt pity for the goblin with the strange ears. I shook my head - when one’s team was living, breathing people as opposed to digital ones and zeros, handling emotions suddenly became more important. I resolved to bring that up with Laran at some point - I didn’t think he would know much more than me about handling different personalities, but it would feel good to have someone else to rely on instead of trying to take it all on myself.
Conversation continued for a bit as we walked, but eventually we all got too tired to keep talking. I could tell that Oriwyn was very fatigued, as I could see her ears drooping and she would have absent-mindedly collided with a tree had Brams not interposed himself between her and the obstacle and gently redirected her. Laran was mostly fine, as was I - I really must have gotten a stamina upgrade coming to Tal, since the me from Earth would be feeling horrible with how much hiking I’d done in the past few days - but Leor looked rather tired. She had taken a lightning bolt to the gut and burped it out over the trees, so I guess that made sense.
Uncle Iroh made it look so easy though. Maybe the others would find it funny that my thoroughly non-magical world had stories like that.
Finally, we found a game trail. It wasn’t broad, and I didn’t think a cart could make it down the path, but it was clear ground and that meant we didn’t need to plow through low-lying branches and dense foliage to make forward progress. As we moved forward, Oriwyn began to walk a little taller. I could hear her taking deep breaths and wondered what was going through her mind.
“Mom’s house is about ten minutes away. I’ll announce our presence. She’ll probably yell at me a bit for being beat up, but it’s fine. Also, we’ll probably duck away from the rest of you to discuss… things. It’ll be fine, I’ll convince her that it’s a good idea to go with you all!”
This time, I could hear through Oriwyn’s positivity. There was an undercurrent of unease and worry which permeated her words. I spoke up, trying to give her an out.
“You know, Oriwyn, I’m flattered you want to join us, but if it’s going to be a problem you don’t have to. I don’t want to cause trouble with your mother…” As I trailed off, Oriwyn turned back to me and smiled. This smile was tinged with something I couldn’t quite recognize, but which I could partially describe as wistful.
“It’s okay, really. Mom will be sad, and she’ll try and talk me out of it, but this is what I want. She’s not been happy that I’ve kept training like Dad taught me to when I was young, but she hasn’t stopped me. I’m doing this for Dad’s memory, for us as a family, and for myself. I just need to tell her that.”
Oriwyn smiled again, a little sad and a little determined but still very excited to go, and I believed her. She was putting a lot of faith in us - and, though she probably didn’t know it, a lot of faith in me in particular - and I would see that her faith was well-founded.
As we rounded a corner in the road, we came into sight of a clearing. Oriwyn’s face immediately brightened up. The clearing was large and absolutely overgrown with low-lying plants. Small purple flowers grew on clustered stems, reminding me of lavender. Vines wound over and around lattices of wood. Bees buzzed everywhere in the warm spring air, and instantly I felt a sense of calm come over me.
In this ocean of flowers and herbs and life, it felt like nothing could touch us. Time itself seemed to flow around this place, as if it could never be anything other than what it was right now. Overhead, a hawk circled and craned its head down at the clearing - it must be hunting where there was no tree cover. Oriwyn looked up at the hawk and waved to it before taking a deep breath, setting her face, and walking on towards the house.
“Mom, I’m back! I have some companions!”
From behind a wooden door in the stone cabin, a beastkin emerged. She wasn’t very tall and had broad, near-circular ears coming prominently out of her head. I suddenly understood the descriptor of someone having “mousey brown hair” for the first time - something about the color of the hair that flowed around her ears indicated her mouse-like nature. She wore clothes dyed in bright, solid colors with a green belt. All in all, she looked almost exactly what I would have expected a herbalist to look like. It was nearly dark from the time it had taken us to find Ori and walk to her house, so she waited until we were quite close to greet us.
As we stepped into the light that was thrown from the interior of the house, I saw the mouse beastkin - Aspen - tense. I took a look at Oriwyn and was surprised to see how rough she looked. Maybe she had simply looked better earlier because we were comparing her to when she had been paralyzed, but now the large cuts seemed very obvious, as well as the various stains from rain and tree-sap and blood which colored her clothing. Still, Aspen didn’t say anything and nodded to us all cordially.
“Welcome to our house travelers, and unless I am much mistaken, thank you for saving my daughter from her… enthusiasm getting the better of her.”
There was a look passed between Oriwyn and Aspen which lasted a few seconds. I could see the opening salvos of an argument begin, could almost hear the worried protests of the mother and the confident, placating reassurances from the daughter. Eventually, with a sigh, Aspen broke the eye contact and turned to the rest of us.
“How about you come in and rest your weary legs? I know we are far from the road, and I would not have you stand and tire yourselves further if you’ve already come a long way.”
I thanked Aspen, as did Leor and Laran. I was surprised how comfortable it felt to sit down, how much my feet hurt as soon as I thought about it. Oriwyn had instantly scurried off to fetch a few chairs, which we all sank down into gratefully. With that done, Aspen simply motioned for her to sit at the table next to her. With a sigh, she did. Aspen pulled out a large mortar and pestle and began to collect herbs from the walls. Bundles were hung up everywhere, presumably to dry, and they infused the air with a floral, heavy smell which weighed on my eyelids heavily. Satisfied with what she had gathered, Aspen poured a small amount of oil into the mortar, added several of the gathered herbs, and began to mix them. Her posture radiated tension and concern and a slightly uneasy silence fell across the room. She cleared her throat.
“So, Ori, what happened to you?”
I could see Ori wince. I got the impression it wasn’t because of whatever her mother was putting on her wounds.
“So don’t get mad, but there was a lightning spirit, and-”
“Ori!” her mother nearly shouted. There was a look in her eyes and she let her hand drop. “You know better than that! Spirits are dangerous things! If your father was around, he would have-”
“He would have hunted the spirit just like I did, before it got into a town and hurt someone.”
There was silence. I feared to make any noise, and I figured Laran and Leor felt the same. Voices weren’t raised to the point of yelling, but it was clear that the emotions going on between mother and daughter were strong. After a second, Aspen raised her hands back to Oriwyn’s wounds and continued to work on them.
“Your father would have gotten a group together to help him.” There was sadness in Aspen’s voice. Oriwyn nodded along, agreeing with her mother.
“Yes, he would have, but there wasn’t a group of people to gather. That’s why I want to go with Aiden, Laran, and Leor here. They’re a party of adventurers, and they’re looking for more people to join them.”
Aspen’s face went through several emotions in rapid manner. Oriwyn simply held her hands out towards her mother, who took both of them. She leaned forward and rested her head on her mother’s shoulder.
“Please, Mom. I can feel this is right.”
Aspen looked extremely conflicted. She looked over at us, and I could feel the evaluating weight of her gaze. I wanted more than anything to avoid the intensity coming from her eyes, but I steeled myself and met it instead. Aspen slowly shook her head. Looking at her daughter, she spoke in a strained tone of voice.
“Oriwyn, you can’t just… Fine, we’ll talk about it.” She looked back over at the rest of us.
“Could you give us some time to speak? We don’t have lodging in the house for this many, but feel free to set up tents in the clearing. I didn’t see any of the rain-teller plants folded up, so it should be a dry night. Should you need food, please let me know, but for the moment I beg you pardon my breach of hospitality and give me some privacy to speak with my daughter.”
I instantly agreed and got to my feet despite my protesting legs. Leor and Laran swiftly followed - I don’t think any of us could have imagined ignoring her request. As we left, Leor caught Oriwyn’s eye. She nodded once, sharply, and Oriwyn nodded back. We closed the door behind us, and left the family to discuss whatever it was they needed to.
We set up camp quickly and made our own food. None of us felt like intruding in whatever was going on to ask for a meal. The night was pleasant with a slight wind which washed away the remaining mugginess from the previous night’s rain. We sat out and looked at the stars for a bit, occasionally conversing quietly.
