I started Lyrica 5 months ago for Generalized Anxiety Disorder and it actually worked pretty well. Started at 150mg (75mg x 2) daily and eventually tapered up to 300mg (100mg x 3) daily.
I would randomly get bad insomnia and feel sick with headaches, nausea, and increased anxiety, which were all most likely enhanced by sleep deprivation.
Finally figured out it was just varying levels of withdrawal due to me taking only 1 or 2 doses a day instead of 3.
The last straw was when I recently left town to visit family for almost a week forgetting my Pregabalin. That was the worst, I felt like a zombie no sleep and didn't enjoy myself. Thankfully I'm also prescribed 0.5mg Xanax as needed and it allowed me a couple hours of sleep here and there.
Took my Lyrica the second I got home and felt 100% better a few hours later.
I absolutely hate the negative side effects of this drug if you don't stick to a perfect schedule.
I made it almost a week without it before and somehow managed, so I just wanted to stop ASAP. The thought of tapering down for weeks or even months just was not an option I wanted to deal with.
It's really not as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe that's due to my dosage and only taking it for 5 months. I believe the worst is definitely behind and it's the best decision I ever made!
Quitting cold turkey is usually not recommended, but my psychiatrist gave me the green light and I'm keeping her updated. It's definitely possible to do with only mild to moderate withdrawal, and I can say I'm done for good!

The world of book publishing has evolved significantly over the past decade. With the rise of digital platforms and the increasing accessibility of self-publishing services, more and more authors are choosing to take control of their own publishing journey. However, the self-publishing landscape can be confusing, with different options and services available. In this blog post, we will explore the differences between self-publishing and print-on-demand services, and help you decide which option is best for you.
Self-Publishing:
Self-publishing is the process of publishing a book without the involvement of a traditional publishing company. This means that the author is responsible for everything from writing and editing to formatting and distribution. While self-publishing can be a daunting process, it also offers a lot of freedom and control to the author. Self-publishing allows authors to maintain creative control over their work and earn a higher percentage of royalties.
The best self-publishing companies and platforms offer a variety of services, including editing, formatting, cover design, and distribution. Some of the most popular self-publishing companies include Amazon's Kindle Direct Publishing, Smashwords, and Draft2Digital. These companies offer free publishing sites and tools that make it easy for authors to self-publish their books on various digital platforms, including Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Kobo.
Print on Demand:
Print on Demand (POD) is a type of book publishing companies that allows authors to print and distribute physical copies of their books on an as-needed basis. This means that books are only printed when a customer places an order, eliminating the need for large print runs and the associated costs. POD services also offer distribution services, making it easy for authors to sell their books online and in physical bookstores.
The best print on demand companies offer a variety of services, including printing, distribution, and marketing. Some of the most popular print on demand companies include IngramSpark, Lulu, and Blurb. These companies offer a range of options for authors, including paperback and hardcover printing, and the ability to print in different sizes and formats.
So, which option is best for you?
The answer to this question depends on your goals as an author. If you are looking for free publishing sites complete creative control over your work and want to earn a higher percentage of royalties, then self-publishing may be the best option for you. On the other hand, if you are looking for a more traditional publishing experience and want to have physical copies of your book available for sale, then print on demand may be the better choice.
In conclusion, self-publishing how to self publishing a book , steps to self publishing a book and print on demand are both viable publishing companies options for authors looking to publish their own books. The best self-publishing companies and platforms, as well as print on demand services, offer a range of tools and services to help authors achieve their goals. Whether you choose to self-publish or use a print on demand service, it's important to do your research and find the option that works best for you.

Background
With the development of society， the progress of science and technology, Intelligent TFT Screen HMI is gradually changing people’s life. Nowadays, because low-carbon life and environmental protection are becoming more and more popular, and in order to avoid traffic jams, more and more people choose public transportation for traveling. Subway and bus have become the best choices in most people’s life. And compared with the subway, the bus coverage is wider and the number is very considerable.
Ten years ago, taking a bus could only be done with a bus card or cash. But now, there are more and more new ways to travel, such as scanning the code and using the mobile phone. The interface has also changed, from the old black and white, monochrome screens to brightly colored ones with voice prompts.

Comparison Between The 2 Kinds Of Intelligent TFT Screen

Old Bus Fare Collection System

Older screens have only two colors, so when viewed with the naked eye, the content wasn’t clearly partitioned enough to get the information you wanted directly. Color screens can display different colors according to different contents, and can also have artistic word effects and voice prompt effects. So that passengers can immediately know the balance in the card at the moment of swiping the card, and can instantly confirm the success of payment when scanning the code. As for black and white screens or monochrome intelligent TFT screens, their colors are monotonous. So it is difficult to make the intelligent TFT screen go with the shell color. Naturally, it would be difficult to make the product beautiful.

