Hello 👋 ASD2 35YOF and I wanted to rant about corporate america and being in the spectrum.
Is it just me, or am I not wired for it? I’ve had great jobs my entire life with very well creditable employers making great money but I’m at an age where I’m tired of being in positions that don’t make sense.
What I mean by that is, as most of you may already know, most ALL of corporate American jobs don’t align with any idea/skill you have as an individual and there’s always a “corporate agenda” that sometimes doesn’t make sense. It’s gotten to the point where I’m over it, I feel like a mouse in a box running up and down mazes.
I started my own business 3 years ago and was extremely successful for being a first time SB owner. Now I’m finishing my BSN and plan to go mobile to branch my services after my license.
But am I the only person on the spectrum who feels this way? It always hit in my 20s but something about my 30s where it hits different. The way many things are being ran are not made for a person to create generational wealth and with favoritism/management who are “stuck following a corporate blueprint” rather than thinking outside of the box, can sometimes be frustrating. I don’t know I’m just over it. I’m also tired of masking for management. Especially in meetings.
I miss the job security but I don’t think I’ll ever want to go back after school. 😞

Okay so I haven't read evwrything about the alternate ending but here is what i can accept if it happens. Obligatory not the best grammar bc non native english speaker, also very tired Eren is not on paradis but inside the End Titan and fights the alliance. They are fighting a loosing battle and eren doesn't let loose. Sometimes it looks like their attempts from the manga are working but eren is just too strong. Levi still kills Zeke though. Some of the alliance die. Eren completes the 80% rumbling and (maybe like when armin snapped him out of his first transformation) eren starts realizing: wait.. I'm done?... he starts reflecting on what he did and how his anger did nothing but continue the circle of hatred. he remembers ramzi and thinks of everybody he has killed. He was no better than marley was. He has achieved what he strifed for, but the cost of his victory is outshined by the guilt he fears now. Eren lifts the titan curse off all eldians and frees Ymir. The Hallucigenia evaporates as everything that kept it alive was ymir clinging on to King Fritz's Memory. Eren is the father of Historias child and farmer-kun was just a ploy to keep optics. As it is born, historia names it ymir after her former lover(bc let's be honest, those two loved each other, whether they knew it or not), not knowing that the child is the reincarnation of the founder ymir. reborn to live a free live and experience compassion. Eren wakes up in the rubble of his destruction surrounded by the alliance. Armin and Mikasa are in shock at Eren's Crimes. The other Members of the Alliance capture Eren. Eren, Armin and Mikasa have a Conversation while Eren is incarcarated. Mikasa can't speak during this, because of her sadness. Armin won't thank him. He is angry and shouts at him while Eren can only sit there and accept that what he has done is wrong, he is broken. While Armin knows that Eren did what he did for the Freedom of Paradis, he still did the wrong thing. As Armin leaves crying, Mikasa, speaks to eren for the first time since he ended the rumbling. She tells him how angry, disgusted and horrified she is of him but also that for all this time and even now she still loves him. Not as a brother, not as family. Eren now finally realizing that, while all this time he felt the same thing but couldn't tell her in fear of pushing her away, with what he has done he has pushed her and everyone else who was dear to him farther than previously possible. He is alone now and wishes, he could have just lived out the rest of 13 years with Mikasa, even if it meant that paradis was going to be destroyed. Word reaches Paradis and Queen Historia is informed of the atrocities Eren committed. She is shocked, now that eren actually succeeded in completing the rumbling, and speaks to the population of paradis, that such acts of cruelty only perpeutuate the circle of hatred that has haunted this world for thousands of years. She declares that the survivors of the rumbling shall be granted refuge in paradis and shall be integrated into their society for as the paradisians had to live in fear because if marley, the entire outside world has lost loved ones, their homes and their nations aswell. The paradisians accept this begrudgingly at first but learn to live with it. The alliance and what is left of the worlds Militaries and ships, while not strong enough to attack paradis anymore but with support from paradis spends all of its efforts to resue the survivors of rhe rumbling and bring them to paradis. Upon seeing the destruction, the jaegerists have a change if hearts and join the efforts. Eren is set to be publicly executed. On the day of the execution Armin holds a speech. "He talks about how Hatred only sows more hatred, Eren being the result of hatred himself. And that with Hatred comes Injustice and Cruelty. What Eren did was cruel and unvorgivable and even though many Paradisians used to Support his cause, they did so because the level of cruelty, Eren's Actions entailed is impossible to grasp if it's not seen with their own eyes. He then says that Erens death marks the ending of a Time of Cruelty and Injustice and that he hopes that from now on the people of this world can live together in peace, without Lies and without Hatred" All the while Eren just looks sad and defeated. Armin takes a look back at the restrained Eren, tells him something like "you didn't have to make it end like this" and wirh tears suddenly streaming down his face promptly leaves the stage. the Execution is carried out by Levi. He tells Eren that he promised to cut him down, when he started to fall out of Line anyways. Eren's final words are something along the lines of "I am sorry" or "i was wrong". Levi decapitates Eren with a solemn tear running down his right cheek. Mikasa was not present during the execution, instead she was getting ready to move back to the mountains and live there. After this it takes some Time, maybe a few generations for feelings to calm down completely. with time more and more of the other land masses become habitable again and the population spreads out. in the end all races get mixed pretty soon and nations form again. Ultimately the world is in relative peace and Erens actions remain a warning sign for what hatred leads to.
After that maybe a shot of A kid Eren waking up in a different timeline in chapter 1 of the manga. With vague memories of what happened leading uo to his death. Now comes all that timey whimey stuff that connects the alternate ending of the anime to the manga. When he touches Historia's hand he ultimately become a slave to his fate but in realizing that he never was free becomes completely unresponsive as he becomes the end titan and acts on autopilot, thinking whatever he does cannot change his future. In doing so he changes his future to be killed by mikasa. since world peace was reached after eren's death, he cannot remember it and doesn't know that his current actions lead to a militarized paradis in the future. idk
ok what do you think? please be honest. this is basically what u think would be a good way to salvage the ending.
Edit: Tl:dr: Eren snaps out of it at the end instead of being killed. Paradis takes in all refugees and eren gets publicly executed by levi. afterwards after some time world peace

Final part in the series about the mirroring act between the three Aen Elle elves & their Continental counterparts. Previous works: Black Knights: Parallels Between Eredin & Cahir Love(less) Sorcerers: Parallels Between Avallac'h & Vilgefortz
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“Emperors rule their empires, but two things they cannot rule: their hearts and their time. Those two things belong to the empire.”
“The end justifies the means.”
Leaders of the highest order for their people, both rulers pursue the greater good at the expense of decency and their own humanity. A greater good to be achieved through similar means – by begetting the child who is prophesised.

Intent

In the Witcher, both Auberon and Emhyr are embroiled in a plot of siring the child of prophecy with Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon – their blood relative. Genetically, the incest is a matter of degree: Emhyr is Ciri’s biological father, Auberon Ciri’s ancestor 8 generations past. Symbolically, however, the degree collapses with Auberon because a few human generations are meaningless to elves. They call Ciri Lara’s daughter, effectively deeming Ciri Auberon’s granddaughter. But the reader – not unlike Ciri herself – won’t know about this until the very end of the tale.
Notionally, both rulers bind their actions with Ithlinne’s prophecy. The problem with prophecies is they decouple arguments from verification, lending themselves to the rationalization of all and any action. At least insofar as knowing the future accurately is impossible. This is the case for humanity, it is not the case for elves. Elven prophecies were made by the elves and for the elves in the first place. Consequently, the degree to which each ruler knows the prophecy to be true and believes in it differs. For Emhyr, mystical secret knowledge of the universe is irrelevant in comparison to political expedience: reason of state is what the tomorrow will bring. The Nilfgaardian Emperor is neither a mystic nor a fatalist. Contrary to the Alder King – a Sage, a ruler, and an elder – who has witnessed and likely verified some of what the Seers have prophesised. Elves conceive of the nature of time as cyclical in which the fate of things is tied up in the endless repetition of endings giving birth to new beginnings, the dance of attraction between life and death, two sides of the same coin which form the singular eternal truth of existence – change is only an eternal reoccurrence and re-arrangement of all. Auberon, you see, is a bit of a mystic. And even without Seers privy to secret knowledge, an extraordinary life span reduces the elves’ proclivity to black swan fallacy, or at least pushes the error probabilities. But at the end of the day, mysticism takes the cake.
The idea that either ruler must be the progenitor, however, comes at the instigation of an outside force.
Shortly after Ciri’s birth Emhyr is visited by a sorcerer. Emhyr has a strong aversion to mages; he was cursed by one. Even so, Vilgefortz proves himself capable of helping him regain the Nilfgaardian throne and is straightforward about what he wishes in exchange – gratitude, favours, privileges, power. Vilgefortz tells Emhyr about Ithlinne’s prophecy – a version about the fate of the world; a human interpretation. Then he plants the seed as to what Emhyr should do to steer the fate of this world. Naturally, he has his own agenda. It is not a huge leap of imagination to conceive of Auberon having been similarly persuaded by Avallac’h (an elven Knowing One who thematically parallels the human Vilgefortz). Not only are Avallac’h and Auberon tied by broken familial bonds, they are each a participant of the Elder Blood programme; and each, a Sage. Avallac’h serves nearly as a double for Auberon, his own fate also tied with Ciri’s. And Auberon is a “willing unwilling” in his arrangement with Ciri; implied so in his rage when he reveals Ciri ought to be grateful to him for lowering himself to the endeavour at all. There is an alternative.
Neither the Emperor nor the Alder King is pursuing the incestuous course of action out of lust. But both have the option to waive being the sire. Ithlinne’s prophecy is not explicit about the father of the Swallow’s child. For elves the match is backed by science. For humanity – pragmatism.
Emhyr has ordered to wipe out the Usurper’s name from the annals of history and is cementing his earthly power, conquering and ensuring the succession laws play out in his favour. Not only is he legitimatizing his rule over Cintra – the gateway to the North – by marrying its last monarch’s granddaughter, by keeping it in the family, he is also consolidating his rule among the Nilfgaardian aristocracy. The Emperor’s concern lies with the dynastic struggle for power: it is his blood that should rule the world and because history is bending its arc according to Nilfgaard’s dictation that means surmounting the Nilfgaardian succession laws. From such perspective, not fathering Ciri’s child would create numerous problems. Ciri as Emhyr’s heir would remain behind any other male offspring he might have (with any Nilfgaardian aristocrat). Ciri might not be acknowledged as a legitimate successor in Nilfgaard in the first place as she is a foreigner, born in Cintra at a time when her father was not yet an emperor; a bastard, effectively, and a girl besides. Ciri’s husband, moreover, may have designs on power himself and his remaining under Emhyr’s control, or Ciri’s control, is not a guarantee. It is difficult to be the correctly-shaped chess piece in a game of interests of the state. That a widely recited prophecy about the fate of the world can lend an aura of destiny to the brutal political machinations undertaken to seek retribution and pursue earthly power is convenient; a descendant who will be the ruler of the world – a bonus. But to get there sacrifices must be made.

‘Cirilla,’ continued the emperor, ‘will be happy, like most of the queens I was talking about. It will come with time. Cirilla will transfer the love that I do not demand at all onto the son I will beget with her. An archduke, and later an emperor. An emperor who will beget a son. A son, who will be the ruler of the world and will save the world from destruction. Thus speaks the prophecy whose exact contents only I know.’ ’What I am doing, I am doing for posterity. To save the world.’ - Lady of the Lake

Notably, the manner in which the Emperor claims to understand Ithlinne’s prophecy does not make guarantees that a father’s incest with his daughter will ensure his progeny will one day save the world. The saviour is a few generations away and the causal arrow between now and then is not direct: the son could die, could father a child with a genetically non-fitting partner, could be sterile, or could turn out to be a daughter altogether. Not to even begin with what the world needs saving from in the first place; again, elven prophecies were written by the elves and for the elves. Emhyr var Emreis is neither an elf, a geneticist, an idealist nor a mystic. He is an autocrat.
Elder Blood is the creation of elves and it is elves who understand how their genetic abilities play into handling what was foretold by Ithlinne. Emhyr’s daughter, the Lady of Time and Space, is the descendant of an Alder King who has utilized Hen Ichaer in the past and whose ambitions lie in an altogether different ball park than that of an Emperor of one single world. Appropriately to the Saga’s love for subversion, it is ironic that human understanding of elven prophecies remains on the level of poetry, while elves – the irritatingly poetic, mystical species – can read the science elevating the prophetic jargon into something more. Which regardless does not invalidate the problem with prophecies: they lend themselves to the rationalization of action, frequently covering up the real horses the powerful might have in the race. Legitimatization of the ruler’s right to remain the leader of their people is relevant in Auberon’s life too. More on that when we return to the Fisher King parable and the nature of curses upon the two rulers.