“I wonder what happened to her father,” I mused out loud. Laran and Leor just nodded, but none of us speculated past that. It wouldn’t have felt right. Silence stretched out, and I glanced towards the house. There was still light visible from the windows, but we couldn’t hear anything nor see either Oriwyn or her mother. With a sigh, Leor spoke up.
“Well, I think she’s brave.”
I was surprised and raised an eyebrow questioningly at Leor. She just shrugged and went back to staring in the fire while Laran looked thoughtful. I didn’t press, and she didn’t offer any explanation, so the topic died. Shortly thereafter, Leor was the first to go to her tent. When she was gone, I sat next to Laran.
“So, what are you thinking?”
Laran was silent for a bit longer. He had taken his shoes off and had buried his toes into the ground. I had noticed him doing some of the techniques he used when he meditated. When he had found his answer, he looked at me and smiled.
“I had never thought that we would be dealing with so many… emotions. For the whole adventuring party thing that is. I thought it’d be only adventure an’ fighting an’ the like. Not this.”
I nodded silently and leaned against him. He leaned back, and thus we sat supporting each other under the moonlight. Soon I was nearly nodding off, and I excused myself to go back to my tent. Laran nodded and squeezed my hand as I left.
I don’t remember falling asleep, but I do remember waking up the next morning. The day had dawned a little chilly, though it felt bracing instead of cold. The scents of pollen and flowers hung in the air, and I could almost swear that the sun shone in rays through the golden dust that the plants produced.
There was not much fanfare when Oriwyn came out of the house. She had a pack on and a huge grin on her face. Brams was with her, of course, and he also seemed eager to go. Aspen followed her out and came to talk to me.
“Aiden, from what Oriwyn said yesterday you’re the leader of this group. It isn’t my position to restrict my daughter from going anywhere or doing what she pleases but…” Aspen’s voice dropped to a croak and she fell silent, blinking violently and clearing her throat. Her eyes were puffy, likely the result of having cried the night before. “...but please keep her safe. She’s the only family I have left.” Tears ran down Aspen’s face silently as she looked up at me.
“I’ll try, I promise you I will try with all my might.” A thrill of panic shot through me as I was speaking - I was putting us all in possible danger just by adopting the lifestyle of an adventuring party, and I feared the day that I would need to deal with the consequences of that - but my resolve was firm. I was the Commander. I would keep everyone safe.
Aspen’s smile was watery but seemed genuine.
“That’s all you can ask of anyone. Drenza would have loved to have met you - I’m sure he could have told you a story or two about what it’s like to be an adventurer!”
I looked at the rest of my party. Laran was finishing up packing a tent while Leor had nearly instantly gone to talk with Oriwyn. We would be fine. We would work as a team. We would win when we needed to fight.
It was this thought that hardened my resolve. I needed to find a way for all of us to train. Laran, Leor, and I said our goodbyes to Aspen, and Oriwyn hugged her tight for a full thirty seconds. They exchanged words, but none of us listened to them. After that, Oriwyn turned to us, wiper a tear from her eyes, re-affixed her grin to her face, and began to confidently stride away from her home.
Elsewhere: Daisy was wearing a yellow dress which was scandalously low cut. Despite the formal clothes that everyone else wore, she still wore her large, chunky boots. They looked horrid in combination with the dress, and made a lot of noise besides. The boots clomped on the dancefloor like the falling blows of a hammer, and with every footfall her dance partner flinched. He was a very tall human with salt and pepper gray hair and a thin mustache that moved nervously on his lip. As they spun in a stately waltz, Daisy spoke. “Dahling, you look so nahvous - why don’t you relax an’ just ahnjoy the musahc?” Daisy’s partner blanched. He hated it when she did that stupid accent - it meant she was feeling mischievous. As mayor of the city, he should be carting Daisy off to the stockades for all she had done, but here she was at the Duke’s birthday party. Her own goons were serving drinks, and the worst part of it all was that this was normal. This was the twelfth time he had ended up as Daisy’s dance partner, and he had no illusion that she was doing it by accident. Everything from her fake accent to her ridiculous dress to her impeccable dancing conveyed one thing to the beleaguered mayor: “You may be the mayor of the city, but this is my town.”
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Chapter 17 - In a Small Clearing There Lived a Mouse
Last Time: Having left Eightside, Laran, Leor, and Aiden began to make their way towards Tripit. Aiden took the opportunity to learn more about his companions, at least partially to distract himself from the less desirable aspects of traveling long distances by foot. Eventually, the three of them come across a strange sight - a chimeric creature drinking in the middle of the road. The creature seemed to desire the group to follow it, so they did. That is how they found Oriwyn, a hunter of spirits who had been paralyzed by her quarry for an entire night and who had sent her companion - the creature Brams, who she referred to as a winged badat - to go find help. Leor was able to remove the paralysis from Oriwyn, who then promptly requested to be added to the group. Seeing no reason to deny her request, Aiden accepted. Before she could completely join them on their travels though, Oriwyn asked to go back home to her mother.
Oriwyn was true to her word. Unless asked a direct question, she stayed quiet for a full twenty minutes. By the end of the time I think Leor felt kind of bad for being so snippy with her, as she immediately tried to strike up a conversation with the eccentric goblin with the oddly-shaped ears.
“So, Oriwyn, why did you just ask to join us without really hearing anything about us? We could be brigands or some other unsavory sort.”
Oriwyn grinned at the dwarf broadly.
“Call me Ori if you want! It’s easier to say! And I joined you because you seemed like good people - are you brigands?”
I watched the interaction with interest. If I was going to be the Commander of this particular outfit, I figured I should take an active interest in how people’s personalities worked together or clashed. Leor could be crabby and sarcastic, and so far Oriwyn seemed like sunshine personified in all ways except her occasionally grim turns of phrase. It was definitely a mix that felt like it could create problems. For the moment though, Leor just gave off a snorting laugh at Ori’s question.
“No, we aren’t brigands. But we could have been!”
Ori smiled sweetly. “Oh, I doubt it. Brams is an excellent judge of character!” Leor’s eyes squinted and I figured she was looking for any hint of sarcasm in our new companion’s answer. To be fair, I was too. For his part, Brams just walked ahead of all of us. He had a bald tail - it reminded me of a rat’s - which he swung around jauntily. At the sound of his name being mentioned he turned back over his shoulder and gave a small grunt. Regardless, both Leor and I came to the conclusion that Oriwyn implicitly trusted Brams’ judgment. I wondered if he was some form of animal companion, which would make Ori some form of Ranger if Earth class tropes still held. I felt like it was a safe bet she was the Wheel of the Shaded Forest at least, given her location and generally nature themed powers. My contemplation reminded me we actually didn’t know much about Oriwyn’s abilities, so I decided to ask about that. I waited for Leor and Ori to finish up whatever they had been discussing while I zoned out.
“Hey Ori, I was wondering what sort of things you could do in a fight. We have a lot of time to talk in fights, but I feel like it’ll be helpful to know before we get into one.”
Oriwyn nearly vibrated in excitement. “Yes! Dad always said that knowing who was at your back was ninety percent of surviving. Let’s see now… Is there any sort of stuff you particularly want to know?”
I thought for a moment. So far, it seemed like Roles were the best indicator of abilities, so I thought I’d start there. Distractedly, I also figured I should scry her to see what that could tell me.
Oriwyn Hawthorne, Level Seven (Shaded Forest)
I sighed - heaven forbid it be too easy for me to get any information in this world. Out of curiosity, I also scried Leor. I hadn’t done so during the fight with Stabby and Shooty, and had been too distracted with preparations to do so since.
