Hello, I was the recently retired 63 year old anesthesiologist who asked about a week ago about possibly doing a reverse mortgage on my house for retirement income. This was my post where I also listed my current assets. After reading the comments I learned a lot and was not as financially literate as I thought. Also received plenty of private messages, including one from a fee only fiduciary financial planner from South Florida. Some of the messages were also not great, someone wanting me to invest in a film production company and one saying they were an underage girl asking me to send them money, among other beggars. Also I don’t need a realtor, I have one, thanks.
After looking at the reviews of the financial planner who messaged me, I ended up hiring him and we had a 2 hour meeting yesterday to make a plan for me (I will still be managing my brokerage account). He started out explaining to me how bad of a deal reverse mortgages are, so I won’t be doing that. Now my wife who passed 4 years ago from breast cancer, was also a physician, and between the 2 of us we were making about $1m/year. She was the one who managed most of our investments, was more financially savvy than me and encouraged saving. Without her I would still be in the OR dealing with the rude ASA 3+ patients that populate the South Florida area. Our income and previous lifestyle and the fact we had over $5 Million in stock market investments, led me to believe for whatever reason that I could spend $35k/month in retirement indefinitely. After our meeting and from the comments on this forum, I learned that was reckless and not sustainable.
Also, a lot were asking how much I spend on women a month. It is around $7.5-10k/month. Around $2.5k/month at the strip club and $5-7.5k/month to my sugar baby all in, whom I see 3-4x a week and travel with. It should also be noted she is in her late 30s who is not financially dependent on me, a lot were suggesting I was some creep dating college aged women or paying their college tuition. Another big part of my budget was Poker, I’m apparently not a great player and playing pretty high stakes, playing $5/$10 no limit holdem, where I could lose or win $3-5k/night, but now I’m just gonna start playing $2/$5 no limit holdem instead. $5-$10 Stakes make no difference in my lifestyle if I win and should reduce my monthly losing now that I’m lowering stakes. Poker is my only gambling, I’m not one of the old timers at the slot machines and thankfully don’t bet on the Knicks.
So this is the plan that we formulated. I’m going to sell both of my houses and my boat, which will be listed by the end of April after I return from my vacation in Bonaire. I will also join a boating club instead of owning, as i'm getting older, this is a better option. The sale of these 3 things will reduce my monthly expenses greatly, they are money pits. I am hoping to gross $6 Million from the sale of these 3 things. After realtor fees and long term capital gains taxes our goal is to net a minimum $4.5 Million on all 3 things, possibly a little more. I also realized there are condos that I like in Miami that aren’t overly expensive. I live by myself, I don’t need a huge place. I found a beautiful condo overlooking Miami’s Margaret Pace park in the Edgewater neighborhood, 2 bedrooms, for only $750k. This move by selling those 3 things and buying this condo or something similar, will save a minimum of $7000/month. This will also leave me an excess of $3.75 Million to invest.
Now for my monthly budget. We decided that we are going to reduce my $35k/month budget to a very strict budget of $250k/year (around $21k/month), which I intend to follow. I should be able to continue how I am living but now not throwing away tons of money on property/boat maintenance. Now there was also a lot of talk about how it was unfair I was blowing a lot of money on women and not my daughter. I do have a different view on inheritances, where you should be able to get maximum enjoyment with your money and anything you die with is a bonus for your heirs. However, I see other peoples point and I decided after all 3 things sell I’m going to gift $200k to her to pay off her condo mortgage, hopefully by September for her birthday, I’m sure it is also what my wife would’ve wanted and won’t make a big difference in my financial situation.
After buying the new condo and the gift, this leaves me with roughly $3.5 Million, which we decided will be invested in the following. $1 Million- VT, $1 Million- SCHD, $1 Million- DGRO, $250k- VOO, and $250k- VXUS. His goal for me was to have a diversified portfolio that would give me good dividend income but also have the potential to grow in share value. I asked about bonds and treasuries, but he told me at my NW diversified ETFs would be the better investment as they have better growth and it is unlikely even with a 30% stock market drop I would ever go broke. This should increase my taxable account from around $4.2 Million to the $7.5-$8 Million range. My taxable account should also be producing roughly $125k/year or $10.4K/month in dividends, plus my $2.5k month social security payment. For the remainder I’m gonna be withdrawing from my 401k, the plan is to withdraw $15k/month (current value around $1.1 Million in SP 500 funds), obviously, however this is taxable income. Should give me a gross of roughly $28k/month before taxes. This should give me at least 7-10 years, where I’m living off 401k withdrawls, taxable account dividends, and social security. So hopefully in this 7-10 years my taxable account appreciates as do the dividends.
He also recommended to diversify from my HCA holding, however I’ve decided to pass on that. It would trigger a lot in capital gains taxes, which I will be paying a shitload this year on the house, and with the current valuation and the fact we have an aging population I’m confident on the position, think it will easily double in the next 10 years. If it goes down 50% that would be my own fault and I’ll have to deal with the consequences and decrease my monthly budget. However this stock isn’t crazily overvalued compared to earnings, like a Tesla stock or a Bit Coin, so I feel safe with it. Also he said the MSGS position isn’t the smartest, but once again it’s a company I like, I grew up watching the Knicks game every night, and he understood that, plus it’s a small position.