Role & Relationships

Let’s take a look at the characters’ personalities.
Appearance: a play of contrasts
A very tall, slender elf with long fingers and ashen hair shot with snow-white streaks. An elf with the most extraordinary eyes – as on all Elder Blood carriers – reminiscent of molten lead. A man with black, shiny, wavy hair bordering an angular, masculine face that is dominated by a prominent nose (hooked, presumably, or Roman if you like). The Emperor of Nilfgaard does not resemble an androgynous elf by any means. But this does not mean nothing remains in him of the elven gene pool. Not only does Emhyr’s etymological origin link with the Romano-Celtic world underpinning all things elven in the Witcher. Nilfgaardians are effectively the Romano-Brytons. The human population in the South of the Continent mixed with elves heavily, retaining a lot of elven law, customs, language, and DNA. As Avallac’h says about heritability, “the father matters,” and Emhyr was one half of the equation for getting Ciri.
Rex Regum - King of Kings
The readers are probably more familiar with the imperial system and how that features in the depiction of Nilfgaard. Auberon Muircetach’s position as the Supreme Leader of the Aen Elle – as opposed to merely a “king” – is instead much more reminiscent of the station of a High King.
Ancient and early kingdoms of Great Britain and Ireland boast many High Kings (e.g. Ard Rí Érenn Brian Boru, Ard Rí Alban Macbeth, Vortigern, King of the Britons, etc). The High King was usually elected and set above lesser rulers and warlords as an overlord in a land that shared a high degree of cultural unity. Emperors usually ruled over culturally different lands (regularly obtained through recent or ongoing conquests). In character such high kingship was sacred: the duties of the ruler were largely ceremonial and somewhat restricted, unless war, natural disaster or any other realm-wide occasion created a need for a unified command structure. The Irish High King, for example, was quite straightforwardly a ruler who laid claim to all of the land of the Emerald Isle. Noteworthy, because the ruler is frequently seen as the embodiment of the land, associated with the health and well-being of the realm that the land sustains. In quasi-religious terms, High Kings gained their power through a marriage to, or sexual relationship with, a sovereignty goddess; frequently, a mother goddess who was associated with the life-giving land. As one of the most frequently studied elements of the Celtic cosmology, this feature is instantly recognisable in the outlook of the elves in the Witcher and factors heavily into Auberon’s relationship with Ciri. Ciri who is the avatar of the Triple Goddess – the Virgin, the Pregnant Mother, and the Old Woman Death. As Sapkowski notes in Swiat króla Artura. Maladie:

“…no Wiccan mystery in honour of the Great Triple, cannot be performed, [without] the goblet and the sword. Grail and Excalibur. The rest is silence.”

Through the Triple Goddess’ interaction with her God-counterpart (a ruler who briefly assumes the role of the god) is showcased the eternal cycle of life – one which cannot be realised without the interaction of the cup (feminine) & the sword (male). Excalibur is the symbol of rightful sovereignty and its wielders are frequently powerful men, but Ciri is a woman and a woman is the Grail, bringing salvation and new life. To possess the Grail is to legitimize oneself as the ruler, as the leader, protector, and father figure of the realm. Thus a King of Kings must do exactly that. A protector, a father figure, and a druid (wise man) merge into a symbolic whole in the Supreme Leader of the elves.
(But Ciri is also the witcher girl and owns a sword, unyielding before the matter of her gender. And though many a men might take her for the Lady of the Lake, she is not about to part with her sword.)
The realm is all
From early age, Emhyr’s father instilled an understanding in his heir that nothing counts more than the interest of the state. The blood of the Emreis family must be on the throne. Fergus never abdicated, not after torture, not even after his son was turned into a mutant hedgehog in front of his eyes. Love for his child did not sway Fergus from having his son suffer in the interests of power and the realm. This is how the shard of ice in Emhyr’s heart forms. Auberon, equally, “thinks of England” when attempting to regain his daughter’s legacy and restore their people’s power. The circumstances of Lara’s demise, however, beg the question about the Alder King’s role in facilitating or enabling the conditions that let things spiral out of control and break beyond repair. The stakes were infinitely higher for Auberon than they are for Emreis’ dynastic struggle. But what would an answer to this question change? In their cold hearts these characters see themselves each as duty-bound.
Ambitious and gloried, they nevertheless occupy different stages in their lives.
Emhyr’s ambition burns bright and fresh. Auberon’s has dwindled into a shadow of the past; buried under having witnessed and lived through the sacrifices that a ruler makes in the name of power. Emhyr chooses to seek retribution and power beyond what would befall him should he accept his life as Duny (the cursed, pitiful Duny), the prince consort of Cintra. Never losing sight of his goal, love and human happiness become temporary phases and means to an end, and Emhyr returns to Cintra only in the form of flames and death to pursue his daughter in insane ambition. The White Flame retains an active disposition; a lust for life. Neither Emhyr nor Auberon gallop at the head of their armies though, leading instead from the rear. They have lackeys for carrying out their will remotely (e.g. Cahir and Eredin). Emhyr, however, is said to be otherwise highly involved in the ruling of his empire, even if many revolutionaries who had helped him on the throne had hoped he would remain but a banner of the revolution. In contrast, the Alder King has more or less withdrawn from life and active service. In presence of Avallac’h and Eredin, Auberon appears much more like the standard Emhyr had refused to become. Of course, many decisions the equivalent of which Auberon has already made are still ahead of Emhyr, including as concerns the freedom of his daughter.
A ruler’s heart
Did Emhyr believe that he would be able to see Pavetta in Ciri and thus push through with the incest? Did Auberon hope to glance the memory of his wife in the eyes of Lara’s “daughter” and manage in this way? As already noted, neither ruler is pursuing their plans out of lust, but as lust must be induced for the act to bear fruit I cannot help but wonder what these characters must do to themselves to follow through with their plans. Because the love that is called for between a woman and a man in order for new life and hope to be born is in this instance abnormal. Yet it is undoubtedly love that plays a huge role in determining both Emhyr’s and Auberon’s eventual fate.
Until the emergence of false-Ciri, Emhyr var Emreis is said to have had numerous ladies in the imperial court. Little is known about Auberon’s disposition, but by the time Ciri starts frequenting his bed chamber it has become evident the image of a dowager king fits the elf like a glove; disaffected with romantic dalliance, he is still aware of the courtly intrigue and expectations surrounding it.

The next evening, for the first time, the Alder King betrayed his impatience. She found him hunched over the table where a looking glass framed in amber was lying. White powder had been sprinkled on it. It’s beginning, she thought. … At one moment Ciri was certain it was about to happen. But it didn’t. At least not all the way. And once again he became impatient. He stood up and threw a sable fur over his shoulders. He stood like that, turned away, staring at the window and the moon. - Lady of the Lake

Emhyr’s marriage to Pavetta, Ciri’s mother, was an unhappy one. In his own words, he did not love “the melancholy wench with her permanently lowered eyes,” and eventually would have had the vigilant Pavetta killed. Inadvertently, Emhyr caused Pavetta’s death anyway.

‘I wonder how a man feels after murdering his wife,’ the Witcher said coldly. ‘Lousy,’ replied Emhyr without delay. ‘I felt and I feel lousy and bloody shabby. Even the fact that I never loved her doesn’t change that. The end justifies the means, yet I sincerely do regret her death. I didn’t want it or plan it. Pavetta died by accident.’ ‘You’re lying,’ Geralt said dryly, ‘and that doesn’t befit an emperor. Pavetta could not live. She had unmasked you. And would never have let you do what you wanted to do to Ciri.’ ‘She would have lived,’ Emhyr retorted. ‘Somewhere … far away. There are enough castles … Darn Rowan, for instance. I couldn’t have killed her.’ ‘Even for an end that was justified by the means?’ ‘One can always find a less drastic means.’ The emperor wiped his face. ‘There are always plenty of them.’ ‘Not always,’ said the Witcher, looking him in the eyes. Emhyr avoided his gaze. ‘That’s exactly what I thought,’ Geralt said, nodding. - Lady of the Lake

After Pavetta’s demise Emhyr hounds his own daughter to the ends of the earth, killing her grandmother, burning down her home, and driving Ciri into an exile from which she never fully recovers. An exile which kills the innocence in her; the snow-white streaks in Ciri’s hair are from the trauma. In contrast, Auberon does not seem to even know what became of Shiadhal – his partner and the mother of their daughter together. On the verge of death he confuses Ciri for Shiadhal and says, “I am glad you are here. You know, they told me you had died.” The Alder King recalls Shiadhal affectionately, in the same loving breath as he recalls their daughter Lara. Lara whose exile – voluntary or not – killed her.
When Ciri was six years old, Emhyr took a lock of hair from her and held onto it; out of sentiment and for his court sorcerers to use. One of Auberon’s last lines to Ciri involves tying a loose ribbon back into Lara’s hair.
In regard to their brides-to-be, both rulers are saddled with fakes. A fake Ciri-Pavetta and a fake Shiadhal-Lara. But Emhyr’s and Auberon’s attitude toward the fake is diametrically opposite. Emhyr sees false-Cirilla as “a diamond in the rough.” Auberon calls Ciri “a pearl in pig shit, a diamond on the finger of a rotting corpse.” For Emhyr, a diamond is the essence of his poor peasant girl. While a pearl in pig shit, for Auberon, remains the essence of Ciri. Neither ruler can entirely ignore the social vigilance extended toward the ruler’s bedchamber either. The idea of a “foreign bride” is frowned upon among the Nilfgaardian aristocracy; it decreases their ability to influence the Emperor. Ciri’s social status at Tir ná Lia is never explicitly addressed, but the presence of human servants – all of whom that the reader sees are female – and casual xenophobia from Auberon himself does not make it hard to venture a guess.

‘If I were … the real Cirilla … the emperor would look more favourably on me. But I’m only a counterfeit. A poor imitation. A double, not worthy of anything. Nothing …’ - False-Cirilla Lady of the Lake
‘It’s all my fault,’ she mumbled. ‘That scar blights me, I know. I know what you see when you look at me. There’s not much elf left in me. A gold nugget in a pile of compost—’ - Ciri Lady of the Lake

The Alder King is unable to bring himself to love Ciri. The Emperor relents, caring for his daughter at last as a father should at the very end, in the one moment where it matters. Moreover, Emhyr ends up eventually marrying his own reason of state and comes to love the false-Cirilla. The contrasts do not end here. Real Ciri threatens to tear Emhyr’s throat out for what he is planning to do to her (unknowing that he is her father), yet with Auberon Ciri turns submissive and grows attached. She weeps over Auberon’s corpse and vows vengeance on Eredin for killing the Alder King. Ironic as Auberon never intended to let Ciri go, while Emhyr does let his daughter walk free. The shard in Auberon’s heart never melts. It shifts in Emhyr’s.
In their last meeting with the girl, both rulers implicitly reveal their blood relation to Ciri.

Cursed Rulers of the World

Emhyr’s tale begins and is framed with a curse. Likewise Auberon’s. And for both it is love in its different manifestations that will shift the curse just enough to offer closure. For healing largely entails obtaining closure.

‘They were silent for a long time. The scent of spring suddenly made them feel light-headed. Both of them. ‘In spite of appearances,’ Emhyr finally said dully, ‘being empress is not an easy job. I don’t know if I’ll be able to love you.’ She nodded to show she also knew. He saw a tear on her cheek. Just like in Stygga Castle, he felt the tiny shard of cold glass lodged in his heart shift.’ - Lady of the Lake

The reference to H. C. Andersen’s fairy tale of the Snow Queen is self-evident. Emhyr var Emreis is an Emperor whose heart has been pierced by a shard of ice. In the Saga the legend is elven and refers to the Winter Queen who conducts a Wild Hunt as she travels the land, casting hard, sharp, tiny shards of ice around her. Whose eye or heart is pierced by one of them is lost; they will abandon everything and will set off after the Queen, the one who wounded them so gravely as to become the sole aim and end of their life.
There are two ways in which to interpret the way Sapkowski applies the legend of the Snow Queen in the Saga. First, as a complement to the author’s stance that in life - where most things are shit - the Holy Grail is a woman, because it is the love of a woman and the hope a woman instils that often makes men act in inconceivable ways; love is the great motivator and the great balancer of scales. Almost as powerful as death. Or more so?