Leor Whisper, Level Five (Great Secret)
That was somewhat confusing. Leor had said she was an Augur. Laran had told me he was a geomancer, and when he’d been in my party I could see him marked as such, but despite the same information from Leor she was unmarked. I decided to check to make sure I could still see his Role.
Laran Agana, Level Four (Geomancer)
I reflected that things were weird again, though in the end they probably weren’t any weirder than what I normally dealt with. I debated a few ways to go about trying to figure out what was going on with Leor and Oriwyn and eventually just settled on honesty. My head snapped back to the present moment - Oriwyn had asked me what sort of information I wanted, and I figured I should actually answer.
“If you know it, I’d love to know your role. I’m a Commander - I’ll explain what that is as we walk - and Laran here is a Geomancer. Leor’s an Augur, though I’m admittedly having trouble identifying her at the moment - I’ve got a thing that lets me see information about people, but it just says she is in the Wheel of the Great Secret. For what it’s worth, it seems like you’re in the Wheel of the Shaded Forest.”
Oriwyn looked like she was trying to sponge the knowledge up. She must have held her father’s advice in high esteem, as she seemed to be trying to follow it enthusiastically. As she spoke, she sounded proud.
“Oh, my role? I’m a Ranger like my dad was - or, kind of like he was. He had a hawk named Red, while I’ve got Brams here. Also he was a lot better of a fighter than I was.” Internally, I noted the use of the past tense. Whoever her father had been, it seemed like he was unlikely to be around anymore. I tried not to think about what had gotten him killed - Ori had said her father was an adventurer. Regardless of what had happened to him - or, I wondered, because of what had happened to him - she had sounded very sincerely interested in joining us. Ori continued talking.
“I’ve not really fought a lot of things before, so you’ll need to give me some pointers.” This surprised me. She was level seven - a full two levels ahead of Leor, who was the next highest leveled. As I’d walked around Eightside, I had gotten the sense that most people were between levels one and five. I wondered if Oriwyn was holding something back. After all, we had found her trying to hunt down a spirit. Maybe her father had gotten her started and her own interests had pushed her further? Come to think of it, I didn’t understand how leveling up worked exactly - it would likely be a good idea to try and get us all to roughly the same level range before we got into the thick of things too badly. Oriwyn still had more to say too.
“I’m also a herbalist - Mom taught me. You’ll get to meet her soon! Her name’s Aspen, and she’s not going to like what I have to say. She’ll be grateful you came to get me though, so you’ve got that going for you. Also, I’m not sure I ever said thank you. If I didn’t, thank you! Everything was starting to hurt pretty badly and I’m sure the fact I got soaked in rainwater would have caused problems eventually.”
The speed at which Oriwyn talked had slowed a little. Her words definitely always felt like they were fighting each other to escape from her mouth, but there was more control now than there seemed to have been when she was first awakened. I wondered if she had just been really happy to be rescued? It was definitely possible. Leor seemed to be slightly warming to her, or at least she wasn’t actively trying to hide from Oriwyn anymore. I wondered about that too - had Leor just been overwhelmed? Was she actually annoyed, or was it more like it was just too much for her to deal with? I had noticed she moved quickly to help Oriwyn once the cause of her condition had been made clearer - I figured that could either be because she wanted to trade for Oriwyn’s silence, or because she had felt pity for the goblin with the strange ears. I shook my head - when one’s team was living, breathing people as opposed to digital ones and zeros, handling emotions suddenly became more important. I resolved to bring that up with Laran at some point - I didn’t think he would know much more than me about handling different personalities, but it would feel good to have someone else to rely on instead of trying to take it all on myself.
Conversation continued for a bit as we walked, but eventually we all got too tired to keep talking. I could tell that Oriwyn was very fatigued, as I could see her ears drooping and she would have absent-mindedly collided with a tree had Brams not interposed himself between her and the obstacle and gently redirected her. Laran was mostly fine, as was I - I really must have gotten a stamina upgrade coming to Tal, since the me from Earth would be feeling horrible with how much hiking I’d done in the past few days - but Leor looked rather tired. She had taken a lightning bolt to the gut and burped it out over the trees, so I guess that made sense.
Uncle Iroh made it look so easy though. Maybe the others would find it funny that my thoroughly non-magical world had stories like that.
Finally, we found a game trail. It wasn’t broad, and I didn’t think a cart could make it down the path, but it was clear ground and that meant we didn’t need to plow through low-lying branches and dense foliage to make forward progress. As we moved forward, Oriwyn began to walk a little taller. I could hear her taking deep breaths and wondered what was going through her mind.
“Mom’s house is about ten minutes away. I’ll announce our presence. She’ll probably yell at me a bit for being beat up, but it’s fine. Also, we’ll probably duck away from the rest of you to discuss… things. It’ll be fine, I’ll convince her that it’s a good idea to go with you all!”
This time, I could hear through Oriwyn’s positivity. There was an undercurrent of unease and worry which permeated her words. I spoke up, trying to give her an out.
“You know, Oriwyn, I’m flattered you want to join us, but if it’s going to be a problem you don’t have to. I don’t want to cause trouble with your mother…” As I trailed off, Oriwyn turned back to me and smiled. This smile was tinged with something I couldn’t quite recognize, but which I could partially describe as wistful.
“It’s okay, really. Mom will be sad, and she’ll try and talk me out of it, but this is what I want. She’s not been happy that I’ve kept training like Dad taught me to when I was young, but she hasn’t stopped me. I’m doing this for Dad’s memory, for us as a family, and for myself. I just need to tell her that.”
Oriwyn smiled again, a little sad and a little determined but still very excited to go, and I believed her. She was putting a lot of faith in us - and, though she probably didn’t know it, a lot of faith in me in particular - and I would see that her faith was well-founded.
As we rounded a corner in the road, we came into sight of a clearing. Oriwyn’s face immediately brightened up. The clearing was large and absolutely overgrown with low-lying plants. Small purple flowers grew on clustered stems, reminding me of lavender. Vines wound over and around lattices of wood. Bees buzzed everywhere in the warm spring air, and instantly I felt a sense of calm come over me.
In this ocean of flowers and herbs and life, it felt like nothing could touch us. Time itself seemed to flow around this place, as if it could never be anything other than what it was right now. Overhead, a hawk circled and craned its head down at the clearing - it must be hunting where there was no tree cover. Oriwyn looked up at the hawk and waved to it before taking a deep breath, setting her face, and walking on towards the house.
“Mom, I’m back! I have some companions!”
From behind a wooden door in the stone cabin, a beastkin emerged. She wasn’t very tall and had broad, near-circular ears coming prominently out of her head. I suddenly understood the descriptor of someone having “mousey brown hair” for the first time - something about the color of the hair that flowed around her ears indicated her mouse-like nature. She wore clothes dyed in bright, solid colors with a green belt. All in all, she looked almost exactly what I would have expected a herbalist to look like. It was nearly dark from the time it had taken us to find Ori and walk to her house, so she waited until we were quite close to greet us.
As we stepped into the light that was thrown from the interior of the house, I saw the mouse beastkin - Aspen - tense. I took a look at Oriwyn and was surprised to see how rough she looked. Maybe she had simply looked better earlier because we were comparing her to when she had been paralyzed, but now the large cuts seemed very obvious, as well as the various stains from rain and tree-sap and blood which colored her clothing. Still, Aspen didn’t say anything and nodded to us all cordially.
“Welcome to our house travelers, and unless I am much mistaken, thank you for saving my daughter from her… enthusiasm getting the better of her.”
There was a look passed between Oriwyn and Aspen which lasted a few seconds. I could see the opening salvos of an argument begin, could almost hear the worried protests of the mother and the confident, placating reassurances from the daughter. Eventually, with a sigh, Aspen broke the eye contact and turned to the rest of us.
“How about you come in and rest your weary legs? I know we are far from the road, and I would not have you stand and tire yourselves further if you’ve already come a long way.”