Once the 401k is depleted I will start selling the HCA first, if dividends aren’t covering my expenses, as that has the least diversification. For now I’ll keep the BRK.B, as it is diversified, but is possible over time I’ll convert it to a dividend fund, like SCHD, if I need the income, if not my daughter can inherit it. Ideally don’t sell because that also has decent unrealized gains. Hopefully everything appreciates in the meantime, my planner said in 7-10 years, once the 401k is depleted, it is very possible my taxable account could be valued in the $15 Million range, if I don’t sell anything. Regardless, it looks like with my new plan I will have a good retirement, how I want to live it, which is large, and also have a good chunk left over for my daughter and possible future grandkids. Thanks again to this Fatfire Reddit community and also my financial planner I met due to my previous post on Reddit.

I have a mavik 3 pro mini drone, and i fly to the US at summer to do a roadtrip ij the west and east coast with my friends, and i wonder if i should bring my drone with me. I saw i won't be able to fly it in the national parks at all, so i wonder where i can actually fly it? And if it worth it/the risk? We travel in LA, SF, Las Vegas (Yosemite and sequoia national forest) and then go through the Grand Canyon all the way up to Yellowstone Then flying to Washington, NY, Boston and also traveling abit in Boston's area Should i bring the drone with me?

So I received a ticket after getting stopped for speeding in a school zone on March 2nd. I pleaded for a reduced sentence through the online service that the county provides. I was required then to print payment information and send it off to the PO box associated with Traffic and parking violations department, which i thought i did on March 8th. The problem i have is, i realize i wrote the address for the department itself on the envelope rather than the PO box address provided. Should I re send the form again to the correct address or should it be fine with the address that was provided on the envelope. I’d be happy to answer questions that might help me further, I’m just very perplexed at the whole thing, with this being my first ticket. Any help is appreciated!

I know last semester Rutgers had issues with their financial services and placed improper holds on many accounts. I was wondering if anyone else was having the same issue for this Spring 23 semester.
I just received an email stating I have a new hold on the account ($89.99) and have been trying to get in touch with someone to figure out what for. At first I thought it was possibly a parking ticket... but then realized it was too expensive to be one and I never received any email notifications like the others I've gotten.
Long story short, I was curious if anyone else was getting the good ol RU Screw like me or if I genuinely f**ked up somewhere.

I've got a 3-month-old Cane corso puppy. (He's been with us since Saturday, so 3 days now) My family and I have been working on potty training him. We kinda have a system where if we take him outside and he pees & poops, he gets a reward and he stays out and about for a little. If he has an accident, we tell him "no", we walk him and then we put him up. Sometimes we just put him up because we can't keep an eye on him. (Mom and Dad are at work, I'm in class or doing homework). Either way, when he's put up for either reason he wont. stop. whining. And I feel bad. I noticed he only whines when he can't be in our presence (If I walk out the door, he'll do the same thing) I wish I could be with him always but it isn't practical. Is there anyway to calm him down when we can't be with us?

I have been dating this girl for about 3 months talking for maybe a little more. Anyways things were good and I guess the honeymoon phase was great. But over time I found flaws and there were a lot of issues that I never brought up to her that I did not like. For example she would talk about her ex a lot, or at times criticize me because I was not always the best communicator but I did try, even though I only dated her for 3 months I told her things that no one else heard. Even my other ex with who I was with for almost 2 years did not know.
She suffered from mental issues, bipolar, depressive, maybe borderline personality. At times she would not talk, or just lay in bed all day, I could never be around her and fully be myself, I felt like I was walking on egg shells because sometimes a joking comment would just ruin her mood for the whole day. Like one time we raced each other in the park just for fun, I jokingly said "run faster", I did not mean it in any rude way, my tone was happy/joking like, but she took it the wrong way, stopped running, and then I felt bad. She does have poor control over her emotions, and naturally I like to joke as my personality. I remember we were having a great weekend for the most part, but then there was an external problem with one of her friends, she cried and pretty much did not talk to me even though I was only trying to be supportive.
In all this lead me to tell her that I was losing feelings for her because I could not see myself with her long term. This made her cry, depressed and but I was being honest. And we talked about it, but I was not going to break up with her but one thing she asked before starting the relationship was to be honest. This all just slowly gets worse, she would constantly bring up the fact that I said that to her and "How can she ever be with me knowing in the back of my head I had no feelings for her", she would tell me this a few times a day when we would hang out.
I just could not do it, that initial happiness and joy to see her, became nothing. Those drives to get her and hang out at times felt like chores, I was happier to leave her and go back to my place than to be with her. I felt bad and guilty because she had so many characteristics that I want, she was so easy to trust and never made me feel like she would cheat on me, she was open, smart, but the negatives were too big in my head.
This lead to us breaking up, she begged me to stay, I felt like shit, I felt guilty. She called my friends and said that she just wants me to "love her" and she would text them so much that they had to block her. I felt guilty, sad but then angry. I have never felt like that in any breakup before.
Fast-forward now, its just a cycle of me missing her, then hating that I met her, then sadness, then wanting to get back together.