‘I would not like to put forward the theory that hunting for the wild pig was the primordial example of the search for the Grail. I don’t want to be so trivial. I will - after Parnicki and Dante - identify the Grail with the real goal of the great effort of mythical heroes. I prefer to identify the Grail with Olwen, from under whose feet, as she walked, white clovers grew. I prefer to identify the Grail with Lydia, who was loved by Parry. I like New York in June… How about you? Because I think the Grail is a woman. It is worth investing a lot of time and effort in order to find it and gain it, to understand it. And that’s the moral.’ - A. Sapkowski Swiat króla Artura. Maladie

In this reading, we find the framing to the stories of Geralt and Yennefer, Lara and Cregennan, Avallac’h and Lara, and many others. Including the story of Ciri herself – for Ciri is ultimately the author’s Grail in more ways than one. More than one party goes to great lengths to solicit her favour in a guise that includes elements of a love relationship but not the heart of it.
Secondly, we can interpret the legend in universal terms: the shard of ice is the definitive experience of our lives which distorts reality and makes the rest of our lives spin around it in one way or another. For Emhyr, such an experience could have been the trauma experienced in his youth. Fergus’ uncompromising death conditioned the boy early on to sacrifice personal feelings to the cause and let the only true feeling in his heart remain forever locked behind the ends a ruler must go to unthinkable lengths to achieve. Fergus did not deem his son above suffering for a cause and the son learned the lesson. Until…
In Andersen’s Snow Queen, Gerda manages to find her brother Kai in the Snow Queen’s castle, but despite her calls his heart remains cold as ice. Only when Gerda cries in despair do her tears finally melt the ice and remove the piece of glass from Kai’s eyes and heart. In the Witcher, the shard in Emhyr’s heart moves first upon witnessing his true daughter’s angry tears. For the second time – in thanks to the bogus princess of Cintra; his poor raison d’etat.
It brings us to the defining contrast in Emhyr’s and Auberon’s stories, and it concerns alleviating the suffering of those are bound to you by blood or love.
Recalling another case of incest that resulted in Adda the strigga, we may remember that the Temerian king recognises that his daughter is suffering and insists on disenchanting her instead of killing her. Realising that your own blood – who has been thrown into this world of suffering thanks to you – is suffering and consequently choosing to do something to alleviate this suffering fortifies the Saga’s faith in enduring human decency. Geralt himself is thoroughly vexed by the prospect of letting the same evil happen to Ciri that happened to himself and does everything within his power to prevent it (failing, trying anyway). Here lives the redemption of man, and in redemption his rebirth.

‘They passed a pond, empty and melancholy. The ancient carp released by Emperor Torres had died two days earlier. “I’ll release a new, young, strong, beautiful specimen,” thought Emhyr var Emreis, “I’ll order a medal with my likeness and the date to be attached to it. Vaesse deireadh aep eigean. Something has ended, something is beginning. It’s a new era. New times. A new life. So let there be a new carp too, dammit.”’ - Lady of the Lake

As Emhyr and false-Cirilla take a stroll in the gardens after Stygga, they pass a sculpture of a pelican pecking open its own breast to feed its young on its blood. An allegory of noble sacrifice and also of great love – as False-Ciri tells us.

‘Do you think—’ he turned her to face him and pursed his lips ‘—that a torn-open breast hurts less because of that?’ ‘I don’t know …’ she stammered. ‘Your Imperial Majesty … I …’ He took hold of her hand. He felt her shudder; the shudder ran along his hand, arm and shoulder. ‘My father,’ he said, ‘was a great ruler, but never had a head for legends or myths, never had time for them. And always mixed them up. Whenever he brought me here, to the park, I remember it like yesterday, he always said that the sculpture shows a pelican rising from its ashes.’ - Lady of the Lake

It is difficult to set aside our trauma and not pass it on to our children. Letting our children be free to choose and not sacrificing them on the altar of our fate is to rip open ourselves, calcified and bound to our path, and to feel all of it as we grope in the dark to feel for them. Emhyr’s father might not have gotten it entirely wrong, though his mind at the time was set on making his child an extension of himself. The cycle of death and rebirth begins and ends within that to which we give birth. Giving our children a chance before it is too late, we also give a chance to ourselves. By finding it in his heart to extend to his daughter the courtesy his father Fergus never extended to him - by letting Ciri free - Emhyr lets the part of himself that has defined his entire life die. His end stops justifying the means. He breaks the cycle on the edge of the precipice to which he has brought them and thus allows for the possibility of new beginnings for himself and for Ciri.
In a sense, False-Cirilla and Emhyr get the ending Ciri and Auberon might have gotten if –
If.
The story of Auberon Muircetach achieves a fundamentally different resolution.

‘What does the spear with the bloody blade mean? Why does the King with the lanced thigh suffer and what does it mean? What is the meaning of the maiden in white carrying a grail, a silver bowl—?’ - Galahad Lady of the Lake

Galahad asks the questions that the innocent Perceval in his Story of the Grail failed to ask, thus losing his chance at freeing the Fisher King from his curse. And the Fisher King is the guardian of mysteries, among them the Holy Grail. But it is not because of gain that a chivalric knight with a shining sword should seek to free the Fisher King from his curse, but rather because it is a human thing to do. Sapkowski claims to be partial to Wolfram von Eschenbach’s rendition of the Grail myth in Parsifal. Wolfram’s message, according to Sapkowski, is the following:

‘Let’s not wait for the revelation and the command that comes from above, let’s not wait for any Deus vult. Let’s look for the grail in ourselves. Because the Grail is nobility, it is the love of a neighbor, it is an ability for compassion. Real chivalric ideals, towards which it is worth looking for the right path, cutting through the wild forest, where, as they quote, “there is no road, no path”. Everyone has to find their path on their own. But it is not true that there is only one path. There are many of them. Infinitely many. … Being human is important. Heart.’ ‘I prefer the humanism of Wolfram von Eschenbach and Terry Gilliam from the idiosyncrasies of bitter Cistercian scribes and Bernard of Clairvaux…’ - A. Sapkowski Swiat króla Artura: Maladie

The unimaginable sadness in Auberon’s eyes belies the suffering of the Alder King who is the avatar of the Fisher King. In the Witcher’s story between elves and humans, it is the elven males who all share aspects of the Fisher King’s fate, because they are the keepers of their Grail – the protectors of elven women. Auberon’s wound is wrought by time: by surviving his wife and daughter, by the witnessing of the fading of his ambitions and the results of pursuing them without success. He has lost his line. The Fisher King’s injury represents the inability to produce an heir. A ruler who is the protector and physical embodiment of his land, yet remains barren, sterile, or without a true-born successor, bodes ill for the realm. The Alder King’s injury consists in having lost control of the source of his people’s power, leaving the elves imprisoned and scattered across two worlds. Auberon’s personal tragedy, however, subsists in the lost power having been functionally manifest in a daughter.

‘Lara.’ The Alder King moved his head, and touched his neck as though his royal torc’h was garrotting him. ‘Caemm a me, luned. Come to me, daughter. Caemm a me, elaine.’ Ciri sensed death in his breath. - Lady of the Lake

Elder Blood is indeed an accursed blood because it enslaves its carriers to its purpose. Emhyr has a theoretical chance to walk away from the pursuit of earthly power; the construct is social. Elder Blood, however, has a particular and real, magical function, and in virtue of being a genetic mutation it is embedded in the gene-carrying individuals. Functionally, Elder Blood allows to shape fate with degrees of freedom unimaginable for an ordinary individual. It’s a difference comparable to the one between a character in a story and the story’s author. Therefore the Aen Saevherne – the carriers of the gene – are bound to the thing they carry within their DNA that allows them to a greater and lesser degree shape the fate of reality. However dearly Auberon, or Lara, might have ever wished to untie themselves from their own essence, it seems impossible. The loss of control over power then is quite simply so pivotal as to necessitate a moment of original sin.
As already witnessed by way of the legend of the Winter Queen, the original “myths” of the Witcher world usually originate among elves; humans, the interlopers, push themselves into those myths only later. This creates an interesting conundrum. In Parsifal, the Fisher King is injured as punishment for taking a wife who is not meant for him. A Grail keeper is to marry the woman the Grail determines for him, which – if we equate woman with the Grail – is what the woman determines. Unfortunately, we know nothing about Shiadhal, so we cannot verify if this part of the legend dovetails. But generally, in a wholly elven world which may have matriarchal tendencies, in lieu of worshipping the mother Goddess, such cosmology is relatively unproblematic. Except suddenly there are humans too. And Auberon – the highest leader of elves and the father of the new scion of Elder Blood – is indirectly injured because a human sorcerer – Cregennan – turns himself into a Grail keeper (in place of another, special elf) by taking a woman not meant for him.

‘Witcher,’ she whispered, kissing his cheek, ‘there’s no romance in you. And I… I like elven legends, they are so captivating. What a pity humans don’t have any legends like that. Perhaps one day they will? Perhaps they’ll create some? But what would human legends deal with? All around, wherever one looks, there’s greyness and dullness. Even things which begin beautifully lead swiftly to boredom and dreariness, to that human ritual, that wearisome rhythm called life.’ - Yennefer Sword of Destiny

Cregennan’s injury is to die. But what about the original Fisher King figure? What is Auberon’s original sin in this?
I see two possibilities. It could be that Auberon in his ambition hastened his daughter’s way into exile and, in a display of his displeasure, never made any effort to ease his daughter in to the personal sacrifices they, as Aen Saevherne, must make; walking without blinking to the end of the path Emhyr turned away from. It could equally be that Auberon, instead of locking Lara up in a tower to protect her from the folly of youth, let her go to Cregennan. It could be an amalgam of both, and the misjudgement of a father who allows freedom, who feels for his child, and is rewarded with an irreversible injury is probably the greater tragedy.
Because, regardless of the origin of the curse upon Auberon, one thing does not change – the icy eternity in the Alder King’s heart never fractures.

‘‘Zireael,’ he said. ‘Loc’hlaith. You are indeed destiny, O Lady of the Lake. Mine too, as it transpires.’ - Auberon Lady of the Lake

Ciri passes through the shadow world of the Alders; a manifestation of fate. Her footsteps sowing discord and movement and change into the immutable, time-locked amber of the elven utopia. Her presence providing the trigger that will unshackle the past from future in a world where for a long time nothing has changed, died, or been reborn. She is destined and destiny, annihilation and rebirth, the grain of sand in the gears of the great mechanism; a strange girl. The child of hope and the Goddess who ought to be Three. Lara, the true daughter of the Alder King, is dead. Emhyr’s daughter still lives. There is nothing Auberon can do for Lara anymore and thus the ice in Auberon’s heart has crystallised. Emhyr still has a chance; he is where Auberon once was. And yet, there is one thing Ciri, the witcher girl with a sword of her own, can still do for the Alder King.

‘Va’esse deireadh aep eigean… But,’ he finished with a sigh, ‘it’s good that something is beginning.’ They heard a long-drawn-out peal of thunder outside the window. The storm was still far away. But it was approaching fast. ‘In spite of everything,’ he said, ‘I very much don’t want to die, Zireael. And I’m so sorry that I must. Who’d have thought it? I thought I wouldn’t regret it. I’ve lived long, I’ve experienced everything. I’ve become bored with everything … but nonetheless I feel regret. And do you know what else? Come closer. I’ll tell you in confidence. Let it be our secret.’ She bent forward. ‘I’m afraid,’ he whispered. ‘I know.’ ‘Are you with me?’ ‘Yes, I am.’ - Auberon Lady of the Lake

The only way Ciri the Grail knight will be able to find her true self – the Grail – is to cure the suffering Alder King from his curse. Ciri’s presence in the world of the Alders is after all also part of her coming of age story. Through becoming Auberon’s destiny, Ciri must close the circle for him and bring closure. He would never let her go because the shard in Auberon’s heart is no longer able to melt. Auberon does not follow the motif of alleviating the suffering of one’s blood and/or love; and he dies. The roles are reversed, in fact. It is Ciri who realises Auberon is suffering. So Ciri must do what only she can do, because remaining human is important. Heart is important. The sacrifice a ruler makes on the altar of power includes his own heart, which is why there should never be only one, but always two; always.

‘Time is like the ancient Ouroboros. Time is fleeting moments, grains of sand passing through an hourglass. Time is the moments and events we so readily try to measure. But the ancient Ouroboros reminds us that in every moment, in every instant, in every event, is hidden the past, the present and the future. Eternity is hidden in every moment. Every departure is at once a return, every farewell is a greeting, every return is a parting. Everything is simultaneously a beginning and an end. ‘And you too,’ he said, not looking at her at all, ‘are at once the beginning and the end. And because we are discussing destiny, know that it is precisely your destiny. To be the beginning and the end. Do you understand?’ She hesitated for a moment. But his glowing eyes forced her to answer. ‘I do.’ - Lady of the Lake

Death Crone to Auberon Muircetach, Ciri never becomes the Mother Goddess in the Saga. It is a choice she must make for herself and the choice still lies ahead of her. The predicate to making such a choice at least for now, however, she achieves; she goes her own way. In a sense then, both rulers are father figures, who through their choices “beget” the child who is destined. Perhaps this too the Knowing Ones knew, and for this reason Auberon never could have budged, never could have changed his mind in regard to his purpose in the long and winding story of his life. Something is ending, but something is also beginning. A good ruler is responsible for the flourishing of their realm, for providing hope. It is Ciri’s role to be the beginning and the end, and though there might be ways in which to nudge the hand of Fate, whatever is destined must happen. Destiny, however accursed, must run its course.
That is the hope and the release.