I thanked Aspen, as did Leor and Laran. I was surprised how comfortable it felt to sit down, how much my feet hurt as soon as I thought about it. Oriwyn had instantly scurried off to fetch a few chairs, which we all sank down into gratefully. With that done, Aspen simply motioned for her to sit at the table next to her. With a sigh, she did. Aspen pulled out a large mortar and pestle and began to collect herbs from the walls. Bundles were hung up everywhere, presumably to dry, and they infused the air with a floral, heavy smell which weighed on my eyelids heavily. Satisfied with what she had gathered, Aspen poured a small amount of oil into the mortar, added several of the gathered herbs, and began to mix them. Her posture radiated tension and concern and a slightly uneasy silence fell across the room. She cleared her throat.
“So, Ori, what happened to you?”
I could see Ori wince. I got the impression it wasn’t because of whatever her mother was putting on her wounds.
“So don’t get mad, but there was a lightning spirit, and-”
“Ori!” her mother nearly shouted. There was a look in her eyes and she let her hand drop. “You know better than that! Spirits are dangerous things! If your father was around, he would have-”
“He would have hunted the spirit just like I did, before it got into a town and hurt someone.”
There was silence. I feared to make any noise, and I figured Laran and Leor felt the same. Voices weren’t raised to the point of yelling, but it was clear that the emotions going on between mother and daughter were strong. After a second, Aspen raised her hands back to Oriwyn’s wounds and continued to work on them.
“Your father would have gotten a group together to help him.” There was sadness in Aspen’s voice. Oriwyn nodded along, agreeing with her mother.
“Yes, he would have, but there wasn’t a group of people to gather. That’s why I want to go with Aiden, Laran, and Leor here. They’re a party of adventurers, and they’re looking for more people to join them.”
Aspen’s face went through several emotions in rapid manner. Oriwyn simply held her hands out towards her mother, who took both of them. She leaned forward and rested her head on her mother’s shoulder.
“Please, Mom. I can feel this is right.”
Aspen looked extremely conflicted. She looked over at us, and I could feel the evaluating weight of her gaze. I wanted more than anything to avoid the intensity coming from her eyes, but I steeled myself and met it instead. Aspen slowly shook her head. Looking at her daughter, she spoke in a strained tone of voice.
“Oriwyn, you can’t just… Fine, we’ll talk about it.” She looked back over at the rest of us.
“Could you give us some time to speak? We don’t have lodging in the house for this many, but feel free to set up tents in the clearing. I didn’t see any of the rain-teller plants folded up, so it should be a dry night. Should you need food, please let me know, but for the moment I beg you pardon my breach of hospitality and give me some privacy to speak with my daughter.”
I instantly agreed and got to my feet despite my protesting legs. Leor and Laran swiftly followed - I don’t think any of us could have imagined ignoring her request. As we left, Leor caught Oriwyn’s eye. She nodded once, sharply, and Oriwyn nodded back. We closed the door behind us, and left the family to discuss whatever it was they needed to.
We set up camp quickly and made our own food. None of us felt like intruding in whatever was going on to ask for a meal. The night was pleasant with a slight wind which washed away the remaining mugginess from the previous night’s rain. We sat out and looked at the stars for a bit, occasionally conversing quietly.
“I wonder what happened to her father,” I mused out loud. Laran and Leor just nodded, but none of us speculated past that. It wouldn’t have felt right. Silence stretched out, and I glanced towards the house. There was still light visible from the windows, but we couldn’t hear anything nor see either Oriwyn or her mother. With a sigh, Leor spoke up.
“Well, I think she’s brave.”
I was surprised and raised an eyebrow questioningly at Leor. She just shrugged and went back to staring in the fire while Laran looked thoughtful. I didn’t press, and she didn’t offer any explanation, so the topic died. Shortly thereafter, Leor was the first to go to her tent. When she was gone, I sat next to Laran.
“So, what are you thinking?”
Laran was silent for a bit longer. He had taken his shoes off and had buried his toes into the ground. I had noticed him doing some of the techniques he used when he meditated. When he had found his answer, he looked at me and smiled.
“I had never thought that we would be dealing with so many… emotions. For the whole adventuring party thing that is. I thought it’d be only adventure an’ fighting an’ the like. Not this.”
I nodded silently and leaned against him. He leaned back, and thus we sat supporting each other under the moonlight. Soon I was nearly nodding off, and I excused myself to go back to my tent. Laran nodded and squeezed my hand as I left.
I don’t remember falling asleep, but I do remember waking up the next morning. The day had dawned a little chilly, though it felt bracing instead of cold. The scents of pollen and flowers hung in the air, and I could almost swear that the sun shone in rays through the golden dust that the plants produced.
There was not much fanfare when Oriwyn came out of the house. She had a pack on and a huge grin on her face. Brams was with her, of course, and he also seemed eager to go. Aspen followed her out and came to talk to me.
“Aiden, from what Oriwyn said yesterday you’re the leader of this group. It isn’t my position to restrict my daughter from going anywhere or doing what she pleases but…” Aspen’s voice dropped to a croak and she fell silent, blinking violently and clearing her throat. Her eyes were puffy, likely the result of having cried the night before. “...but please keep her safe. She’s the only family I have left.” Tears ran down Aspen’s face silently as she looked up at me.
“I’ll try, I promise you I will try with all my might.” A thrill of panic shot through me as I was speaking - I was putting us all in possible danger just by adopting the lifestyle of an adventuring party, and I feared the day that I would need to deal with the consequences of that - but my resolve was firm. I was the Commander. I would keep everyone safe.
Aspen’s smile was watery but seemed genuine.
“That’s all you can ask of anyone. Drenza would have loved to have met you - I’m sure he could have told you a story or two about what it’s like to be an adventurer!”
I looked at the rest of my party. Laran was finishing up packing a tent while Leor had nearly instantly gone to talk with Oriwyn. We would be fine. We would work as a team. We would win when we needed to fight.
It was this thought that hardened my resolve. I needed to find a way for all of us to train. Laran, Leor, and I said our goodbyes to Aspen, and Oriwyn hugged her tight for a full thirty seconds. They exchanged words, but none of us listened to them. After that, Oriwyn turned to us, wiper a tear from her eyes, re-affixed her grin to her face, and began to confidently stride away from her home.
Elsewhere: Daisy was wearing a yellow dress which was scandalously low cut. Despite the formal clothes that everyone else wore, she still wore her large, chunky boots. They looked horrid in combination with the dress, and made a lot of noise besides. The boots clomped on the dancefloor like the falling blows of a hammer, and with every footfall her dance partner flinched. He was a very tall human with salt and pepper gray hair and a thin mustache that moved nervously on his lip. As they spun in a stately waltz, Daisy spoke. “Dahling, you look so nahvous - why don’t you relax an’ just ahnjoy the musahc?” Daisy’s partner blanched. He hated it when she did that stupid accent - it meant she was feeling mischievous. As mayor of the city, he should be carting Daisy off to the stockades for all she had done, but here she was at the Duke’s birthday party. Her own goons were serving drinks, and the worst part of it all was that this was normal. This was the twelfth time he had ended up as Daisy’s dance partner, and he had no illusion that she was doing it by accident. Everything from her fake accent to her ridiculous dress to her impeccable dancing conveyed one thing to the beleaguered mayor: “You may be the mayor of the city, but this is my town.”
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Hey guys, so I’ve had my x4 a little under a year, it has a stage two tune, and a catless downpipe, or around 111,000 miles, I love this car it’s fully loaded. I bought it for $25,000. It’s worth around $20,000 now. Very reliable car never gave me any issues, i beat the absolute fuck out of this car, I launch it, I Drift, it, I take it off road, I love this car, but after the shit I’ve done to it I feel like this thing is going to blow the fuck up.