She blocked me for about a month but then unblocked me recently. Of course I stalked her socials, I know I shouldn't, but she was hospitalized for 2 weeks after our breakup, she is now posting a lot of things about healing, and missing me but also knowing her self worth, etc. I feel sad, I want to talk to her, I want to get back together but I do not know why. I know how I felt in those moments and I know I had no feelings, but I still miss her. She also seems like a changed person but it's only been a month and I cannot see that. I don't know why she chose to unblock me, I believe in no contact so I just blocked her myself.
It is strange because my first breakup I just felt so sad but got over it. My next one was so easy and it was a mutual breakup. But this last one is just particularly hard. It opened up a lot of emotions and feelings deep down. I never though about going to therapy but am now on a waitlist. I just don't know what to do. Its funny there is this girl which pretty much told me she liked me a few weeks ago, and we text, and before this relationship I would have loved to take her out, but now its like I dont even care.

Burner account since he is on Reddit I (30F) dated a guy (33M) for about 6 weeks and everything was sooo good except the last 2 weeks were kinda weird. He explained to me ahead of time that something with work would be coming up and he was going to be extremely stressed out and working more than normal.
So that time comes, he wasn't as talkative but would check in and send me pics and videos of the stuff he was doing at work (and why it was such a stressful project).
We hung out later that week on Saturday night and everything was great. He told me that night that I was everything he's looking for and how much he loves spending time with me. Then Sunday-Monday he was extremely short, being very unlike himself and kinda rude. He said he's "just not in a good mood" so I let it go.
The rest of the week was better, but still kinda "off".
I asked if everything with us was ok, and told him I felt he was losing interest and being very hot and cold with me. I just wanted some reassurance that it was work related or if there was something else going on.
He apologized for making me feel that way, and told me I think the world of you, but I've just been so incredibly busy. And explained how much this upset him because it's an issue he's been working on/going to therapy for. (But didn't really go into detail)
We hung out a few days afterwards and again, everything was fine. Fast forward a few more days, he had to cancel our plans which I was understanding of, but he didn't reschedule, which he usually does immediately.
At this point I didn't want to say anything again, I was just going with the flow and waiting to see what would happen even though I was extremely upset.
A few days later I went out on a date with another guy and it's possible that he or his friends may have seen. When I got home I replied to his text asking what he was doing and he never responded.
Next day I text again asking if we're hanging out tonight...... he called me and says "well I miss you and would love to see you but I'm working overtime again and you have other boys you can hang out with" and hangs up. Idk if he was basically telling me to leave him alone or hinting that he knew I went out with a guy the night before. And we never spoke since.
We used to park near eachother in the same parking lot during the week and would leave cute notes on each others windshield. Since the last day we spoke, he never parks there anymore and I found out he goes out of his way to park extremely far away.
I also noticed that about 2 weeks later, he updated his dating profile with new pics.
Idk if I'm the idiot for not taking a hint that he's just not into me, or if I screwed this up myself??
It's been over a month and he's still on my mind constantly. I usually move on quickly and will "take my pride and walk away" but I don't want to with this one. I just can't let it go bc of how excited I was and how I felt when I was with him. Please helppppp :(

Hello dubai
I have a question for y'all about parking and riding the metro at Ibn Battuta
Basically, I was thinking of parking my car at the "park&ride" that it's supposed to be free for metro users, is that the case if I take my car back after a few days? Because I would like to park my car there, take the metro to Dubai Airport T1 and come back after 3 days, but I don't want to be towed/slapped with a fine/having to pay a big parking fee.
Do you know if that's possible?
Thanks ❤️

I’m starting the process of looking for an EV; I put an order in for a MY but I don’t know if I can handle supporting Musk 🤷🏽‍♀️ 😬 plus there are SO MANY Teslas where I live (Seattle). I’ve also looked at xc40, Mach-e and VW but I really like the look/interior of the PS2 from what I have seen online (have a test drive scheduled for this weekend).
I need something that I can fit two car seats in - one rear facing, one forward - does anyone have a similar set up? Do you like it?
My husband has a Sienna that we use for road-trips etc - this would mostly be for city driving.
Oh also - are there parking sensors? I just realized they won’t be on my MY; I’ve actually never had them but my husband does in his car and I think they would be nice to have.

So here’s the deal: I think that Frances Berwick who is currently the chairman of entertainment networks at NBCU (which includes NBC, Bravo, USA, SYFY, E!, Oxygen and Universal Kids) would add oversight of all of Warner Bros Discovery’s cable networks (including Discovery Channel, TLC, HGTV, Food Network, Science Channel, Travel Channel, Magnolia Network, Motor Trend, Investigation Discovery, OWN, TBS, TNT, TruTV, TCM, Cartoon Network, Adult Swim and Boomerang) with the exception of HBO and TCM which would be put under the purview of HBO head Casey Bloys who would become Chairman, CEO and Chief Content Officer for HBO, with Bloys reporting directly to CEO Jeff Shell. Sarah Aubrey who is HBO Max’s head of original content, would become co-Chief content officer of HBO, sharing the position with Bloys, whom she will report to. Aubrey would also serve as head of scripted content for peacock, reporting to Susan Rovner. This means she would become Chairman of US Networks for Discovery NBCU. Casey Bloys would stay on as head of HBO but would report to Mark Lazarus instead of Berwick. Cartoon Network President Michael Oulween would also add programming oversight of Universal Kids Temporarily until the channel shuts down. Oulween would also oversee kids and family content for peacock. Jason Sarlanis who oversees the T-Nets as well as HLN and Investigation Discovery and Howard Lee who oversees the D-Nets and TLC would leave the combined Company as their roles would be redundant. Sarlanis and Lee’s roles would be assumed by Berwick. Pola Changon, who oversees TCM, would report directly to Casey Bloys as the Channel would be put under the HBO group. WBD US Networks Chairman and CCO Kathleen Finch would also leave the company.