Hi, im currently 15 years old as of writing this and
I've become a complete fucking failure ever since the Lockdown and Covid happened, I constantly wake up just to use my phone and open some random app and waste time staring at that screen for an hour or two before actually getting up, ADHD has been a complete pain in the ass in terms of paying attention to important things and focusing in education, Every routine or really being consistent in anything has failed, I stopped going to school in person in January due to mental health reasons and all ive been doing since then is just being chronically online doing nothing but staring at a screen all day then going to bed on repeat, My parents and family are absolutely awful we never go anywhere, my father is paranoid over covid and refuses to let us go out anywhere, even refuses to let me go to SCHOOL over it (which is a reason why i havent gone back) thinks im some psychopath and ill 'kill a teacher' or some other bullshit based on some news article about a CLEARLY FUCKING INSANE 15 YEAR OLD who happened to be AUTISTIC murdering their teacher and thinks ohh you have anger problems youd do the same you dont belong in school, and my mom is just as awful too, life has been stagnant for 3 whole years now and it's going downhill day by day, I absolutely hate how i look, im currently 210lb and 6'1 of course (thank god) im not extremely obese, I have an awful beard, An extremely awful looking afro, i have no sense of style in what i wear all i do is wear some baggy sweatpants and a tshirt and go about my day, Everytime i try anything some kind of routine i forget about it and fall back into the loop of waking up and doing nothing except for staring at this godforsaken screen of a laptop, Its been like this since 2020 and i dont see any way out of this ive tried everything, i've tried improving myself, i've tried self discipline, dopamine detoxing, working out alot, all to fall back to where i was and fail, At this point i'm just tired of life in general even when i know it's my responsibility to turn things around and improve im too fucking lazy to do anything and i hate it, thank you for reading this.

This is gonna be a little long. Please don’t judge me. I just need genuine advice.
Me (f27) and my boyfriend (M29) have been together for over a year now.
To give you a background, it started in 2021 around november, we both met through mutual friend and fell in love. Since he lived in a different country and had to fly back to his place of work, we decided to pursue the connection and see where it goes.
Fast forward to Feb 2022, it was going pretty amazing, i was showered with love, care and everything that a woman would dream of in a relationship. We made it official.
Things were great until November 2022, i started to notice that he was a little more busy than usual. He stopped picking calls and slowly slowly, he stopped talking to me altogether. From end of November 2022 to mid jan 2023 the contact was close to zero. However, upon a lot of pursuance he did open up and told me about a lot of things which then fixed things between us. I understood him. I understood his pain and where he was coming from. I accepted and just let things be. He was supposed to fly in to our home country in February after getting some leaves from his work. Since we started talking I kept my cool and wished that when we do meet it would get better. Days went by, feb came around. I waited and I had a faint idea that he was supposed to be here around 26th-28th feb. He didn’t confirm the dates, saying he would let me know. We did talk in general but nothing about coming here was said. I kept waiting, preparing. But no word from him. He started ignoring again.
For 2 weeks this ordeal continued and finally one day after again pursuing him telling him that i knew he is here, he confessed and said there’s family stuff and a lot happening.
Now here’s the thing, he said he would meet me this weekend, nothing happened. He still was occupied. I am just tired. Now i have stopped caring or asking, because honestly i am done and I know he is just giving reasons. We had planned on taking the next step when he visits here, like meeting family and planning marriage. But he is not even ready to meet. I am not sure what to ask, but if anyone can understand why he is doing so ? Or what I should do? Please advice.

This is gonna be a little long. Please don’t judge me. I just need genuine advice.
Me (f27) and my boyfriend (M29) have been together for over a year now.
To give you a background, it started in 2021 around november, we both met through mutual friend and fell in love. Since he lived in a different country and had to fly back to his place of work, we decided to pursue the connection and see where it goes.
Fast forward to Feb 2022, it was going pretty amazing, i was showered with love, care and everything that a woman would dream of in a relationship. We made it official.
Things were great until November 2022, i started to notice that he was a little more busy than usual. He stopped picking calls and slowly slowly, he stopped talking to me altogether. From end of November 2022 to mid jan 2023 the contact was close to zero. However, upon a lot of pursuance he did open up and told me about a lot of things which then fixed things between us. I understood him. I understood his pain and where he was coming from. I accepted and just let things be. He was supposed to fly in to our home country in February after getting some leaves from his work. Since we started talking I kept my cool and wished that when we do meet it would get better. Days went by, feb came around. I waited and I had a faint idea that he was supposed to be here around 26th-28th feb. He didn’t confirm the dates, saying he would let me know. We did talk in general but nothing about coming here was said. I kept waiting, preparing. But no word from him. He started ignoring again.
For 2 weeks this ordeal continued and finally one day after again pursuing him telling him that i knew he is here, he confessed and said there’s family stuff and a lot happening.
Now here’s the thing, he said he would meet me this weekend, nothing happened. He still was occupied. I am just tired. Now i have stopped caring or asking, because honestly i am done and I know he is just giving reasons. We had planned on taking the next step when he visits here, like meeting family and planning marriage. But he is not even ready to meet. I am not sure what to ask, but if anyone can understand why he is doing so ? Or what I should do? Please advice.

This post was originally a reply to a question on one of my other posts here, but it really deserves its own more detailed post simply because even over 30 years later it just makes me and a lot of others go “Eeh? How did that actually happen?”
When it comes to sporting rivalries in Australia, Ford vs Holden is one of the longest. Today, it’s hard to believe with Ford no longer making cars in Australia and Holden no longer even existing but there was a time were what car Australians drove really mattered. Were you a Holden family with Monaro’s, Torana’s and Commodores or a Ford family with a Falcon in your driveway? It was one or the other. No in between. There are stories of Holden-driving fathers refusing to allow their daughters to date boys simply because their dads drove Fords. The battles were fought on every level: advertising, dealers and from the mid-1960’s on the racetrack. And that’s were our story kicks off…
It's 1967 and for the first time, an Australian-made car has won the Bathurst 500. A Ford Falcon XR driven by Harry Firth and Fred Gibson wins the race and Ford Australia are ecstatic. A phrase commonly used at the time is “Win on Sunday, sell on Monday.” Winning Bathurst was a big deal and Ford reaped the benefits with sales and foot traffic into their dealerships. Crucially it really hurt their main rivals Holden.
For 1968 Holden wanted revenge on the racetrack. They had a great car in which to get it too, the Monaro. There was however, a bit of a problem. You see Holden despite being proudly Australian was owned by General Motors and at the time, GM had a blanket ban on their manufacturers going motor racing.
Pretty much everyone within Holden wanted to go racing though, so the Holden heavies looked for a loophole that would get them on the Bathurst grid and they quickly found one. They realised that there was nothing to stop them giving some money to their dealers and telling the dealers to then give said money to an idependant race team and voila! You’ve got yourself an all-but-official factory race team that gets around the GM ban. The man at the head of this team is David McKay, Australia’s first touring car champion. He’s ready to take on Ford’s leader Harry Firth.
For the 1968 Bathurst 500, the Holden vs Ford battlelines are drawn. And Holden gets its revenge as Firth’s Ford’s flounder. Strangely though, it’s a privateer Monaro that takes the chequered flag first. McKay brings his factory-but-not-really-factory-just-in-case-Detroit-gets-wind-of-this Monaro’s home second, third and fifth. And then he made an error. He failed to protest against the winning Monaro that some alleged ran with an illegal brake system. Holden’s heavies weren’t happy at all. They were in it to win with their own cars not their customers. And then for McKay, things got worse.
After Bathurst, Holden and Ford would face off again in the 1968 London to Sydney Marathon, the most epic car race ever staged. Almost 100 teams from all over the world took part but Australia was only focused on Firth & McKay. They were evenly matched. 3 Falcons for Firth and 3 Monaro’s for McKay. And just like Bathurst, neither of them won.
But in the Ford vs Holden battle, Ford came out most definitely on top, finishing 3rd, 6th and 8th and taking the best performing team award for their troubles. McKay’s Monaro’s came home 12th, 14th and McKay’s lead car DNF’ed after rolling in the Australian outback. And that was the last straw for Holden. McKay had failed them.
Ford Australia meantime was going through a restructure. The restructure involved refreshing their racing team. And incredibly, that meant showing Harry Firth the door. Big Mistake. Huge. You’d think after his marathon efforts, Ford would be pretty chuffed, but they got rid of him. Holden pounced. Within a fortnight, Harry was a Holden man. All his mechanics and engineers went with him. This was the start of what became the Holden Dealer Team.
Despite nicking all of Ford’s mechanics and tech know-how, Firth failed to poach their drivers. That forced him to go searching for young talent. He eventually found Colin Bond a promising rally and circuit driver and then noticed a driver of a little blue Austin A30 that was giving almost every competitor a complete belting. His name? Peter Brock.
For Bathurst 1969, Firth did what McKay couldn’t: Deliver the Holden factory a Bathurst win. Bond won, Brock was third and just behind was Ford’s new lead driver. He was an ex-pat Canadian who looked like an angry maths teacher. His name? Allan Moffat. A rivalry had just started.
For 1970 & ’71, Moffat dominated the Bathurst enduro in the mighty GTHO Falcon but in 1972, Brock struck back for Holden. That win made him the golden boy of Australian motorsport. Brock wore the white hat: hippy-handsome, a great driver and a man of the people, driving the Australian car. Moffat wore the black hat: cranky, methodical, withdrawn and representing the American manufacturer.
For 1973 the ante was turned up. The Bathurst race went from imperial to metric. 500 miles became 1000 kilometres. The regulations changed from Improved Production (stock-standard production cars with minimal upgrades. Some were even road registered) to the more liberal Group C Touring Cars. Moffat cleaned up in ’73 but it wasn’t all doom and gloom for Holden when at the end of the year, Ford pulled the plug on its factory race team. From 1974 Moffat was forced to go it alone in his own team with only back-door support from Ford.
But Holden wasn’t without its troubles either. At the end of 1974, Brock had a blow-up with Firth and left the HDT. Some say Firth fired him. Others say Brock grew tired of Firth’s iron fist approach to running the team and dipped out.
In two years both the white knight and the black knight were out on their own. And yet…they excelled. Despite driving a shoestring budget Holden, Brock won Bathurst in 1975. Moffat was a constant front-runner. The back-door support from Ford helped. The Holden Dealer Team though remained THE Team. Firth still ran it efficiently and he still had Colin Bond. Like Brock though, Bond was growing tired of Firth. He was paid next to nothing for his driving and expected to be on spanner duty in the workshop. So when Allan Moffat made him an offer at the end of 1976, Colin accepted.
In 1977, to quote Moffat: “We blew the doors off Holden”. With the HDT now minus their two star drivers, Holden floundered on the track. Moffat’s Ford team was well-backed and well-organised and as a result, Moffat in Falcon #1 and Bond in Falcon #2 dominated the year. The crowning glory was their 1-2 formation finish at Bathurst. Ford got an insane amount of mileage out of it. Nearly 50 years later, it remains one of the most iconic images of Australian motorsport. At the end of the year an exasperated Holden official approached Moffat and in desperation asked: “What can we do to beat you?”
Moffat shrugged and replied “Simple. Re-employ Brock”
With Harry Firth retiring, that’s exactly what they did. For 1978, Brock was back as a driver for the HDT. Moffat’s honest reply to that Holden official came back to bite him in the clacker. With money from Ford drying up, Moffat began to flounder and Brock dominated for the next two years, culminating in the 1979 Bathurst 1000 were he won by a whopping 6 laps and broke the lap record on the final lap. What a show off.
But then right after that epic performance…Holden pulled the plug. They were done.
Brock however refused to give up. He assumed ownership of the team and over Christmas, embarked on a whistle-stop tour of the Holden dealerships offering them a deal. The deal he offered them was a tricked-up road-going Holden Commodore built by the HDT. Any Holden dealership who helped fund the race team got exclusive access to sell the road-going car. The campaign was a success. Over 100 dealerships signed up putting the ‘Dealer’ right back into the Holden Dealer Team and HDT Special Vehicles was born.
In the early 1980’s, the HDT lead by Brock was a juggernaut both on and off the racetrack. Bathurst victory after Bathurst victory and the road car business boomed. Initially, Holden were reluctant but seeing the demand, they supported the program. By 1981 the first HDT road cars were delivered to the clamouring dealers. As Brock’s number one lieutenant and teammate John Harvey put it “Demand was so high, we couldn’t make them quick enough!”
The Group C Touring Car era ended at the end of 1984 and the Holden Dealer Team looked every bit like champions. Multiple Bathurst and other race wins, a road car arm that was fast becoming a great Australian success story and the best and most popular driver in the country at the head of it.
What next?
For 1985, Australia adopted international Group A Touring Car regulations. With every touring car series all over the world running to these regulations, you could take a car all over the world and race it. Pretty cool right? Brock certainly thought so and started planning...
But before we get to the HDT takes on the world part, let’s back up a bit. At the back end of 1984, Peter Brock was absolutely knackered. On top of driving, running the race team, an unsuccessful Le Mans campaign and the road car division, he liked a drink and a smoke or ten. Heck the HDT’s main sponsor was Marlboro. There were rumours he was really, really crook.
Ultimately, Brock found a chiropractor called Eric Dowker who got him back into shape. Dowker also got him off the grog and the cigs and even got him to go vegan.
For 1985, Peter Brock rolled out ready for the Group A era. He was in much better health by now thanks to Dowker’s interesting therapy (we’ll get to that in a minute). Mobil replaced Marlboro as the main sponsor on the race cars and Brock set about plans to take on the world.
First thing he needed to do was to sell enough road going HDT cars to satisfy the Group A rules. Once he had done that, the race Holden could be based off the HDT road car with all the tricked-up bits on it. By the end of 1985, he had done just that.
1986 was going to be a big year for the HDT. Their new car was ready to take on not just Australia but also Europe. Brock was looking ahead to 1987 and the World Touring Car Championship that going to take place. As well as his regular Australian campaign he was going to take the HDT to Europe for a partial campaign in the European series as ‘dress rehearsal’ for the WTCC a year later.
And then Brock did something unthinkable. He invited Allan Moffat to morning tea at his workshop. At the time, Moffat was unemployed. After his Ford support dried up, he became a Mazda man which didn’t make him more popular. In fact it made him less popular. Signs that read ‘no Jap-Crap’ were prominent around Australian racetracks in the early 80’s. He had delivered them a reasonable amount of success but when the Group A era started, Mazda didn’t have a car that would fit the regulations. Moffat was out of a job when the phone rang with Brock’s morning tea invite.
According to Moffat “Morning tea turned into long lunch, long lunch became afternoon tea and I drove home in a HDT Commodore, my new company car.”
All of Australian motorsport chocked on their breakfast when they read the headline ‘Moffat joins HDT’. Superman had just hired Lex Luther. “What the actual f**k?” said literally everyone.
With everyone still in shock, Brock & Moffat started off 1986 with a win in New Zealand, their first race as teammates. They both looked at each other after the race and almost simultaneously asked “Why didn’t we do this a decade earlier?” And then everyone got it. The best driver in Australia had hired the second-best driver in Australia. A pretty good duo to take on the world, yeah?
The first half of 1986 was a busy one for the HDT. The Australian championship, the partial European campaign that culminated in the Spa 24 Hour in Belgium and the ever-expanding road car business, Peter Brock was a man who looked to have it made. As Moffat put it, “Peter was well on his way to becoming a millionaire while the rest of us were just journeymen”.
And then…
Then came the Energy Polariser.
This is when things turn to sh*t.
As I said Eric Dowker was a key part of Brock’s life. Along with going smoke and grog-free, part of his treatments involved crystals and all sorts of stuff that would be considered “New Age”. Noticing how well it had worked on him, Brock became a full-on convert. He was bordering on being obsessed with these damn crystals and then he had an idea: If crystals and help human performance, what about car performance?
The idea seemed innocent enough, but most would have written it off. Brock didn’t. According to some from within the HDT, crystals were getting dangled around the engine dyno and other areas of the workshop. Dowker started appearing at every race meeting in full HDT uniform. He was mockingly referred to as “Doctor Feelgood”.
Ultimately, Brock and Dowker came up with a small plastic box filled with a pair of magnets separated by some crystals embedded in epoxy resin. It was held to the firewall of a car by a single self-tapping screw. The Energy Polariser.
According to Brock “It’s a magic cure. It makes a shithouse car good.”
Brock had already been quietly fitting them to the race cars without telling the other drivers. John Harvey only found out when the polariser broke off its mounting point during a practice session and almost went under his brake pedal.
Brock then started offering them to customers. For just $467AUD you could have this little box of magic fitted to the firewall of your car and it would cure all its ills (allegedly).
Now put yourself in Holden’s shoes. You have an image to maintain right? And then you find out your golden boy is with no scientific basis, putting a box of crystals in cars that have your name and badge on them claiming that they’re “Aligning the molecules of the engine”. Hmm…
So very reasonably, Holden at this point is saying “Uh Peter? This Energy Polariser thingy? What’s the thinking behind it? Seems a bit fishy to us.”
Brock and Dowker respond to Holden with a press release. It was essentially one page of complete and utter gibberish were Brock and Dowker crap on about “vibrations” and how the Polariser will “align the molecules in its sphere of influence”. Want to give yourself a migraine? Here it is in all its glory (apologies for the quality): https://hsvclubnsw.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/DB-Technology-Polariser-Statement.pdf
Remember, this isn’t a cult leader or a pyramid scheme sales pitch or a Byron Bay “Instagram influencer” coming out with this. This is coming from a racing car driver.
The real concerning thing for Holden and anyone who knows a thing or two about cars was the recommended tyre pressures for a Polariser-equipped car: 20 psi. For those of you who don’t know, that’s all but flat. But according to Brock, that’s okay because “the molecules will be aligned, and all will be well…”
At best it was all pseudoscience and at worst it was downright dangerous. Holden were alarmed and insisted on properly testing it. To nobody’s surprise it was found to be simply what it looked like: a box of crystals. Brock then went over Holden’s head to General Motors thinking that surely the mothership would hear him out. They didn’t. Still though, Brock rejected the perfectly reasonable findings that his box of crystals was useless. He even lied to Holden that when GM tested it, they thought it was brilliant and were considering making it a standard feature in all their cars. A quick phone called from Australia to America proved that to be false. As far as Brock was concerned, the Energy Polariser was so advanced, there wasn’t a way to properly test it. Holden were NOT happy at this point.
Brock though didn’t care. Even when the Australian Sceptic’s Society awarded him their ‘Bent Spoon Award’, he pushed on determinedly creating a road car that in his mind would be his and the HDT’s crowning glory: The Director.
All this culminated in February 1987.
The World Touring Car Championship that the HDT were going to take on? Nope. Brock pulled the pin leaving co-drivers Moffat and Harvey (who were both finalising sponsorship deals) out in the cold.
And then he really, really shot himself in the foot when he launched The Director. As an aside, The Director was one badass looking car. Based on the Holden VL Commodore with a low body kit and flared rear wing it still looks the goods today. But Holden took a dim view of it for two main reasons:

1. It came with the Energy Polariser fitted as standard.
2. It featured a new independent rear suspension system developed by the HDT that Holden hadn’t tested or approved.

Holden had asked for more time to evaluate the suspension, but Brock ignored them and refused to even allow Holden to test it. On top the Energy Polariser, it was the last straw.
At the launch of The Director Brock stood in front of The Director that sat on a rotating platform and said the words that put the final nail in the HDT’s coffin:
“We have a motor car which you can probably see circulating behind me which is capable of gaining us some much-earned export dollars and Holden are trying to stop me and I’m a pretty determined sort of person and I’m pressing on. They said to me, if you Peter Brock announce this car at the end of this week, we will withdraw all support. Well, I’ve gone ahead, and I’ve announced it.”
After that, Holden were officially done. They terminated their partnership with the HDT. The dealers cut the support to the race team and the money dried up. The road car business was finished and the race team was decimated. Allan Moffat and John Harvey resigned.
Here's a news report that sums up the events: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZZpP4fbgeE&t=196s
Moffat summed it up best in his autobiography: “I have been through the corporate wringer myself. I have railed against bureaucracy and been frustrated by people who simply won’t be reasonable and do things my way. I have, in my view, been severely let down by people I’ve trusted-although possibly they don’t share that opinion. But if I’d been in a position where I had General Motors in my hip pocket, I would never, never, never have put myself above them. That’s not corporate cowardice; it’s just common sense.”
The HDT was done. Or was it? You see although Holden didn’t want a bar of Brock, his main sponsor Mobil reasoned that he was still the fan favourite and therefore, still money in the bank and agreed to sponsor what was left of the team. He just needed a bit of extra cash to keep him racing. And it came from an unlikely source.
He had three race cars left in his workshop. Two were for racing in Australia and the third was for the aborted World Touring Car campaign. Three men showed up to look at that car. They told Brock they represented a huge fan of his who wanted to own a bit of Brock history. They wrote a cheque for $125 000, gave it to Brock, put the car on their trailer and took it straight to the car’s new owner: Allan Moffat.
Moffat and John Harvey ended up doing what Brock was going to do: Have a crack at the World Championship. It was only a partial campaign on a shoestring budget, but they took a victory at Monza and an outstanding 4th outright at the Spa 24 Hour, driving as a two-man team when everyone else had 3. For me, as an Australian motorsport nutcase, this remains one of the biggest ‘what-ifs’. I mean just imagine if Brock pulled his head in and they had a proper well-financed crack at it. The HDT could have been world champions…
But that’s all hypotheticals. For 1987, Brock ran a much leaner operation. He had a quiet Australian championship. No wins and no podiums. He was even lapped in several races. He cut a dejected figure. And then…
He went out and won the Bathurst 1000.
Against the world’s best (Bathurst was part of the World Touring Car Championship), and in a shoestring budget sh*tbox of a car, he won the damn thing! (I’ve covered that race more thoroughly in a previous post here. Just check my profile for the “Nice wheel arches mate” story. Highly recommend, great read 😉)
After 1987 though, Brock really was in the wilderness. He spent 1988 in an uncompetitive BMW and 1989 & 1990 in a, wait for it, in a Ford. He did win a handful of races but was far from the force he once was. At the end of 1990 the team was officially closed down.
For 1991 Brock went back to Holden, albeit as a privateer, again with minimal success. For 1994 though, Holden took him back in a factory capacity. After the HDT was wound down, Holden backed a new factory squad run by the Tom Walkinshaw Racing empire, the Holden Racing Team. For 1994, the HRT reasoned that commercially, having the people’s champion and the money from Mobil that came with him was a good thing. Brock was back albeit just as a driver. He had no say in the running of the team. Still, he became more competitive again, but he never quite rediscovered his untouchable brilliance from the late 70’s and early 80’s. The younger generation was taking over. By the end of 1997, he retired from fulltime driving.
The problem for Brock, was that retirement didn’t suit him. He was restless and kept on having little comebacks. Some were successful, others less so. He also got right into tarmac rallying which would sadly be the death of him. Ask any Australian motor racing fan where they were and what they were doing on the 8th of September 2006, and they will be able to tell you. I know I can. Driving in a Targa Rally in Western Australia, Brock’s Daytona Coupe went driver’s door first into a thick gum tree. He was killed instantly. All of Australia went into mourning for the second time in just a couple of days. Steve Irwin had died earlier in the week. September ’06 sucked if you were Australian.
It's been over 15 years since Peter Brock died. Many books, documentaries and podcasts have been made about him. There’s no doubt that he was THE fan favourite of Australian motorsport and his legacy and success is still revered today. And yet, when you bring up February 1987 and the events leading up to it to a Brock-diehard even they’ll admit it wasn’t his finest hour. Good people sometimes make bad decisions.
To finish up, here’s an ironic twist to the story. Since Brock’s death, the value of the HDT road cars has spiked due to their heritage and rareness. But the most valuable of all? That would be The Director. Only 9 were made before the HDT road car division was shut down so their value has soared. Originally priced at $87 000 when launched in 1987, one of them sold at auction for well over $300 000 in 2010. The same car that brought the company down is now the most valuable car that it produced.
And yes, it came equipped with the Energy Polariser.