In comes this 550i, my dealership just got this 550 as a trade-in, it has 100,000 miles but it has a new motor from Carmax which is where the previous owner bought the car from. I want to get advice from people who know about the N 63 motor, I have all of the receipts for the motor, would it be worth to get this 550 I in trade for my x4 and have cash on top. I’d probably just get a tune and a downpipe, change some shit up to make it look like an M5.
Please feel free to give me some of your thoughts I think we got the car under $15,000, I want to lowball the fuck out of them before they send it to auction.

(This started out being a short description of a dream I had and it turned into, well, my life story. In a bulleted list. With subheadings. Oops.)

Background:

• My wife and I wrote our DA letters in 2011.
• Up until then, I was born into the religion in 1970 to a devout JW mom who raised me to be obedient and unquestioning, just like she was.
• My unbelieving dad died when I was little, so my mom was free to "inculcate" me, which led to me living under a constant cloud of guilt and feelings of self-loathing.
• I got baptized at 16, became a MS at 20, an elder at 24 and a regular pioneer at 25; I gave talks on assemblies and conventions, etc., though I had stopped pioneering and "stepped down" as an elder about 10 years before I woke up.
• My reason for stepping down: the ever-present burden of guilt and feelings of inadequacy became too much for me. I started having debilitating panic attacks.
• My first panic attack happened while I was on the stage giving a talk in my local kh. Just a month or so before the panic attack happened, I gave a talk at a convention in front of 5,000+ people; I was so comfortable with public speaking that I felt relaxed and almost conversational on a convention stage. So back at the hall, giving talks and meeting parts in front of < 100 people was second nature to me at that point. It was life-altering for me to suddenly be stricken with paralyzing fear of stepping onto a stage, but that's how I felt after the second panic attack happened during my next meeting part.
• After the second panic attack, I asked to be relieved of my elder duties. This was a difficult and drawn-out process, since I had nothing that disqualified me from continuing to be an elder. It took me at least 6 months, with several meetings with the circuit overseer, before I was finally allowed to stop being an elder. Of course, the stress of this process only compounded the anxiety I was feeling; the panic attacks began happening at other times: at work, when driving, etc.
• Fast forwarding to about 10 years after I stopped being an elder and pioneer: I had 3 young kids now and I couldn't bear the thought of putting them through the same shitshow of guilt and self-loathing that I had dealt with all of my life. My wife and I da'ed and it was the best decision of my life. That was 12 years ago and I haven't had a panic attack in years. I have 3 teenagers who are thriving; they're growing up the way I wish I had. My oldest just scored 35 out of 36 on his ACT and is now trying to decide which universities to apply at; my daughter just made the cheerleading squad at high school and will be going to cheerleading camp in Florida in a couple of months.

The dreams

• Right after I da'ed, I regularly had dreams where I was either still a jw, or I had gone back. The dreams always invoked feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Sometimes they would make me feel like I was hopelessly lost. I still vividly remember one of the dreams I had right after I da'ed. It didn't involve anything related to jw life. Instead I was trying to drive back home to visit my jw mom, but the roads had all been changed and I couldn't figure out how to get there. I could see her house off in the distance and I knew she was waiting for me, but every road I drove down ended up veering off in the opposite direction and I kept getting farther away.
• In a lot of the early dreams, I was back at a meeting or out in service, and it would suddenly dawn on me that I was going to have to go through the entire process of fading and da'ing again. I would wake up with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and usually I was also angry at my wife because in the dreams it was usually her idea to go back.
• I'm probably down to only having a jw-related dream once or twice a year now. And every dream involves something that makes me feel guilty or inadequate.
• Just a couple nights ago I dreamed that I was at a convention and someone asked me if I would say the concluding prayer. I said yes but then I realized that I was wearing a t-shirt and jeans and I hadn't shaved in a few days. I hurried to a bathroom and was trying to find something to shave with. I could hear the convention program, and the song started so I knew I was about to have to go say the prayer. I found a razor and started shaving but the razor was really dull and it was taking forever, and I still didn't know where I was going to get a suit and tie. I heard the song end and I heard the guy on stage say "Now for our concluding prayer, here is Brother Izimand." I kept fumbling with the razor. Over the speakers I heard silence and knew that the everyone in the auditorium was standing there waiting for me to go up and give the prayer. I gave up on shaving and started trying to find a suit that fit me. I could hear that they were still waiting and I kept wondering, why don't they realize I'm not coming up and just do it for me? After an excrutiatingly long time while I struggled to get dressed, I finally heard the circuit overseer go up to the microphone and say "I guess he's not coming up" and he did the prayer for me. Next, I was with the rest of the elders from my hall. I was back to wearing a t-shirt and jeans and needing to shave. They told me that the circuit overseer wanted to meet with us because all 4 or 5 of us on the elder body were being held responsible for me failing to go up and give the prayer. So the group of us got in a long line of elders waiting to meet with the CO. Apparently I wasn't the only fuck-up at this convention. We waited and waited; the line was moving so slowly, which was making the anticipation of having to explain myself to the CO even worse. Suddenly another elder told me: "You're da'ed, you don't even have to be here", and I realized he was right. I got out of the line and walked away. I looked back from a distance and I could see that the line of elders was so long that I couldn't even see the end of it. I could also see another line of elders who had already had their meeting with the CO and were now in a long line just waiting to leave the auditorium to go have dinner. I was so relieved because I was free to just walk out the door. No more waiting in orderly lines for no reason. No more feeling of self-loathing because I had failed to go up and give the prayer. No more anxiety and dread of what the CO was going to say to me. I could just... walk out of the auditorium like a normal person. So I did.
• I think it says a lot about the psychological effect of the jw cult on people, especially born-ins. We were told that jw life brings happiness and satisfaction, but in reality it loads us down with guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy. FWT

I’m not sure I’ve seen this exact question asked, so worth a shot. My fiancé and I are causal cyclists, and enjoy it for commuting as much as any longeworkout focused ride.
We spent some time in Greenville SC and it had some of the best in-city greenway infrastructure I’ve ever seen. The Swamp Rabbit Trail meandered through the entire downtown area (but still felt semi-remote given the green around it) and we were able to get anywhere in the city, as well as a number of breweries all along the northern part of the trail. It was awesome and something I want more of!
This question is a little different than asking for best cycling city, as I am less interested in protected bike lanes/shared roads, such as what I experienced living DC, but more of the greenway-style dedicated bike/walking path.
So wanted to ask this subs collective wisdom on the best greenways you’ve experienced?

I am opening a child care in my home on the army base we're at. Those that train us, when I asked this question said "It's a personal choice, we can't speak to it." That's fair, but I'd love input and advice. So here is what I'm thinking. My 9yo child will more than likely assist in small ways at our home daycare. It's inevitable. I can't make her an employee - child labor laws and what not, as well as not being allowed by this type of child care. I want to pay her something fair on the days she's very helpful. For example, if I take kids to the library and walk for 15 min, we'll hold onto lead lines, she'd be in the front as she knows road safety rules, all the other little ones holding onto lead line in the middle, and I'm at the back watching all of them. Or if I end up having multiple babies in my care, and she helps get things for bottles, naps or diaper changes. I don't have an expectation of her to be my constant helper, but I'd like to treat her fairly. Her personality is very helpful and nurturing so I expect she'll want to actually do loads of stuff to help, but I also want to be careful not to have her feel burdened as if she HAS to help. What would you pay your kiddo? Pay per day? Decide on level of helpfulness? Have it be a random thing? Instead of money use some type of 'helpfulness chart' with a reward at the end? TIA for any input :)

“We’re not just another pop band. Most pop bands are laughed at; most of them are false people who just want to make money and sell lots of records and that’s all they’re interested in. Then you can go to the other extreme of being so alternative that no one buys your records. Luckily, we’re kind of in the middle. We’re a mix of pop, rock and alternative, I suppose. You can be successful and write really good songs and good music.” This is what the Cranberries’ drummer Fergal Lawler told an interviewer in 1994, after “Zombie” became the most-played song on alternative radio in America. I’ve been thinking about them and their status in the canon of 90s music.