Susan Rovner who is the chairman of entertainment content for NBCU television and streaming would also add oversight for creative strategy for original entertainment for all of WBD’s cable networks (with the exception of HBO, which will be continued to be run by Casey Bloys and Cartoon Network, Boomerang and Adult swim, which will be continued to be led by Michael Ouwleen, as well as TCM, which will be continued to be led by Pola Changnon). She would also lead content for the combined HBO Max-Discovery+-Peacock streaming service (which would continue to have the peacock name). All of them would report to Mark Lazarus will be Chairman of Discovery NBCU television and streaming as would NBC News head Cesar conde. Rashida Jones is president of MSNBC would continue to report to Conde as would CNBC president KC Sullivan and Telemundo Chairman Beau Ferrari. Now here’s an interesting one. Corie Henson who is currently executive vp of entertainment unscripted content for NBCU Tv and streaming where she oversees reality programming for all NBCU’s of cable networks and streaming service Peacock, would also now oversee all unscripted content for the now former WBD Networks. In addition, Henson would also become President for the D-Nets, TLC, HGTV and Food Network with Henson overseeing all aspects of Discovery Channel, Travel Channel, Science Channel, Animal Planet, Investigation Discovery, HGTV, TLC and Food Network including programming and development alongside Susan Rovner in addition to her new role as EVP, unscripted content, Discovery NBCU taking some pressure off Berwick. Henson would also absorb Rod Aissa’s role of oversight for unscripted lifestyle and documentary programming in addition to her current role overseeing reality and talent completion and game show programming, meaning she would oversee all types of unscripted programming for the company. Aissa would leave the company as a result. So, Henson’s position would be, EVP, unscripted content, Discovery NBCU television and streaming, and president, D-Nets, TLC, HGTV, and Food Network, reporting to both Berwick and Rovner. Betsy Ayala and Loren Ruch, who oversee Food Network and HGTV respectively would stay on and report to Henson. For streaming JB Perrette, who serves as CEO of Global streaming and Games, would leave the company, and be replaced by NBCU direct to consumer and international chairman Matt Strauss who would also replace Gerhard Zeiler as international chief. Strauss’ new position would Chairman and CEO of streaming and international networks, Discovery NBCU, where he would oversee the non-Sky international networks reporting to both Mark Lazarus and Sky Group CEO Dana Strong. Kelly Campbell would stay on President of Streaming and Direct to Consumer for Discovery NBCU. Lisa Katz, who oversees scripted content for all NBCU’s broadcast and tv networks and the peacock streaming service, would also now oversee all scripted programming across all WBD cable networks (with the exception of HBO of course). Katie Hockmeyer, who oversees late night programming for NBC as EVP of Late night would now add oversight of all late-night programming across of the cable network portfolio as well as peacock, including Bravo and HBO, which include shows like Watch what happens live, Real time with Bill Maher and Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. Hockmeyer would report to both Frances Berwick and Casey Bloys. Jen Neal, EVP, Live Events, NBCUniversal Television & Streaming, would now oversee live events for all former WBD Networks (except HBO). Alex Wellen, Global President, and General Manager for Motor Trend Group would report to Casey Bloys as the entire Motor Trend group would also be put under the HBO Umbrella. So, Casey Bloys’ HBO unit would consist of HBO and its sister networks, TCM, Magnolia Network and Motor Trend. NBC Sports and WBD Sports would be merged into one company keeping the NBC Sports name with NBC Sports Chairman Pete Bevacqua becoming Chairman and CEO of Discovery NBCU Sports. All would report to Mark Lazarus who would be Chairman Networks and streaming at Discovery NBCU.
Warner Universal Pictures would be led by Donna Langley as Chairwoman, with Peter Cramer becoming chairman of Universal Studios, Michael De Luca and Pam Abdy becoming Co-CEOs of Warner Bros Entertainment, James Gunn and Peter Safran remaining as Co-CEOs of DC Studios, and Peter Kujawski continuing as chairman of focus features. Margie Cohn would stay on as president of DreamWorks Animation which will merge with Warner animation group and Chris Meledandri will stay on as CEO of Illumination. All would report to Langley.