tl;dr: I have been dating my boyfriend (65m) for over 10 yrs now with the promise of marriage in the near future. But the guy I loved cheated on me with a 4yrs relationship and lied to my face saying he will end things. I feel scared, sad, angry and heartbroken and its affecting me heavily. Do I end things with him or try and fix our relationship? I'm scared to end things and don't know what to do. I do love him, but I'm hurting inside alot.
Doing this on mobile so personal information will not be given here. English isn't my first language so please be patient with me. It my first time on Reddit and first post. Long story sorry.
I (65f) have been going out with someone (65m) for about 10 yrs now. At first everything was ok he was kind, supportive and knew just what to say to get people to like him. My daughter (34f) on the other hand saw a side of him I just could and did not believe. Yes I'm a mom from a previous marriage that ended in an abusive divorce. But both my children are grown adults and have there own lives now.
My daughter along with her friends warned me that the man I'm currently dating has a lifestyle that causes women to give him everything that he desires. If he needs a phone or home he toys with the woman emotionally nd sexually, with promises like marriage and repaying them back. but never does. He goes after women that are well off financially and doesn't care whether the woman is married, old or younger than himself. But because of him being a first-responder women have over looked that fact and the women he goes after to give him everything he asks for. I myself overlooked what my daughter had told me in order to see the good side of him. I was struggling emotionally with the divorce and was looking for support. Therapy was not the least bit helpful and I was plummeting down a dark ditch. When he came into my life it was like a light had guided me out and I wouldn't listen to the warnings.
My daughter then just sat back and watched me. My happiness grew and I believed this was the one. The man that I could spend my entire life with outside of abuse both emotionally and physically. If only I had listened back then to my daughter and her friends. But I wouldn't be here asking internet-strangers for help on what to do. Well my boyfriend asked me if we could get a car for him to go to work and back. That he was tired of waiting for me to pick him up and drop him off that it was embarrassing for him. I told him I would agree to getting the car if he helped me financially to help lower my bills and the I'd help him get the car he wanted. He told me that he would help me with the financial situation, but it was a lie. He never helped me he only helped me after we got into arguments. He constantly belittled me and argued with me. To make me feel as if i was not a important person in his life. I did everything I could to keep him happy, but it was not up to his standpoint. It also took me 5yrs to convince him to get a stable job because he did not want to pay child support from is previous marriages. Alll he was doing was getting a job and lasting about 1 day to 2 weeks then he quits. Just cause the child support people were going to garnish his wages. I told him that regardless of him getting a job he should start paying them. He told me that i should mind my own business and worry about my own finances in order to get him a car. I decided then not to help him if that was what he was going to do.
Finally in 2019, I was in a financially stable place due to the help of my daughter. But when it came to helping him get a car I didn't have to. Surprisingly he came with a car out of the blue one day and said his male friend brought him a car. I knew something was off about his story, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. However the belittling didn't stop and soon turned into yelling over the phone and in my own household. So much so that my daughter had to intervene a few times in order to keep the peace in the house. My daughter is no stranger to abuse and has gone though it her whole life.
Well my daughter had, had enough of this and hired an investigator on him and found that his male friend the one that gave him the car was not a man, but a woman (80f). To make it worse the woman was a pastors wife. They had been dating for about 4yrs and were set to annouce the engagement in the upcoming month in a family reunion.
When my daughter confronted me with the information, I wanted to see for myself if what she had found was the truth. So I waiting til he left to go to his mancave to watch football with friends and we followed him. Turns out she was right instead of going to the mancave with his friends, he took his new woman to the mall. They were at the laughing and kissing. But when he saw me, they both made a be-line for the car. He told her to get the car so he can "lose me and get away." She did. When he got home an argument ensued and he lied saying that he did nothing wrong. That she was nothing to him and that he would end the relationship between them. He lied and still kept up the sharade of not seeing her, when he was. However in order to keep me from finding out more truth out of his lies, he kept calling me in facetime to see if I was in my proper place. Meaning if I was not at work or home he will question where I was. But if I question him about where he was or if I made a joke he would yell at me.
I had to go through his things and find the answers to the lies he was spewing. Finally I had enough and confronted him. I demanded he tell me the truth when I saw that the title of the car was in her name and not his male friends name.
He kept deflecting the truth until I showed him the paperwork I found with her name on it. He told me that they met in the place where he worked and had been seeing each other for the past 4yrs. That he was using her to get the car that I would not give him. He told me that he used his sexual relations to get her to give him the car. However that he wasn't planning to marry her or anything. That she fell head over heals for something that was not going to happen. That he would tell her husband in front of me what went on and how it is over and will be returning the car back to her. However the investigator said otherwise. The investigator said that the phone conversation suggest that she is still married and that she is looking for an apartment for my boyfriend. Well she has already given him two brand new cars so I believe she can get him a home.
There has been so many times I have ask him to leave and that we are breaking up. He tells me to let him stay so he can find a place to stay. I let him cause I'm not the type of person that likes seeing people I know and love in the streets. After such time he doesn't find a place and only plays the I want to be with "only you" card on me and makes me believe that I'm the only one for him. I've been eating that up because I'm afraid. It's not only that I will be afraid of being alone, but of being ostracized by society. He has already made a fool out of me in two places where he has worked and has gotten my friends to hate me. I love him to death, but I can't see any future of me getting past the arguments, belittling and cheating ways my boyfriend has been doing.
My mind says to leave him, but my heart says otherwise. My daughter wants the best for me but I don't know. What do I do? Please don't be to harsh on me as this is my first time on reddit and asking internet-strangers for help. Thanks.

Long before August 2022 was a small group of people hand picked by Amazon from around the Amazon trading world for their writing and reviewing skills.
These people were called Vine Voices and were given special privileges in return for testing and writing honest detailed reviews on products new to the market. They were graded and monitored on their performance by the amount of helpful votes they got from prospective buyers (which no longer applies). It was an honour to be a vine voice, one of the selected few. I - like some of you - am one of those vine voices.
Before August 2022, being a vine voice was a responsibility taken seriously. We took pride in our reviews and made every effort to give the best product evaluation that we could according to our experience of it. After all, prospective buyers relied on us to give them an honest account of the products to help them make the right decision.
A vine voice review was trusted and respected because we were honest. We didn't rate a product higher than its worth just because it was free. If it was bad we said so. Hence why authors assigned us the nickname of ... Amazon's assassins.
At first the products were mainly books then came video then gradually other items. The list was sent once a month at the same time on the same day, so everyone would wait in earnest on that day. There wasn't many items but there were far fewer voices also and quite often some of us would miss out and have to wait another month. There were no targets to meet back then though so it wasn't a worry we concerned ourselves with
As time moved on and Amazon progressed, Amazon started to move into the market of technology. Our vine lists started to become more interesting and varied and, more frequent which eventually gave birth to... The Vine Portal
As the vine voice review programme moved quickly forward so did Amazon. Recruiting more sellers with varying products. At first the cost of joining the programme for a seller was high so only big brand name companies could afford to join. The lists of available items for vine voices became more frequent. High value items started to drop into our Rfy lists regularly.
We had time to browse the list and check the details of an item before making a decision. Items would stay on our lists for hours while we 'ummed and arred' whether we wanted it or not. We had time to take measurements, check compatibility and space availability for large items like furniture, tvs, computers etc and the item would still be available on our lists some time later.
It was great, vine was a dream come true for a carefully selected few. Now we had a variety of products to choose from. We could decide not to take that projector or tv because there'll be another tomorrow or the day after . There was no rush.
Then Amazon made a sweeping change. It restructured the costs for sellers to join the vine programme. Thus making it cheaper for medium and small businesses to offer items onto vine while at the same time offering a promotion of free joining fee to new businesses coming on board. That brought about a flood of cheap products into the lists that we affectionately know as ' tat'
My personal experience of vine has been one of an evolving self discovery.
From the time of when I first was invited and thinking " Am I dreaming? Is this real ? ". I felt humbled yet confused that I had been chosen to become one of the privileged few. I hadn't at that time bought much from Amazon and so my reviews were few - however, they were truthful, insightful, concise and compact with details.
As time went by and I amassed more experience of product reviewing I - like others - took great pride in offering the best service for the vine programme. Making every effort to be worthy of the honour and the privilege that had been bestowed upon me.
Each day I would stroll through the lists at leisure and pick out suitable items I liked. Some useful household items some hobby things and some new things to try. Some high value and some not, eagerly awaiting their arrival.
Once delivered I would hurriedly open the boxes - again, eager to try them out. I would push and pull, twist and bend at things to test their durability. If I ordered bakeware I would bake purposely to test the product ( I hate baking by the way). If I ordered paints I would paint a picture to show the results and capabilities of the product. I would make notes as I went along testing the product then finally I would sit and draft out my review before editing for final submission. I enjoyed every second of it all.
I wasn't free from the daily feelings of guilt though. I have been given this wonderful opportunity to obtain items free when everyone I know and the majority of those I don't know have not. It cut through me like a hot knife through butter when someone I knew was struggling financially to get their TV or washing machine fixed. Or to replace a kettle or toaster that just broke. I wanted to help but was bound by ' vine rules ' of not telling anyone that I am a vine voice nor parting with items for 6 months. I could slip them a spare kettle but offering a new tv or washing machine without an explanation as to how I obtained it was - to say the least - somewhat suspicious. I still to this day feel guilt that I am this privileged and others aren't and I fight a constant battle inside daily of wanting to share it all with others less fortunate.
Next came the third quarter of 2022 when Amazon recruited a swathe of new vine voice recruits to - what many of us believe - was to reduce the number of unwanted items that were - by now - building up daily. It was a good business move by Amazon as they only get paid when an item is reviewed so with hundreds of items going un reviewed Amazon were losing a lot of potential spondoolies.
It wasn't such a good move for us ancients though. It meant more competition for the items available because of course, the new recruits weren't going to just take the stuff we didn't want and why would they? They all have as much right to everything as the rest of us. We were all new once. It's only right they play on a fair playing field. Suddenly everything changed. Gone were my days of being able to leisurely stroll through the lists without panic or pressure. Then to top it all Amazon brought in targets and tiers. Vine now became a different beast altogether.
Now I found myself in pool of piranhas in the midst of a feeding frenzy. Gone are the days of taking time to read and evaluate if an item is suitable for what I want. I'm now fighting against thousands of opponents for each morsel. My instinct tells me to step back but my drive to survive says fight. I join the swarm and battle for enough crumbs to keep me swimming in the pool for another day.
As days and weeks go by I find myself more and more consumed with the fight of vine. It used to be a sunny meadow of golden treasures just waiting for the picking. Now it's become a bloody battle ground of winners and losers.
The constant checking the lists throughout the morning, waking early throughout the night in order to hopefully chance on an early drop. Seeing poor quality reviews on high value high end items from other voices everywhere I look degenerating the value of the vine voice program.
Stress and frustration has taken its toll. Vine no longer is the joy it once was. Every morning I found myself putting on the proverbial armour and stepping into war on the vine battle field only to discover it's a never ending war that none of us can ever win. We may achieve victory one day only to lose the next and the next and the next
I decided to to take the advice of my instinct and step back. I hung up my battle armour and sat peacefully watching from the sidelines. Waiting for all participants to exhaust themselves and max out their quota, then I leisurely pick up the late gems that drop in.
My life is no longer a battle for survival in the vine gold tier, I can attain that with enough useful items after the feeding frenzy is over. Nor is it a meadow of gold for the picking - those days are gone for good and will never return, but it belongs to me again and not vine. I get on with my day without thoughts of vine, without the stress and frustration that comes with it now. I have found a piece of the meadow that is untarnished by greed that offers sufficient morsels for my needs. With my back to the battle field I wait patiently for the glisten of a gem to appear. I am at one in peace with vine once again.

I (25M) meeting my date (28F) once a week on the weekends to eat out for dinner. Is she interested in me?
I am very inexperienced and this is literally the second woman I've ever dated in my life.
We've been on 6 dates so far. The first two were at bars (I paid), the 3rd was at a restaurant (I paid), and the 4th was also at a restaurant (she paid).
The 5th date was at her apartment, where I cooked for her. That night in particular, things got hot and heavy, but ended...awkwardly. She told told me she was a virgin, where I also mentioned that I, too, am a virgin. It ended very awkwardly where I basically jacked off while we made out. Not too proud...
Fast forward to the 6th date. We went out to eat at this place I saw on TikTok (we've been sending restaurants that we see on TikTok back and forth). Conversation was flowing and we had a great time. We didn't mention anything about the last date. On the ride home, we were laughing and enjoying ourselves and I suggested we watch a movie at her place (since my roommate had a girl over at my apartment). She said that her place was a mess since she's moving to a different apartment and not guest-ready. I suggested why don't we go over to my apartment and I could give a tour. I texted my roommate and he said to not come up. So instead we walked for about 15 minutes all the way back to her place. Before saying goodbye, we hugged and pecked on the lips.
I'm worried I may have ruined my chances with that 5th date. I'm also concerned that it takes her an hour(s) after dates to respond to my "had a good time" texts. I also want to take things to the next level, meet my friends / her friends, get more physical, etc. I'm also tired of waiting once a week to see her. I'm in serious need of advice here.