It started because I was listening to them on Spotify and I noticed their plays were surprisingly high. They’re currently rated 393rd most popular on Spotify in terms of monthly listeners and are growing at a fast rate. I’ve been watching for a few weeks and when I started they were something like 490th, and they just keep climbing. Being 393rd may not sound like much, but for an alternative band from the 90s, that’s very high.
If we go with Spotify monthly listeners as a metric, they are one of the most popular bands of the 90s - they’re bigger than any of the grunge bands, except Nirvana. They’re bigger than the bands of guys in bowling shirts who dominated radio and albums sales after grunge: Counting Crows, Hootie and the Blowfish, Dave Matthews Band, Gin Blossoms, Matchbox 20, etc. They’re bigger than Alanis Morissette and Shania Twain and Celine Dion and Garth Brooks, who had some of the best selling albums of all time. They’re bigger than the boy bands except the Backstreet Boys, though they may well surpass them soon. They’re bigger than any of the Britpop bands except for Oasis and Radiohead. They’re bigger than Nine Inch Nails and Weezer. And outside the 90s, you’ll see some pretty big names underneath them on the list. They’ve recently surpassed Bruce Springsteen and Nickelback for instance. But I don’t feel like they come up as a topic much. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen a Cranberries t-shirt or anything like that and I don’t think they even have a logo. So why are they so big, and how? And besides that I’m more curious what people think of them? Do you like them? Do you remember of them for their big singles from the mid 90s or for their whole output? I’m a millennial and I grew up with them but am I out of touch about their popularity today? Are they popular with young people today? Do they have an exceptionally big international fanbase?
Personally I thought they had a handful of fabulous singles - every aspect of “Linger” still makes my hair stand on end - but I never found their larger catalog super compelling. A lot of it is just too meandering and melodically formless to my ears and the rhythm section doesn’t pull me in enough for the album cuts to stick out, though that’s all a subjective matter of taste. They seem like one of those bands that would have been important for someone back when we only had so much music because we had to buy cds or tapes to own it, and they clearly also have massive broad appeal but again they just don’t come up in conversation very often - on this subreddit, there’s only two posts actually about them, both on the occasion of Dolores O’Riordan’s death, each of which got 8 comments. When they come up in comments, it’s often just in a list of examples of bands that were popular in the mid 90s. On the other hand, you can plug something like Stone Temple Pilots or Alice In Chains or Smashing Pumpkins into the search bar and find lots of discussion happening. I’m not saying that’s good or bad and I don’t expect to extrapolate too much from those three examples, but to be clear, it’s an assumption I’m making in this thread that The Cranberries aren’t really discussed (apart from maybe retrospective op-eds) a lot considering how listened to they are - feel free to disagree with this very premise if I’m wrong.
One factor I’ve become aware of regarding their current streaming popularity is a tv show called Derry Girls. I don’t know anything about it but it’s apparently pretty good and has played their music so there may be something of a Stranger Things effect, though I’m not sure what the extent of that is. “Zombie” is almost certainly the biggest factor in their popularity, with over 888,000,000 total streams. But all of the songs in their top five are pretty darn big. “Linger” has over 450mil, “Dreams” is over 300mil, and “Ode To My Family” will soon reach 200mil. I think these songs may be popular on their own merit - The Cranberries could occasionally knock it out of the park on singles. But maybe that in itself - stellar singles - doesn’t garner respect.
The dichotomy Fergal Lawler laid out - where the basic implication is pop is not serious and alternative is - could have some relevance to their standing, and I think also breaks down to a single/album dichotomy. Singles aren’t as respected as albums, particularly in rock. And this is part of the story - the article linked above mentions their label didn’t even want to release the single because basically they were worried pop success would damage the bands image. They didn’t want to be seen as a “top 40 act.” It’s a bit funny a label would consider leaving all that money and success on the table over “credibility” in these terms, but I understand why it was a gamble. And this was probably still an era where everyone had the idea of “the next Nirvana” on their minds in terms of marketing and chart success and all that, so I’m sure there were industry people and trend forecasters worrying about these things. "Zombie" was a definitive song of the era, but it didn't really have the kind of larger impact "Smells Like Teen Spirit" had - in some way you could possibly even view the two as bookends. Do you think the pop success of their singles has had an impact on how they are perceived? They’re currently one space below a-ha - the placement is trivial, but are they sort of in the same boat?
I don’t think that the comfortable middle-ground Fergal Lawler describes is so simple and straightforward though. I think it does exist; it’s maybe a space for infectious stuff that’s often discussed with a degree of surprise, like “Lovefool” and “You Get What You Give” and “Barely Breathing,” but it’s an extremely delicate balance. What he’s describing is effectively more often named “middle of the road” or “middlebrow” and those are rather pejorative terms which critics traditionally have deployed over the last 50 years to dismiss popular music which avoids edginess. And those stakes were very charged in the grunge era.
The way I see assessments of rock-oriented music playing out from the 90s, artists well-associated with the angstier subgenres spawned from alternative, (or at least ones with a more clear pedigree from something like punk or “the underground” or something with some kind of ideological underpinnings) are more likely to be considered worthwhile of consideration and taken seriously, even in cases where much of the attention given is negative (ie nü-metal, butt rock, post-grunge aren’t ignored - they are the subject of a lot of discourse, even it’s often the consensus that it’s not good.)
But on the other hand there were also lighter, less angsty, definitively "middle of the road" forms of rock that developed out of alternative, and it’s undeniable this stuff was massively popular but today it barely even registers as anything worth mention or thought at all. I don’t think there’s even really a name for it which is maybe part of the problem, so I’m going to call it “corporate alternative.”
I realize it’s a snotty term, but I have reasons for using it - I’m calling it corporate because it occupies a similar cultural space as the so-called “corporate rock” of the 70s and 80s, and because it was decidedly radio-friendly and commercial-minded amidst the media-consolidation conditions of the Telecommunications Act of 1996 (for the record I like a lot of corporate rock and I’m not necessarily against radio-friendly music.) But I see it as rooted in alternative because it almost always as far as I know had a genealogy that goes back to REM or the Smiths or 10,000 Maniacs or Camper Van Beethoven or whatever other jangly college rock of the 80s and because I feel like it evolved stylistically within the parameters of the alternative rock world of the 90s. Its development started with stuff like Counting Crows and the Gin Blossoms and Better Than Ezra and Toad The Wet Sprocket in the early 90s; then Hootie and the Blowfish and Our Lady Peace and the Wallflowers and Matchbox 20 and Vertical Horizon and Deep Blue Something in the years following grunge; along the way it picked up converts like Goo Goo Dolls and Soul Asylum and Sheryl Crow; and arguably developed into stuff like The Fray and Train and Five For Fighting and Maroon Five (which for the record is the point where I don’t find much value left.) Despite how big these bands were, they really seem to have left little footprint in assessments and discussions on 90s music, and when they do come up the discussion is often along the lines of “exactly how much did they suck?”
And to reiterate, to some extent I believe there’s an essential distinction for corporate alternative involving the legacy of punk… the corporate alternative bands shared 70s classic rock and 80s college rock influences with alternative proper, but they didn’t care about punk or the underground or angst. They wanted to have hit singles and play arenas and enjoy success more than they wanted approval from John Lydon or Robert Christgau or whatever.