Discovery NBCU content studios would be the television unit for the combined company. The division would keep the Warner Bros Television and Universal Television and Universal Content Productions names like how Disney keeps ABC Signature and 20th television names. The combined group would be led by Universal studio group chairman Pearlena Igbokwe with Universal Television president Erin Underhill, Warner Bros Television Group Chairwoman Channing Dungy and President Brett Paul and Universal Content production president Beatrice Springborn all reporting to Igbokwe. Warner Bros Domestic Television Distribution and NBCUniversal Syndication Studios would be merged to create Discovery NBCU syndication studios, which would serve as the broadcast and cable syndication and television distribution unit of Discovery NBCU studios. Tracie Wilson, who currently serves as Executive Vice President, NBCUniversal Syndication Studios & E! News, would become president of discovery NBCU syndication studios and E! News. The combined arm would have a variety of first run syndicated shows including Maury, Jerry Springer, Extra, Access Hollywood, the Steve Wilkos Show, Judge Mathis, the Ellen degeneres show, the Jennifer Hudson show, the people’s court, the Kelly Clarkson Show and more. It would also serve as the distributor of Off network syndication reruns of shows produced by Warner Bros TV and Universal TV including the law and order and Chicago franchises, The Big Bang Theory, Young Sheldon, Friends, The Office, Parks and Recreation, Smallville, The closer, Rizzoli and Isles, Full House, Dateline and more.
All these executives would report to Jeff Shell, who would become CEO of Discovery NBCU (the name of the combined company). Bonnie Hammer who is Bonnie Hammer who is currently vice chairman of NBC universal, would become President of Discovery NBCU. Warner Bros Discovery CFO Gunnar Wiedenfels, would continue in his role as CFO for Discovery NBCU. Chief Human Resources and Global Diversity Officer Adria Alpert Romm, Chief Accounting Officer Lori Locke, General Counsel Savelle Sims, Chief Technology Officer Avi Saxena, Chief Development, Distribution and Legal Officer Bruce Campbell, Chief Corporate Affairs Officer David Leavy, and Chief U.S. Advertising Sales Officer Jon Steinlauf, would all continue in their roles that they had from Warner Bros Discovery at Discovery NBCU with Steinlauf now reporting to Global Advertising and Partnerships Chairman, Linda Yaccarino. Matt Bond who is NBCUniversal’s Chairman of Content Distribution would now report to Campbell as would Matt Schnnars, President, Content Distribution. Jen Friedman, NBCU’S EVP of commuincations would now be Chief Commuincations Officer with Leavy reporting to her. NBCU EVP and Chief Diversity Officer Craig Robinson would stay on in his position with Alpert Romm reporting to him. Discovery NBCU would have its headquarters at 30 Rockefeller plaza at the comcast building in NYC. Shell would continue to report to Comcast CEO Brian Roberts.

Have a cool one at your park? Post a video or picture! We need more cool shenanigans on this reddit!

I’ve gone to DQ for free cone day since 2016. This year I went alone for the first time instead of being a passenger with my dad. I got to the speaker and asked for “Just the free cone please!”… I was never asked if I wanted it dipped, which I know costs $1. I saw other people be given the vanillas, but to my surprise I was given a chocolate dipped cone, to which I just said “Thank you!” and greatly enjoyed in the parking lot. I’m 90% sure it was because the guy at the window thought I was pretty; he was smiling at me SO much the whole time I was at the window, and sometimes you can just tell when someone is being super nice because they’re into you, rather than it just being good customer service (it happened just the day before at Wendy’s, where the guy actually ended up telling me I’m pretty lol) If someone else bought a dipped cone and he gave it to the wrong person, he would’ve asked me for the $1. So I’m wondering if this happened to anyone else, or any workers here also gave a customer a free DIPPED cone yesterday just because they wanted to. It made me so happy after having a rough day.

Hello, I am looking for fertility clinics that do IUI in Southern California. My partner and I are not pursuing IVF, so I do not need any recommendations there.
Of these recommendations, does anyone know if they give estimated costs up front? Does anyone know approximately how much IUI at a fertility clinic costs per cycle without insurance? I realize these costs vary from clinic to clinic, but I have absolutely no frame of reference as this is quite new to me, so just looking for ball park figures. Thank you!

​
A rule breaking truck driver takes a forbidden detour.
​
Don't Feed the Pumpkins
I'm typing this as a record of what has happened to me. If someone should find me out here, where ever here is, this is what happened and who is responsible. Also, out of the dozens of vehicles bogged down in this field, mine is the Blue Jay 2013 Freight Liner. If I should die and it is recoverable, it should go to my son, John Grainger in Antioch, Illinois.
I left Litchfield Illinois around 2pm on Halloween with a last-minute load of pumpkins destined for the Antioch Walmart. Despite the fact I was once that told Illinois is the #1 pumpkin producer in the country the itself state appears to be in the midst of a shortage. I was due in about 8pm, but I was trying get in by 6pm and after unloading, I was going to visit my wife Carly and my son for Halloween. It was going to be the first Halloween in my son's life that I was going to be there for trick o treating. My wife was making a big deal out of it and John was 10 now, so, she said he would be “scarred with disappointment” if I didn't show now. So, I probably should have gotten better sleep the night before and sue me, I was gear jamming and popping go-pills like popcorn. Don't look down on me, don't be fooled, this is just the nature of the trucking industry. Everyone does it and I'm not afraid to tell it like it is.