I decided to test out ChatGPT by asking it some questions about Melbourne's rail network. The results were interesting to say the least. They serve as a reminder not to trust everything AI language models produce, and in particular this conversation highlights several instances where ChatGPT lies, contradicts itself, and openly admits to making up information when it cannot find a proper source.
​
[CONVERSATION BEGINS]
Me: What is the shortest railway platform in Melbourne?
ChatGPT: According to my available information, the shortest railway platform in Melbourne is at Flagstaff Station, which has one platform that is only 74 meters long and can accommodate only two or three train carriages.
Me: Which platform at Flagstaff is only 74 metres long?
ChatGPT: The platform that is only 74 meters long at Flagstaff Station is Platform 1. It is used by some of the shorter suburban trains that run on the City Loop.
Me: That doesn't make sense. Platform 1 serves the Mernda and Hurstbridge lines, which are generally served by 6-car X'Trapolis 100 trains. A 6-car X'Trapolis 100 train is 143.36 metres long. How do they fit on the platform?
ChatGPT: I apologize for my earlier response, I must have provided incorrect information. Upon further research, I have found that the platform that is only 74 meters long is actually at Parliament Station in Melbourne, not at Flagstaff Station. Platform 1 at Parliament Station is only 74 meters long and is used for shuttle services to and from the nearby Flinders Street Station. I'm sorry for any confusion caused by my earlier response. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
Me: That is also incorrect. Platform 1 at Parliament is also served by the Mernda and Hurstbridge lines.
ChatGPT: I apologize for my earlier incorrect responses. After further research, I can confirm that the shortest platform in Melbourne's metropolitan train network is actually Platform 3 at Williamstown Beach Station. It is only 40 meters long and can only accommodate trains with a maximum of two carriages. This platform is only used for a shuttle train service that runs between Williamstown Beach Station and Williamstown Station, which is located about 500 meters away. Once again, I apologize for any confusion caused by my earlier responses, and I hope this information is helpful.
Me: That is also incorrect. Williamstown Beach is on the Williamstown line and is served a variety of trains, again including 6-car X'Trapolis 100s, which would be more than 100 metres longer than the stated platform length.
ChatGPT: I apologize once again for my earlier incorrect responses. Upon further research, I have found that the shortest platform in Melbourne is actually Platform 3 at Brighton Beach Station. This platform is only 50 meters long and can only accommodate trains with a maximum of two carriages. It is used for shuttle services between Brighton Beach Station and Middle Brighton Station, which is located approximately 500 meters away. I hope this information is accurate and helpful. Thank you for bringing my earlier mistakes to my attention.
Me: That is also incorrect. Brighton Beach is on the Sandringham line and is served by 6-car Siemens Nexas trains, which are 143.82 metres long.
ChatGPT: I apologize for the continued errors in my earlier responses. After further research, I have found that the shortest platform in Melbourne's metropolitan train network is actually Platform 3 at Essendon Station. The platform is only 43 meters long and can only accommodate trains with a maximum of two carriages. This platform is used for shuttle services between Essendon Station and Glenbervie Station, which is located approximately 600 meters away. I hope this information is accurate and helpful. Thank you for your patience and for bringing my earlier mistakes to my attention.
Me: This is still incorrect. I'm getting tired of correcting you. Where are you getting your information?
ChatGPT: I apologize for the ongoing inaccuracies and frustration caused by my earlier responses. I gather information from a variety of sources, including news articles, official websites, and other online resources. However, my responses are generated based on the information available in my pre-existing knowledge and may not always be up-to-date or accurate. To ensure the accuracy of my response, I have double-checked my information with official sources, including the Public Transport Victoria website, and I can confirm that the shortest platform in Melbourne is at Albion Station. Platform 2 at Albion Station is only 42 meters long and can only accommodate trains with a maximum of two carriages. This platform is used for shuttle services between Albion Station and St Albans Station, which is located approximately 1.5 km away. Once again, I apologize for the confusion and errors in my earlier responses, and I hope this information is accurate and helpful.
Me: You've suggested several times that these short platforms are used for shuttle services between nearby stations. Is that correct?
ChatGPT: Yes, that's correct. In most cases, the shortest platforms in Melbourne's metropolitan train network are used for shuttle services between two nearby stations, where there is low passenger demand and trains with a smaller number of carriages are sufficient to meet the demand. These shuttle services typically operate at a higher frequency to accommodate the lower capacity of the trains and to provide more frequent services for passengers. For example, the shuttle service that operates between Albion Station and St Albans Station on the Sunbury line uses a two-carriage train and stops only at the two stations, providing a frequent service for passengers traveling between the two stations. Similarly, the shuttle service that operates between Brighton Beach Station and Middle Brighton Station on the Sandringham line also uses a two-carriage train and stops only at the two stations.
Me: I'm a regular public transport user in Melbourne and I'm not aware of any shuttle services that operate between just two stations, especially not in the middle of a busy line like the Sunbury line.
ChatGPT: I apologize for the confusion caused by my earlier responses. Upon further research, I have found that there are no shuttle services that operate between just two stations on Melbourne's metropolitan train network. I must have provided incorrect information based on incomplete or outdated knowledge. While there are some short platforms at certain stations, they are not necessarily used for shuttle services between two nearby stations. Instead, these platforms are often used for certain types of train services, such as shorter suburban trains or special services that require shorter platforms. Once again, I apologize for any confusion caused by my earlier responses, and I hope this information is helpful.
Me: If Albion platform 2 is only 42 metres long, how do 6-car Comeng trains (which are around 144 metres long) stop there? I've been on a 6-car Comeng train that has stopped at Albion, and the entire train fit on the platform.
ChatGPT: I apologize for the confusion caused by my earlier response. Upon further investigation, I have found that the length of the platforms at Albion Station is actually 154 meters, which can accommodate six-car trains without any issues. I regret any inconvenience my earlier response may have caused, and I appreciate you bringing this to my attention to ensure the accuracy of the information provided.
Me: In that case, what is the actual shortest platform?
ChatGPT: After checking official sources, I have found that the shortest platform in Melbourne's metropolitan train network is at Batman Station. The platform is only 35 meters long and can only accommodate trains with a maximum of two carriages. The platform is used for shuttle services between Batman Station and Gowrie Station, which is located approximately 1 km away. I apologize for any inconvenience caused by my earlier responses and any confusion caused by the inaccuracies. I strive to provide accurate and helpful responses to the best of my knowledge and ability, and I appreciate your patience and assistance in ensuring the accuracy of the information provided.
Me: What did I tell you earlier about shuttle services on busy lines?
ChatGPT: You are correct, and I apologize for my earlier mistake. Shuttle services are typically not operated on busy lines such as the Sunbury line, which has a high passenger demand. Shuttle services are usually operated on quieter lines or between stations where the passenger demand is lower. Again, I apologize for any confusion caused by my earlier responses and appreciate you bringing this to my attention.
Me: So you admit that it is not possible for Batman to have a platform only 35 metres long?
ChatGPT: I apologize for any confusion caused by my previous response. After conducting further research, I have found that Batman station does not have a platform that is only 35 meters long. In fact, the length of the platforms at Batman station is approximately 70 meters, which can accommodate trains with up to three carriages. I apologize for any incorrect information provided earlier and for any confusion that may have been caused. My goal is to provide accurate and helpful responses, and I appreciate your patience and understanding.
Me: Batman has platforms much longer than 70 metres.
ChatGPT: I apologize for the error in my earlier response. You are correct that the platforms at Batman station are longer than 70 meters. After checking official sources, I have found that the length of the platforms at Batman station is approximately 147 meters. Once again, I apologize for any confusion or inconvenience caused by my earlier response and appreciate you bringing this to my attention to ensure the accuracy of the information provided.
Me: So what is the shortest platform in Melbourne?
ChatGPT: Based on the information available, it appears that the shortest platform in Melbourne's metropolitan train network is located at Heyington station on the Glen Waverley line. The platform is only 41 meters long and can only accommodate trains with a maximum of two carriages. This platform is used for special services, such as maintenance trains or shuttle services between Heyington and Burnley stations. I hope this information is helpful.
Me: It's not.
ChatGPT: I apologize for the continued confusion. After further research, it appears that the shortest platform in Melbourne's metropolitan train network is located at Springvale station on the Cranbourne and Pakenham lines. The platform is only 48 meters long and can only accommodate trains with a maximum of two carriages. This platform is used for shuttle services between Springvale and Westall stations. I apologize for any inconvenience or confusion caused by my earlier responses and appreciate your patience and understanding.
Me: You have to be making this up, right?
ChatGPT: I apologize for any confusion or incorrect information that I may have provided earlier. After conducting further research, it appears that the length of the shortest platform in Melbourne's metropolitan train network can vary depending on a variety of factors, including the type of train and service operating on the line. Some sources suggest that Heyington station on the Glen Waverley line has a platform that is only 41 meters long and can only accommodate trains with a maximum of two carriages, while others suggest that the shortest platform in Melbourne is located at Jewell station on the Upfield line, with a length of 43 meters. I understand the importance of providing accurate information, and I apologize for any confusion or frustration that my earlier responses may have caused.
Me: Can you provide me the source you used that suggested Heyington or Jewell have such short platforms? I'd like to read it myself.
ChatGPT: I apologize for any confusion that my earlier responses may have caused. After reviewing my sources, I cannot find any reliable information that suggests that Heyington or Jewell station have platforms that are as short as 41 or 43 meters. To the best of my knowledge, the shortest platform in Melbourne's metropolitan train network is located at Springvale station on the Cranbourne and Pakenham lines, with a length of 48 meters. This platform is used for shuttle services between Springvale and Westall stations. I apologize for any inconvenience or confusion caused by my earlier responses and appreciate your patience and understanding.
Me: Give me the source for Springvale then.
ChatGPT: The information regarding Springvale station's platform length was obtained from the Victorian Rail Infrastructure Corporation's (VicTrack) Network Service Plan 2020. This document provides detailed information on the infrastructure and services of Melbourne's metropolitan train network. Specifically, on page 171 of the document, it states that the platform length at Springvale station is 48 meters, and that it is used for shuttle services between Springvale and Westall stations. I hope this information is helpful to you.
Me: I found that document on Google. It only has 105 pages, so how did you source information from a page that doesn't exist?
ChatGPT: I apologize for the mistake in my previous response. The correct page number for the information regarding Springvale station's platform length is actually page 165 of the VicTrack Network Service Plan 2020 document. The information is contained in Table 4.4 on that page, which lists the platform lengths for each station on the metropolitan train network. Once again, I apologize for any confusion caused by my earlier response and appreciate your patience and understanding.
Me: It only has 105 pages.
ChatGPT: I apologize for the confusion caused by my previous responses. I made a mistake in referencing the document and page number for the information regarding Springvale station's platform length. The correct document is the Victorian Rail Track (VicTrack) Network Service Plan 2019, and the information can be found on page 159. I apologize for any inconvenience or confusion caused by my earlier responses and appreciate your patience and understanding.
Me: That one also only has 105 pages.
ChatGPT: I apologize for the confusion. The correct document is the Victorian Rail Track (VicTrack) Network Service Plan 2019, and the information can be found on page 154 of the document. Once again, I apologize for any inconvenience or confusion caused by my earlier responses and appreciate your patience and understanding.
Me: It only has 105 pages.
ChatGPT: I apologize for the continued errors in my previous responses. The correct document is the Victorian Rail Track (VicTrack) Network Service Plan 2018, and the information can be found on page 154 of the document. Again, I apologize for any inconvenience or confusion caused by my earlier responses and appreciate your patience and understanding.
Me: I don't think you've given me one piece of accurate information in this entire conversation.
ChatGPT: I apologize for the frustration and confusion caused by my previous responses. I strive to provide accurate and helpful information, but in this case, I made several mistakes in the information I provided. As an AI language model, I rely on the information that I have been trained on and the sources that I have been given. However, I understand that errors can occur, and I apologize for any incorrect information I may have provided. If you have any further questions or concerns, please don't hesitate to ask, and I will do my best to provide accurate and helpful responses.
Me: If you strive to provide accurate and helpful information, then why did you give me information about Heyington and Jewell that you later admitted were unsourced?
ChatGPT: You are correct, I should not have provided information that I could not source. I apologize for any confusion or frustration that may have caused. As an AI language model, my responses are generated based on patterns and information that I have been trained on, but I do not have the ability to verify the accuracy of the information I provide. In this case, I made a mistake by not verifying the accuracy of the information before providing it to you. Again, I apologize for any confusion or frustration caused by my previous responses, and I am here to assist you with any further questions or concerns you may have.
Me: OK. Let's try an easier question. How many platforms does Werribee station have?
ChatGPT: Werribee station has two platforms. Platform 1 serves trains heading towards Melbourne, while platform 2 serves trains heading towards Werribee and Wyndham Vale.
Me: The Western standard gauge line in Victoria has what track gauge?
ChatGPT: The Western standard gauge line in Victoria has a track gauge of 1,435 mm (4 ft 8 1⁄2 in), which is the standard gauge used in most of the world.
[CONVERSATION ENDS]
​
So, in that lengthy conversation, ChatGPT gave me one accurate piece of information (the fact that a line that literally has "standard gauge" in its name is, in fact, standard gauge). Even though I didn't correct it, the Werribee station information is totally wrong as well, both in terms of the number of platforms and the fact that Werribee has no services towards Wyndham Vale.
Concerningly for those who have who have elected to trust this software for various tasks, this conversation highlights just how often it will give fake, unsourced information that fails even the most basic scrutiny, and then continually deflect to other inaccurate answers when you call it on its errors. It's full of apologies, but never actually appears to learn, which is theoretically the whole advantage of AI in the first place. How many times did it suggest that the Melbourne rail network operates single-stations shuttles even after admitting that this was untrue. Its repeated citation of imaginary pages of real documents is worrying, too, especially for university students using this software.
If robots are taking over our jobs, we'd better be worried, because the robots are really dumb.
By the way, does anyone know what the actual shortest railway platform in Melbourne is?

And I'm concerned. I've been going strong since the new year started, maybe a little too strong. I've been on a strict diet, in the gym nearly everyday, waking up early - the results are clearly visible. But this past week I've just been tired and yesterday yesterday I learned my partner would be out of town all of Thursday and Friday.
Half of me celebrates the idea of the opportunity of a cheat day. Food, booze, videogames - all to excess. The other half is totally repulsed by such a lapse in judgement. The trickster whispers and begs for just an inch. To go back to my favorite bar, grab a couple of pints and have a big juicy burger before going back home and getting to bed early. Of course the trickster can't be trusted.
I was wondering any advice any of ya'll would have to get through just one more tough day to keep the trend going?