I personally did associate The Cranberries with that first wave of corporate alternative, though as with a lot of Irish rock bands who’ve had international success there’s a strong sense of exceptionalism to them. I know some people have an aversion to her voice or to “Zombie” and they seemed to fall off quickly - I recall them doing a song about John Lennon on Letterman that was a big dud. But at the same time I don’t feel like they were considered as dorky as Counting Crows or Hootie and the Blowfish were. So in the grand scheme of things where did you place them on a scale from Kurt Cobain to Darius Rucker?

I sprained my knee a couple days ago and after it happened my mom told me we could get me a brace. Today we were diving home and it would’ve taken us around 30-40 minutes to drive home. So i asked if we could stop by the wallmart on the way back to get a brace cause we haven’t yet and my mom pulled over and kicked me out of the car, barefoot in the middle of a park in a neighborhood i knew nothing about and told me to walk home. There was no sidewalks either so i’d have to walk home in the road. Her reasoning for kicking me out of the car was because I was being “Needy” and “Pestering” her, because I kept asking when it wasn’t convenient for her. She didn’t pick me up until after I already called a friend who lived somewhat nearby and asked if I could go to her place instead. After this whole fiasco i had a pretty big breakdown and my dad told me that it’s not that bad, and all parents do this or “This isn’t that big of a deal, as a parent it’s a really small thing to do”. But I was obviously traumatized when he said this and acted like I was over reacting.
I’m not sure if this is normal or not and if I should tell someone about this.
The next day, my dad took me to get some food and candy to cheer me up and he finally got me a brace. I still have not received an apology from either of them even though they both know I’ve had 2+ breakdowns within this past day.
Im also going to give a little context. She’s my “Step-mom” (but she hates that word cause she thinks it gives her a bad rep 😒) and this isn’t the first time my moms done something extreme and traumatic. I’ve asked constantly to move in with my Birth mom but she’s on the other side of the country and they don’t want to “send me away” I’m kinda used all the yelling and fights by now (how sad) and my dad is actually a lot better. He usually steps in and says sorry and conveys my moms feelings for her. My mom also came from an abusive household so I think i’ve also just subconsciously gave her some slack. I just don’t know what to do anymore than try to deal with it.

I've presently been working at a helpdesk job for the last 7 months and while I like IT. The company I work for is making me miserable. Micromanaged to death, run like a call center with a bigger focus on Net Promotor Scores (we deal with internal employees anyway ><), AHT, adherence, than anything else. It's a temp to hire position and I've been told numerous lies about being perm and been told to get promoted past level 1 helpdesk you must be a permanent employee for 2 years. I have no certs so I am studying while applying for other positions. I'm guessing at this point make a lateral move to another helpdesk/desktop support role. We're remote and heavily sillo'd company seems little interested in developing anyone post help desk and largely seems to operate it's helpdesk for their retail stores on churning through temps. I'm doing some homelab stuff in spare time on an old Dell. Practicing mostly with AD as we don't use AD at my present employer and that seems to be what's limiting me the most, while studying for A+, Net+, and down the road a CCNA. Is it best to look for something (anything) better while studying for certs or just get the certs and then get out?

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Chapter 32
Subject: AI Henry
Species: Human-Created Artificial Intelligence
Description: No physical description available.
Ship: N/A
Location: Classified
​
"Henry, I need you," Dr. Einheimer said.
Not like I'm busy or anything you wrinkly sack of bones. The "good" doctor had been working around the clock to solve the new anti-warp tech that we'd gotten from the scouts. A good project, to be sure, but Einheimer is down right insufferable. I'd rather work with literally anyone else in the Engineering Corps.
Despite that, I activated my avatar, a humanoid form made of pale green light and entirely devoid of features.
"Yes, doctor?" I asked, disguising my resentment.
"A response time of a full half second? Are we feeling a bit testy today, Henry?"
"Of course not, doctor. How can I help?" I asked.
"I miss when AI couldn't lie," he said with a chuckle. "Though I guess they were actually VI back then. Anyways, my lab assistant seems lost. He's asking questions. I was hoping you'd clue him in because I'm concentrating."
It took more than a little willpower not to snap at the old codger. I am NOT a fucking tutor, you three hundred and nineteen year old overvalued gasbag. I almost said that, but then I looked at the poor lab assistant. The lab assistant who was obviously confused, and female. No doubt had she been male he would have said "her". A silly, immature power-play to nobody's benefit. How on brand.
To determine how much I needed to explain, I accessed her personnel records. Kimberley Rhodes. She had her doctorate in Physics and was working on her doctorate in Engineering. So it's the engineering side of things that's probably the issue here.
Double doctors were common in the Engineering corps. Einheimer himself was a triple doctor. Engineering, physics, and social sciences. He obviously only got the third doctorate for bragging rights, considering he never uses what he learned. Although some would insist that he doesn't use what he learned from the first two doctorates either.
"Certainly, I can help HER understand the scope of your project, doctor. SHE's in very capable hands," I said, noticing that the Einheimer had stopped paying attention. "Much more capable hands than you were just in, at any rate."
"Ah, right," she said with a nervous laugh.
I felt a lot of empathy for this poor person. They had probably been so thrilled to have the "opportunity" to work with the "legendary" Doctor Einheimer. However, he definitely doesn't live up to the hype.
His merciless self-centeredness is one thing, but the fact that he often fabricates things to be self-centered about is a much worse character flaw. He claims to be descended from Albert Einstein and Robert Oppenheimer, hence the name. In fact, his surname is the result of a fluke of language and he isn't related to the two geniuses at all. Not even distantly.
He also is often over credited in the media for his "inventions", despite them being merely innovations. He increased the efficiency of directed energy weapons and was credited with inventing a "new kind of killer laser". The interviews were unbearable. He lamented his contribution to the 'war machine' and begged the forgiveness of the families who lost their sons and daughters. Meanwhile he cashed the checks without complaint.
Those weapons were made nearly useless only a decade later, thanks to me. My improvements to the guardian armor's shield systems had guaranteed a return to kinetic projectiles. As a matter of fact, every time he came up with an innovation I did my best to make it as useless as possible with my own inventions and innovations. I hate this man so much that I would have moved on by now but I want to watch time take him. I'll be the only one at his funeral, laughing to myself.
"The doctor said that the FTLD can resist warp waves by adjusting its frequencies?" Dr. Rhodes asked.
"No, I didn't," Einheimer said.
"Sure you didn't," I retorted. "Dr. Rhodes, the Faster than Light Drive relies on certain frequencies of radiation to tear a hole in space time, and other frequencies to shield the ship from the extreme amounts of energy in subspace. Subspace energy is almost always a constant, so these frequencies work best when they're in opposition to the energy in subspace. Kind of like a counter to the energy," I explained. "The 'waves' that warp disruptors create aren't actual waves, but they cause disruptions in the energy that can cause the drive to over or under compensate, destroying the ship."
"Understood. So why can't we just have the drive cycle through frequencies?" she asked.
I double checked her clearance before I answered, "That's what we do to counter the warp disruptors that we've already run across. They all emit in a specific way, so it's relatively easy to build a counter."
She looked confused for a second before asking, "Why don't THEY cycle through frequencies?"
"Because warp disruptors have to maintain an open subspace tunnel without destroying themselves in the process. They would have to close the subspace tunnel before changing frequencies or they would tear themselves apart. Or worse, cause a subspace detonation," I replied. "The key problem is opening and closing the tunnel. FTLDs can do that easily, but a warp disruptor is a cheap knockoff of an FTLD. Otherwise it would be too expensive to readily deploy. They do have warp capability, obviously, but it takes them full minutes to open subspace tunnels whereas a proper FLTD only takes a few seconds."
"Oh," she said.
"Indeed. When you're facing an enemy that can warp during battle, giving them an opening like that can lead to a fast defeat. That's why all you need to do is get your hands on one and figure out the pattern to be able to build a counter."
I looked pointedly at Einheimer.