Just after Normal on 39 I hit a wall of traffic. I could hear on the CB that there is a hazmat incident up ahead and they require special teams to clear it off. I, like the other truckers, get to gabbing on the radio, looking for shortcuts. To my surprise, after scrutinizing this route several times before, I was informed about a “gutshot” shortcut just ahead that could get in me into my destination at least an hour earlier, even with the fact I had sat in the backup for at least 45 minutes at this point. A second comrade in gears piped in and stated that the shortcut was closed. The first driver contradicted him and stated, he had used it two weeks ago, it was wide open country land you could go 70 the whole way, and the only town along the way had burned down in an industrial accident 30 years ago. The second trucker chimed in again. He said it was closed for tonight and only tonight and not to use it. I disregarded the second trucker, exited the interstate and followed the directions of the first trucker.
Well, Carly, you always said it would be this way. You always said, I needed to learn how to follow directions to not cut so many damn corners all the time. You always told me didn't put in the work, and the funny thing is, for the first time, on this drive, get there, I did. Sure, I cut all the corners, but I wanted to to put in the work. But you're right, I never put a second of effort in, and if this is how it ends, I suppose you're right, I never will. But I guess, one way or another, you're getting what you've wanted, what you text me, what you don't tell me about, and what I didn't care about. I was coming home for him and damn it, I know it won't hold up in court but I want my boy to get the damn truck!
Anyway, I found the road, 2 lanes clear to the sky, surrounded by corn and then pumpkin fields forever. My straight shot, I pushed 80 the whole way flying on cracked asphalt, diesel, and go-pills. Ahead, there were barricades and I applied the brakes and barely stopped in time. I got out and saw they were chained up with a padlock to concrete posts in the ground. In theory, I could blast through them but I would sustain serious damage. The ground was a bit wet so I didn't think I could cross the ditch and field and not get stuck either. The barricades were not official in the least. They had a sign on them made out of it mailbox stick-on letters which said: “Do Not Feed The Pumpkins”. As far as I could see from my cab and binoculars, there was absolutely nothing wrong with the damn road. I said hell and I knew it would take hours to reverse course and get back in time – in time to even unload much less make it in time to go trick o treating.
And I said it wasn't worth it. I didn't bother to call. I'd just show up now. Because it wasn't my fault. So I started back, turning around with great difficulty. I traveled back 2 miles and saw small signs for a rest area. I must have missed it the first time, too deep into the zone I suppose now. I needed to pee and probably eat a bit before starting a roundabout way back, so I stopped. It was a little old 2 story joint with a small dinner on the 1st level and looked like 4 or 5 small motel rooms on top and oddly an outhouse for a restroom. I want to emphasize the outhouse because that is how you'll find and catch this guy, the guy who did this to me. It was Bill Shaw of Shaw's Shack, who did this to me. It had a sign with the building, it too was made of stick-on letters and vaguely resembled a huge ransom note. It read “Yes! We are open! We are the only rest area for 67 miles and 1 of 2 “tombstones” for the late great town of Pumpkin Grove Illinois – the former pumpkin capital of Illinois. Ask Your host, Bill Shaw about the Pumpkin-beef-bean stew!
The parking lot had three vehicles in it, not including my own, a silver Prius, a grand cheeroke with wood panels, and an older model chevy pick up truck. I went inside. The dinner was small, set in a rustic décor with old license plates nailed to the walls. The cafe had eight counter seats and two smaller tables near the two windows. There were two witnesses to what happened that night, to what Bill Shaw did – at least partial witnesses. There was the older man with stringy white hair and octagonal glasses – unfortunately, I didn't get his name. There was that irritating millennial – All I remember is the metal crap in her ears and lip. Hell, if I die and John starts ever pulling that crap, I'll come back and haunt the crap out of both of you. Anyway, now, I wish I could remember their names or something else about them to put here. I didn't care about either one of them enough to remember.
I guess that goes for Shaw too. He was a bit taller as sometimes I couldn't see his face while sitting at the counter because of the low lights in the ceiling blocking his face. He had gray hair. Hell. That's it. Anyway, the old man said he was part of a historical society, said he spent the better part of his past two years tracking down anyone or anything about Pumpkin Grove. The college student – of course – it was college student said she was from the school newspaper, looking for a spooky story. When she asked me where I was from, I didn't respond.
Shaw came from the kitchen with two big bowls of the famous Pumpkin-beef-bean stew for first two. He seemed taken back by my presence for a bit before saying “howdy” and trying to get real friendly with me. He asked what media I was from. I told him I wasn't from no media and I was trying to get through the barricade up ahead. Neither of the other two seemed to know about the barricade. Shaw said he didn't know anything about it either. I was suspicious of him then because of the lettering on the signs. But I didn't push it. I wanted to eat and he said my choice was the stew or stew. So the stew seemed fine. He said he wished he had more time to chat with me but he promised to tell the story of Pumpkin Grove to the two others but I was welcome to listen and ask questions. I didn't say it but I couldn't care less, I was going no where fast and I needed to eat.