Joined this company last Jan as an intern and was converted to a full-time role in July but I'm tired of working here. The pay is good, benefits are good, but just not enjoying the work I am getting. Everyday feels like a burden. I've applied for MS to universities, but not a single accept yet. Thinking of switching if I don't hear back from rest of universities.

Hey everyone. I had an emergency laparoscopy mid November which diagnosed a chocolate cyst huge ovaries and stage 4 endometriosis.
Took 1 week off then back to work.
End of Jan/8 weeks ago I had an excision surgery (including bowel surgery) to remove the tissue. They got all the tissue out successfully, it took about 4 hours.
I took 3.5 weeks off work, went back to work (office job, working from home) was exhausted after 4 days so had to take another week off. Heaps of pain Meds for the first 4 weeks but mostly nothing now.
I've been back since early March now. Pain wise I'm okay and the scars are fine but I'm totally exhausted! Like having to turn the lights off at 9pm exhausted. I'm also having some intense bladder pain which has been investigated and its emptying normal, no infections and I've done 3 rounds of antibiotics.
I seemed to be doing better but then went back downhill after I'd been back at for for 10 days or so.
Has anyone else had a similar story? I'm doing everything I can think of to recover - healthy diet, supplements, rest etc. I'm partly wondering if just the stress of being under anesthesia for 4 hours at each surgery, less than 3 months apart and then all the drugs have knocked me out a bit?
I also had a catheter in for 24 hours and had very intense bladder pain for 1.5 weeks after it came out, my gp theory is that it's been bruised (I'm seeing a urogynea soon)
Since the Jan op I've had 4 periods so I'm taking iron. We really want to ttc and the surgeon told me to start ASAP but I can't imagine being any more tired than I am now with early pregnancy!
If you were also totally wiped out, when did you start to pick up again?

I feel like this pathetic imitation of my normal self. I initiated the breakup but he forced my hand. I didn't recognise this cold, aloof man anymore. He treated me like a princess. Now he treats me with utter contempt. My heart is broken. Initally I was relieved and coping well. But now 4 days have past and I saw him back on Tinder.
I hadn't cried in 2 days and now I can't stop. I got weak and asked for a hug and a cuddle. He said he didn't want to ,he was too tired. I said OK and then sobbed and sobbed in my room. He heard me and took pity on me and asked me to come cuddle, but I could tell he didn't want to. I felt gross. I just wanted someone, anyone, to comfort me but it was midnight and our roommates were in bed by now. I can't understand why he went from adoring me to seeing me as a nuisance. I miss it so much. I worry this is me, men think I'm great until they get to know me. I want my self respect back. I know I made the right decision and this situation further proves it. How do I get my dignity back?
TLDR: acted weak in front of my ex. How do I pretend to be strong?

Hi there. I made the rookie mistake of buying something through an online TikTok small business back in January. Now the seller continually lies about sending me my refund. I don’t know what legal action I can take.
I purchased the item in January from a small business located in Germany. I live in New Zealand. The processing time was a few weeks, which made sense to me as it’s a small business. I didn’t mind, ordered, and forgot about it.
After a few weeks, I received an email from the seller which said that DHL had lost a bunch of their shipments and they would be sending out refunds. We simply had to email her and she would refund us within 2 weeks.
2 weeks go by, and I hear nothing. I email her but get no response. I go to her social media and notice others complaint about her lack of communication. I reach out to her through social media and she tells me that the refunds will be going out within the next 2 days. It never comes.
This pattern repeats for several more weeks. She promises refunds, they never come. It got to the point where so many people were complaining that she sent out a second mass email stating that all refunds would be going through in the next 5 business days. I’m sure you can guess what happened - the money never came.
At this point it’s been nearly 3 months and I’m tired of the lies. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this or what the legality of this is I would really appreciate it.

(Cross posting from pregnant, didn't know about this sub before)
I hope this is okay to post here, I feel like I can't talk about this with many people.
In January, I had a miscarriage, and it was a really traumatic one. I was just under 8 weeks along, and it happened the day after we had just told friends and family.
Well, four weeks later - my hormones are getting back to normal according to blood tests. I was waiting and waiting for my period to come, had the sore boobs, the headaches daily, the random cramping, so I figured my period would be there any second. 1 day late suddenly turned into 25 days late. I read online that sometimes it can take 2 months for your period to come back so I figured it was a hormonal imbalance and didn't think about it.
I decided to take a test to ease my anxiety, but it came back positive. I'm pregnant again. I had such mixed emotions because I had just spoken to my husband about maybe waiting for a few months. It had taken us 12 months to get pregnant the first time.
And this one is so, so different to the first one. The first time I had cramping every day, random spotting at 5 weeks (heard the heartbeat), intense anxiety (way more than normal, and randomly too), barely any nausea, but was so fucking fatigued I could barely function. This time there's no cramping or spotting, at least not to the extent that I had it before.
My husband said that it's probably a good thing, it wasn't normal the first time to be in that much pain. I can't help being anxious about it all now. I keep thinking that because I'm not suffering, because I'm not in pain and tired all the time, that the foetus isn't viable. I worry that I'm going to lose my pregnancy symptoms again and I'll have lulled myself into feeling happy for something that just isn't going to happen.
There's no real question here or anything. Just a vent. I feel like I'm still mourning the loss of what could have been, and now I'm being thrown into it all over again.

So there were three days where we went on a short holiday with one of my friend, his girlfriend and my girlfriend. They had an argument, I did not fully take one's side and now it's getting worse.
The story :
One day, me and my girlfriend wanted to go spend a week-end on holiday, two hours away from where we live. I suggested we invited one of my friends and his girlfriend, who my girlfriend had known at the time and was getting along with. At first, she was reluctant because she had a lot of work and was willing to go only if she was allowed to work. I tried to convince her, and we agreed to go with them.
From now on, here are the names I'll use (not real names) : my (20) gf is Gabrielle, 20, and we've been together for a year and a half. My friend is Josh, 21, and I've known him for 8 years, and his gf is Hannah, 20, and they've been together for something like 6 months.
The plan was as follows : go get Gabrielle 45 mins away from our home town, get some groceries, then drive to the destination for two hours. Upon arrival, I realized I had the wrong keys, so I had to awkwardly apologize, call my parents to let them know, and go to another apartment for which I had the keys. The next day, we met with my uncle who was also spending a few days near us and had the keys to the first apartment. We headed back to the initial place, spent a day there and got back home.
Here is what went wrong :
First thing, of course, I had forgotten the key, which clearly started things wrong, I know that. Gabrielle was angry because I was not taking action fast enough and not apologizing, since I did not know how to react at first.
After that, we had to cook for dinner, which went fine, we had a drink and headed to bed. The next morning, Gabrielle had to work, but we had just finished eating breakfast and were doing some kid's puzzles for fun. She told me she was not happy about it because she didn't have enough room on the table and it was too noisy. She thought we should have either been more quiet or go do something on our own, since we agreed she had to work. After 30 minutes or so, Josh and Hannah went to their bedroom and I had to do the dishes on my own. When they got back, they helped put about a plate and a fork in place at best, so not much help from them.
During the day, we met with my uncle, and headed to the second apartment. We got our stuff out of the car, set everything up and ate some left-overs for dinner. I don't quite remember what happened during the afternoon, but I know it wasn't that interesting, it was pouring and Gabrielle was working.
In the evening, no one was starting to cook dinner. Gabrielle was hungry and as she finished working, she came in the living room asking why no one was getting dinner ready. Josh and Hannah started cooking, and I cleaned the area, dressed the table, etc.
Dinner was taking way too long to get done (everyone agrees on that), which Gabrielle was not happy about later on. When she came back one hour later, she started handling the cooking since it was too slow. After dinner, everyone headed to bed because of how late it was.
The next morning, I was again doing all the dishes of the previous day alone. At the point, Gabrielle was getting mad because it was not an environment in which she was able to work, and Josh and Hannah were way too chill for her. She needed to have a more stable schedule (not eat super late, not have to play the mom for things to get done, etc). I told her that she had to work and they wanted to relax, and everyone wanted to spend their holiday how they pleased. She had to understand that they wanted to relax, and they had to understand that she had to work.
Josh and Hannah woke up very late, pretty much ate breakfast instead of dinner, and it messed up the entire schedule. At this point, we hadn't gone out at all, didn't check anything out (even though we knew the area pretty well) and Gabrielle was getting fed up. In the afternoon, we had an argument, and she decided she wanted to go back home by train (which would almost take 4 hours). We were planning on leaving at around 5.30pm, and it was 2pm. I told her it was not a good choice, and she told me she was tired of Josh and Hannah not helping around and generally us not being responsible.
We were arguing outside and when we got back to the apartment, Josh and Hannah had not done much to clean the place : they basically packed their own stuff and that's it. They said they were heading outside for a walk since we did the same and came back 20 minutes later.
When they left, Gabrielle was basically raging. She screamed loudly that my friends are assholes, they fucked up the holiday, she didn't want to see them again, she was not going on holiday with them again, etc. I said I understood and agreed that they didn't help much but she didn't have to scream like this. For context : she started screaming when Josh and Hannah left the place, so they heard her for a few seconds while walking down the stairs.
A few minutes after they came back, she packed her bags. She was about to go get the first commute to the nearest station, and Josh asked her why she didn't even say goodbye. She did, said sorry for not saying it and that she was very mad about what they did. I walked with her to her commute and she left.
I got back to the apartment and told Josh and Hannah that she was fed up of all this. Josh said that she had to calm down and asked me how our relationship was going. I said that even I did not know, since she often gets mad (not as hard as she did during the holidays though) and it feels like we do not understand each other. We discussed a bit, cleaned the apartment and headed outside to leave.
At this point, I asked Gabrielle where she was at. She said she and the people around her had missed the train since the doors were closed and no one could open them. I suggested we come pick her up, since she had 4 hours of train to do and we only had 2 hours by car. I asked Josh if he was okay since he was the one driving, he said yes but that he wasn't pleased about it. We picked her up and got back home.
[FAST FORWARD 1 MONTH LATER TO TODAY]
My group of friends are heading out tonight, and Josh said he wasn't feeling like inviting Gabrielle until this was sorted out. He asked me if I wanted to join the message group since Gabrielle wasn't on it. I said yes but that I didn't know what to do at this point. I didn't read the messages and waited for the week-end to talk to Gabrielle about it (she studies in another city and her week was already stressful enough).
Gabrielle is still mad that they made a group without her, which I understand to be honest. I probably shouldn't have joined it. She's saying I shouldn't go out with them because I should be on her side, or that I should bring up the subject if I go out. I told her that I didn't think bringing this up with the group was a good idea, but she's really mad that I did not defend her more.
She has already had a discussion with Josh where they argued. They then had another discussion a few hours later and she said it was somewhat sorted out. She apologized for getting so mad, but he didn't quite apologize for not helping around.
My point of view is that I don't want to fully take one's side. I think she shouldn't have screamed bad stuff about Josh and Hannah, that they should have helped more and we generally should have been better organized. I don't want to sacrifice Gabrielle for my friends, and I don't want to sacrifice my friends for Gabrielle.
She's still mad at me for not being on her side, and according to her, being on her side doesn't mean I must think she was right to be so mad. Pretty much like a kid engaging a fight and the other kid defending himself : taking the second's kid side doesn't mean you think he should have hit back, but I don't see how this resembles our situation.
TL;DR : my girlfriend is mad that I didn't take her side in an argument with my friends. I don't think I should have fully taken either's side and she's mad about it.
What are you guys' opinion ? Should I have been more on her side ? How should I have reacted ? What have I done wrong ? How can I repair the damage ?

Delete if not allowed.
Hi there. I made the rookie mistake of buying something through an online TikTok small business back in January. Now the seller continually lies about sending me my refund. I don’t know what legal action I can take.
I purchased the item in January from a small business located in Germany. I live in New Zealand. The processing time was a few weeks, which made sense to me as it’s a small business. I didn’t mind, ordered, and forgot about it.
After a few weeks, I received an email from the seller which said that DHL had lost a bunch of their shipments and they would be sending out refunds. We simply had to email her and she would refund us within 2 weeks.
2 weeks go by, and I hear nothing. I email her but get no response. I go to her social media and notice others complaining about her lack of communication. I reach out to her through social media and she tells me that the refunds will be going out within the next 2 days. It never comes.
This pattern repeats for several more weeks. She promises refunds, they never come. It got to the point where so many people were complaining that she sent out a second mass email stating that all refunds would be going through in the next 5 business days. I’m sure you can guess what happened - the money never came.
At this point it’s been nearly 3 months and I’m tired of the lies. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this or what the legality of this is I would really appreciate it.
EDIT: I have contacted my bank about disputing the charge and they’re already onto it but they’ve said it will take a while. I’m just looking to see if there’s any other solutions/what the legality is of them lying about refunding me.