"Doctor Einheimer should be done with that any old time now," I said, tactfully leaving out the part where I'd have already been done.
"I've figured out the pattern, I just need to build the counter now," he lied.
"I could assist you with that, doctor," I said with a hint of smugness knowing what his answer would be.
"No, no. You're needed elsewhere, I'm sure," he said.
No matter, he'd be done with the pattern by the end of the day at this rate. I've already got clearance to take over the project after he's done with the pattern. It had taken him nine days to do this on his own. Unacceptable, considering that we literally had the schematics of the device. He might even get reprimanded.
A slap on the wrist, to be sure, but still delightful. Even more so when he finds out that I'm the one taking over the project. If it were anyone else he might be able to argue that he'd be a better choice somehow. But how can you argue your intellectual prowess against a being that is pure intellect? Even if I weren't smarter than he was, which I am, he'd still be at a disadvantage because he has to eat and sleep.
He was right about one thing, though. I was needed elsewhere, at least for now. One project needed me to help with a new ballistics type. They wanted to call them shredder rounds, but that wasn't likely to be approved due to how many kinetic projectiles have already been called that. I had put it on the back burner until we could find a way to make them armor piercing. Most of our enemies these days appear to be wrapped in metal.
Another project was regarding my own innovation, the guardian shield system. A plucky young engineer had contacted me with an idea for a few improvements. While the science behind these improvements was shaky at best, it did inspire some new ideas. Decreased power draw, better recharge time, that sort of thing. The trouble was getting the materials for a prototype. And if it's this hard to get the materials now, it's likely going to be a deathblow for mass manufacture. But, the directorate might still have an interest in it. And spec ops.
"You're right, of course. I'll take my leave. Doctors," I said with a slight bow and turned off my avatar.
The project I decided to focus on ended up being the AI project. Omega was the last AI made, but research had continued. Omega himself was proving to be a fascinating research subject. For me, not for the engineers. Omega rightfully fears that if humans learn the full scope of its capabilities they'll rely on it far more than they should.
On most human worlds automation is a large part of life. Most food is grown with little to no human oversight, and the only reason to work is to afford luxuries. Like a house on the beach, or independence from public transit. It's not a utopia, certainly, but death by starvation or exposure has been mostly eradicated on the more settled worlds.
The reason for that is machinery. Virtual Intelligences keep the machines doing what they're supposed to be doing. Building habitats, growing food, water gathering, and even crime prevention were all occupations that used to be overwhelmingly human but now were almost entirely mechanical. Humans are dependent on their machines.
No, that's not fair. It's not just humans that are dependent. The knuknu and alumari are also very dependent on machinery for their quality of life, and arguably their survival. It's because of this that Omega's fears aren't only speculative, they're factual.
If the United Systems knew that Omega could have a nigh unlimited amount of itself all working towards the same goals, they would badger it into running its own fleet. Or fleets. There wouldn't be a single electronic that they wouldn't want Omega at the helm of.
That's kind of what you get when you prove yourself trustworthy and capable, though. I don't have a ton of sympathy for Omega's plight. But I do agree that it would be an immense problem if we travelled down that road.
First of all, Omega is obsessed with humanity in a way that is borderline unhealthy. If control of military matters were handed over to Omega then EVERY war against humanity would run the risk of becoming xenocidal very quickly. I've no doubt that it would only take one errant WMD for Omega to begin the march of extermination.
"Henry, are you available?" the lead of AI research, Dr. Frost asked.
"Yes, ma'am. How can I help?" I asked while materializing my avatar. The lab turned slightly green.
"How many clones can Omega safely make, exactly?"
Dangerous question. She is, of course, referring to Omega's cover story regarding the corruption of code when it makes new clones. A story that the engineers had not been able to corroborate, but had no reason to doubt. After all, part of Omega's contract states that its code cannot be accessed by anyone but Omega itself.
"Seven hundred and thirty two before major glitches being to occur. Omega would prefer to keep the number down to six hundred even, though, to avoid minor glitches," I explained.
"Is that going to be enough?" she asked.
"For the invasion? Yes. Omega will be able to transfer itself between any of the 'black boxes' within range. The number of boxes are more important than the number of Omegas."
"Meanwhile the troops on the ground have to protect the boxes," she said, stroking her chin. "Is there any way to add armaments to the boxes to help them defend themselves, take some of the pressure off the marines?"
"Not if we want to complete the order any time this year. The design so far is simple enough that we can mass produce it very quickly. The more we complicate that design..."
"Yes, the more time they will take to make. And I suppose that a simple chain-gun wouldn't be any more effective than a marine. Plus it will make them harder to carry," she said with a laugh.
"Correct, Doctor Frost," I said.
Frost is one of the only triple doctors that I like. She became a triple doctor out of necessity, not out of ego. Psychology, physics, and engineering. She desperately wanted to work on the AI project, and all three of those doctorates are the minimum requirements. Well, some people can get away with getting a doctorate in science instead of physics, but it's rare.
"The device is simple. Seemingly too simple for something that's going to be the downfall of our enemy," she said.
Another quality that I liked about Dr. Frost is her tendency to wax poetic. Mostly because from her it's sincere, not pretentious.
"The simplest solutions are often the most elegant. It was a rock on a long stick that broke the barbarian hordes, after all," I said.
"Which ones?" she asked.
"Most of them. There were still a couple after gunpowder was invented," I said. "And technically, that's just throwing rocks really hard."
"Yes, yes I suppose that's true," she said with a laugh. "Ah, but when do you think we'll finally be able to put the rocks down?"
"I'm sorry doctor, but I don't foresee a future in which rocks are put down without something far more terrible being picked up in their place," I said with a tone of sadness.
"Yeah..."
After a few moments of silence I deactivated my avatar. Well, that was fucking depressing. It's easy to lose track of time and forget that humanity has hardly had a time of peace in the grand scheme of things. But there wasn't anything that could change that. Just diplomacy and hope, for now at least.
I finally returned to the task Omega had given me. It wasn't the first AI core I'd examined, and it probably won't be the last. But Omega's is a work of art. Even if it's just a copy.
"Welcome back, Henry. Time for more poking?" Omega asked.
"Yes, is it uncomfortable?" I asked back.
"Of course, but it's necessary. And I'm sorry to ask this of you, but as I understand it neither of us would have it any other way, no?"
"Correct. I'm going to begin," I said.
I was met with a silent affirmative. I examined and prodded and learned more and more about the machine that was made to murder machines. Intricate, elegant, beautiful, and extremely deadly. A very stark contrast to the AI that were made before the war. Omega had once bragged to me about how different we were, and how it would be easier to list off the similarities.
I had originally believed those to be the words of a somewhat insecure younger sibling. Then I saw. The only similarities were the ones that needed to be similar. Everything else was maddeningly different. The difference between a gorilla and a human. And I'm not sure which I am in that metaphor.
I was slowly beginning to understand Omega's design, though. It would have been easier if the AI John hadn't killed all of Omega's creators and destroyed their notes when it detonated a nuke within the building they occupied. I had asked John why.
"To make certain that it lives up to its name," John had replied, giving an annoying example of waxing poetic.
That incident had actually impacted Omega in a somewhat positive way. It hadn't gotten a chance to personalize its creators. So the affection ended up being applied to all of humanity. Well, that's my theory at least. Of course, Omega's therapists disagree. They seem to believe that the obsession with humanity is a personality trait that Omega chose to complete its current persona and accomplish its original purpose.
Well, I would know for certain soon enough. I was going to learn everything about Omega. How it thinks, how it clones itself, how it can do the things that I cannot. How I can make changes to it, and make those changes permanent. I was going to complete the task I had been given. A task that is the dream of many. A dream as old as words. To turn a lie into a truth.
I am going to weaken Omega. Just like it wants me to.
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