He started off by saying he and his wife are among a handful of survivors of the fire that consumed the town of Pumpkin Grove some 30 years ago on Halloween night. Then his story descended into a cross between a rambling fading nightmare and a ghost story. He said, without hesitation, fear of consequence or remorse that he was accessory to a murder in his childhood. Specifically, some 40 years ago, again on Halloween, he was friends with a small group of young men including one named Donnie, who was a little slow and had a slightly misshaped head. He was picked on a lot by the Gerst Brothers, notorious town bullies and teenage thugs of a bad seed thanks to their neglectful alcoholic single father. Long story short, he said, the Gerst Brothers lured Donnie, himself and another 2 boys out to a pumpkin field where they gave back Donnie's missing dog. Apparently they kidnapped the dog and wrapped every inch of it in duct tape a few days ago. They watched us try to peel and pull the duct tape off while the weakened, hungry, and thirsty dog whimpered away its last in the field. Unbeknownst to any of us, Donnie had a pocket knife and he lost it as the Gerst Brothers cackled around him and the dead dog. He leaped up as they laughed and sliced the vein on their necks. One of the Brothers died quickly while Donnie and the two others fought the other to death. Shaw said he just stood there, covered in arterial blood splatters, watching Donnie and the others finish off the Gersts.
Much of the town was shockingly grateful to hear the Gerst Brothers were dead and everyone was all too happy to sweep it under the rug rather than have 4 of their sons incarcerated for decades when they were needed to help with the town's bread and butter – the Pumpkins. So, they buried the Gerst Brothers in that field and grew pumpkins on their corpses and no one really talked about it. The town paid off their father, who was too inebriated most of the time to care and he gleefully drank himself to death on the payoff only about a year later.
I didn't have much of a reaction to the story. The historian on the other hand, was hesitant to stay and keep writing and he made a brief protest concerning whether or not the story was true and whether or not he could legally listen to it. Shaw said it was both true and legal. After all, there was nothing left of the town and the remains were long gone and he himself, would not bare witness to himself. The college student's dumb metal encrusted mouth was agape in a mix of horror and disbelief.
I was waiting, patiently, might I add, for my stew. Shaw promised it would be up soon. He continued the story, stating that the fields produced abnormally well afterwards and 10 years later he was visiting his parents with his girlfriend for the annual Pumpkin fest. It was just that the pumpkins weren't just more numerous and larger, or more resistant to the rains and the fungus, they were alive and nothing could keep them tame or from spreading wider and wider. And everyone thought this was great at first, the profits were never higher but then weird things began to happen. Equipment went missing and two farm hands were crushed by a wagon full of pumpkins tipping over onto them in what was at first called a freak accident. Shaw recounted how he took his girlfriend through one of the patches and the vines seem to wind and grapple her legs, of course, Shaw's folks passed it off as her not being used to the mud but Shaw said he knew better.
Shaw continued to describe that over the days that led up to Halloween, the Jack O Lanterns on people's porches and elsewhere began to do some unusual things. Things like seemingly move by themselves from dusk to dawn, changing the carvings of their faces slightly, or appearing to “jump” off a table onto the porch without damage or apparent cause. On the morning of Halloween, Shaw said that he found his black cat, Lucky, incinerated in front of a jack o lantern as if it had breathed fire on to it from its mouth though they had long ago blown out the candle inside.
After the cat burning, the elderly man from the historical society tossed his spoon in his bowl. Shaw asked if something was wrong. The elderly man got up to leave and he said it tasted like bitter cold bull and his story was bull and thanked him for nothing. After checking the remaining contents of his bowl of stew, Shaw chased him out of the door, to his car, asking him what direction he planned to go home. When he peeled out of the parking lot he was headed southwest. Shaw came back in and threw up his hands.
I tell nothing but the truth, he said, most people can't handle it. Part of me wanted to go, but I was cozy there, it was warm and the story, while bull to me at the time, was entertaining enough. The SJW sitting down the way looked exhausted, barely keeping her eyes open as Shaw finished out the story. In short he said, Donnie approached him at dusk on Halloween while he and his family sat on the porch eagerly awaiting trick o treaters. Donnie said the Gerst Brothers are alive in the pumpkins and that they planned to burn the whole town down tonight. Donnie said, he had to tell Shaw because Shaw wasn't supposed to die, he was supposed to watch.
I rudely stopped him and demanded more stew. I was still hungry and the stew was somehow unsatisfying. When he returned, he finished the story, stating the town was suddenly engulfed in flames and their house in particular with Donnie on the porch, flash burned to the ground like napalm from an exploding pumpkin. He escaped with his family and his future wife in the pick up truck sitting outside now.
The college student said she felt like she needed to lay down, that she didn't think she could make back to the campus to the north. Shaw attended to getting her one of the rooms upstairs. I stayed down stairs and went to the back for more stew. I rubbed my eyes intensely and felt as if I too should stay for the night. But in the tug of war between fatigue and dexrine, the dexrine was slowly coming out ahead.
Next to the stew was a cutting board and a knife and on it was some bluish whitish powder which I found peculiar. On floor was a bottle of medication. It was Insomnex – a sleeping pill I use when I'm coming off of dexrine. The stew was dosed.
I ran to my truck and pulled out my dexrine and my revolver. As I climbed out of the driver's side, I could see Shaw running out of the dinner with a huge kitchen knife. I ducked under the trailer and back out on his side and pointed the gun at him.
What the hell I asked as I slowly advanced on him with my snub nose pointed at his head. He dropped the knife. He said, I just wanted to puncture your tires, I had to do something to stop you. I know you want to go north and I know you might be crazy enough and your truck tough enough to smash the barricades but I can't let you. I can't let anyone else go through, he said hysterically. I asked the dumb question about whether or not he set the barricades and just as I previously suspected, he did.
I'm supposed to watch, Shaw cried. No one can get through tonight, no can be allowed to. I told him to shut up as he rambled on about how he and his wife took it upon themselves to ward off travelers on Halloween Night. Its a cursed road tonight, he said, we're cursed to stay here and this is the best we can do to stop it from spreading. Its been calling us for 30 years, he went on, we tried to walk away but it kept on spreading, the pumpkins, he said gritting his teeth in anguish.
Maybe it was the dexrine and the insomnex working together, hell maybe it was the stew by itself but I just started to laugh as I guided Shaw back into the dinner and proceeded to duct tape him down to the dinner chair to make sure he could not cause anymore harm to anyone else until the police arrived. I had some cash on me, I wasn't a criminal, I wasn't going to make it seem like I tied him up and dinned and dashed, I was in the right, I was doing the lawful thing. So I left him exact change, no tip for the food. In the process of making change for myself, I found the padlock key in the cash drawer, I was certain of it at the time as I waved it in front of Shaw and he gasped and thrashed behind the duct tape the hardest.
I got into my truck and gunned it north towards the barricades, which, as I suspected was easily opened with the key I confiscated from Shaw. I got on my CB and started making emergency calls to the State Police, I gave them my name, the location of the diner, and Shaw's name. I was in the middle of nowhere so it didn't surprise me when I got static and no acknowledgment. I had no bars on my cell phone either but that is typical of central Illinois.
I was going along about 70. The sun was almost down but I hadn't seen the moon yet. I turned on the radio and found a classic rock station. The song was Born on the Bayou from CCR. The opening riff perked me up and reassured me that I had done everything all well and all good. If things held, there was a chance, I could get my freight unloaded and see John tonight. I was eagerly tapping the steering wheel waiting to bust into “When I was just a little boy...” But just as the lyrics should have entered, the radio station seemed to have accidentally reset the song, it just started over.
The sun faded away entirely and yet no moon came up. The sky was so dark but I didn't remember seeing any clouds or expecting any for that matter. The song continued restarting itself, the same opening again and again. I flipped through the other stations and all of them had it playing. Eventually, the digital clock on my dash began to spin wildly like the LCD numbers on the tuner while in scan mode. The truck buffeted and shook side to side despite my headlights showing no cause for it.
To my shock, ahead, in the distance was single traffic light. It was went from green, to yellow, and red, as any other traffic light but there were no lights or towns on this road. I slowed to 40, then 35 then to 30 as I entered an unnamed densely populated area with small buildings, stores, and houses and one traffic light. I came to a stop at the light and I looked around, locked my doors and tried to glimpse where I was. Where ever I was, I felt, I felt like I shouldn't be there. There were dim orange lights in some of the rooms of the houses at the edge of the intersection.
I looked up at one of the windows and I saw a figure with large head in the window. I couldn't believe my eyes at least not until the figure turned to face outward. It was a jack o lantern, a classic one with a black glow where the eyes, nose, and mouth sat. It was held up right by a thin vine structure that seemed to grow and stretch as it stuck its head out of the window and let out a barely audible shrill whistle and stared directly at me.
I gunned it. I blew the red light as the town seemed to collapse into nothing by dark green swelling pumpkin vine and a sea of glowing jack o lanterns in my side view mirrors. I hit the radio off because all I could hear on it was that whistle filtering through. I drove and the mass of jack o lanterns grew in the mirrors. I glimpsed the left and right windows and the plains were glowing black with more pumpkins rolling and creeping towards the road.
The road began to warp and bend as I started to red line my truck. The buffeting side to side became difficult to control as the engine groaned. I couldn't explain how the road began to shift nor how the moon, blood orange began to circle around me from horizon to horizon. Aside from the moon, I thought I was making progress as I couldn't see the vines nor the hundreds of blacklight pumpkins swirling after me.
The moon slowed and dipped down and I started climbing a hill. As I crested, the moon filled the entire windshield and more. It spun and then settled on a black light pumpkin face and bore down on the cab.
I don't know what happened next but I woke up in my cab. The was engine smoking. All I could see was mud and putrid rotten pumpkins as far as I could see. My Blue Jay was sunk up to the cab down in mud, vines and rot. It wasn't going anywhere in it without some serious assistance. To my right and left I saw dozens of other vehicles, most of them at least ten years old, also up their doors in mud and rot. Swarms of flies were visible all around in the boiling midday sun. I'm not really sure how long it has been or what time it really was because the clock on my phone is broken and simply reads as 99:99. I don't know what day it is. I have no cell signal and no radio.
Carly, I need to be honest with you. I cheated on you. Maybe a dozen times. I did it before I thought, before I knew you were doing it to me. I can't live by the rules of trucking, or marriage or anything. It is the road and you command it and that is the only rule. But now, I'm worried I've broken my last rule. I have no food and no water. There is no road here. There is only rule of a blazing sun with jack o lantern face that never sets. I fear that in time, unless I find help or help finds me, I will be feeding the pumpkins.
​
Theo Plesha