New Bus Fare Collection System

However, color intelligent TFT screen can display a variety of colors. For example, our intelligent TFT screen can display at least 65000 kinds of color. And equipped with a chip driver, the third generation intelligent TFT screen can display more than 16 million colors, greatly increasing the free space of the designer. Besides, users can design the whole appearance of an inductor, according to their color preferences. And then design the presentation style and dominant tone of the intelligent TFT screen to achieve perfect matches. Products that have a better look will naturally be more likely chosen.
The color screen solution can not only show the basic content of the bus fare collection machine but also show the screen saver when it is not frequently used. We can make full use of the screen saver to advertise for public welfare when it is lit. Our intelligent screens also support external Wi-Fi, which enables remote updating of the firmware in the bus fare collection machine.
Our intelligent TF screens are color LCD modules integrated with the driver. They are not just color TFT LCD screens.

A Module Is Mainly Composed Of The Following Parts:

A TFT LCD screen, which allows us to see in color;
An iron frame, which gives the LCD a protection layer;
An MCU& diver, which makes screen development easy.
An optional touch screen (there is no need for a touch screen on a bus fare collection machine).

More About STONE TECH

At present, the volume of monochrome intelligent TFT screens on the market is decreasing year by year, and the reduction of production capacity further leads to unstable supply and price increases. The color TFT screen is just the opposite, the annual shipments are growing rapidly, but the price is decreasing year by year.
STONE TECH currently has a science and technology park with a construction area of 6,000 square meters in Wuhan, with 3 production lines and 100,000 pcs monthly capacity. We have independent R&D and production capabilities. Provide one-stop intelligent TFT screen HMI solutions.
One of STONE’s advantages is that we can provide long-term stable supply while providing high-quality design and supporting services. And the price is only affected by exchange rate fluctuations, which has won the trust and praise of users.
Article Source： https://www.stoneitech.com/stone-intelligent-tft-screen-to-bus-fare-collection-machine/

Running a small business can be a challenging task, especially when it comes to managing your operations and increasing your profits. However, with the right strategies in place, you can streamline your operations and achieve higher profits. In this blog, we will discuss five effective ways to streamline your small business operations and increase profits.
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Automate Your Business Processes

Automation is one of the best ways to streamline your business operations and reduce the time and effort required to complete repetitive tasks. By automating your business processes, you can eliminate manual errors and improve the accuracy and efficiency of your operations. You can automate various business processes, including accounting, payroll, inventory management, customer service, and marketing. For example, you can use accounting software to automate your financial tasks, such as invoicing, bill payments, and tax calculations. Similarly, you can use marketing automation tools to automate your email marketing campaigns, social media posts, and lead generation efforts.
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Outsource Non-Core Functions

Outsourcing is another effective way to streamline your small business operations and reduce your workload. By outsourcing non-core functions, such as human resources, IT, customer support, and accounting, you can free up your time and focus on your core business activities. Outsourcing can also help you save money by reducing your overhead costs and avoiding the need to hire additional staff. When outsourcing, it's essential to choose reliable and trustworthy partners who can provide high-quality services at a reasonable cost.
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Implement Cloud-Based Technology

Cloud-based technology has revolutionized the way businesses operate, and it can help streamline your operations and increase your profits. With cloud-based technology, you can access your business data and applications from anywhere, at any time, using any device with an internet connection. This flexibility allows you to work remotely, collaborate with your team members, and provide better customer service. Cloud-based technology also provides secure and scalable storage solutions, reducing the need for expensive on-premises hardware and software.
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Improve Your Supply Chain Management

Effective supply chain management is essential for streamlining your operations and maximizing your profits. By optimizing your supply chain, you can reduce your inventory costs, minimize waste, and improve your delivery times. You can achieve this by using demand forecasting tools to predict future demand, working closely with your suppliers to ensure timely delivery of goods, and implementing efficient inventory management systems. Additionally, you can use technology such as barcodes, RFID tags, and GPS tracking to monitor your supply chain and improve visibility.
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Use Data Analytics to Make Informed Decisions

Data analytics can provide valuable insights into your business operations and help you make informed decisions. By collecting and analyzing data from your sales, marketing, customer service, and other business functions, you can identify trends, patterns, and areas for improvement. This information can help you optimize your operations, reduce costs, and increase your profits. You can use data analytics tools to track your key performance indicators (KPIs), such as revenue, profit margins, customer retention, and employee productivity.
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In conclusion, by implementing these five strategies, you can streamline your small business operations and increase your profits. Automation, outsourcing, cloud-based technology, supply chain management, and data analytics are all powerful tools that can help you achieve your business goals. By using these tools effectively, you can stay competitive, improve your customer experience, and grow your business.

I know at the moment there is an absolute boom in the mental health sector and the demand for psychologists is absolutely insane at the moment, but I believe that in a few years that won’t be the case.
Simply because I feel like so many people are going to see a psychologist not understanding that it’s not just complaining and venting then going home, and when people realise they have to do actual work for therapy they will just quit.
I feel like the increase in mental health awareness is just a fad like any other change that happens in society and when people realise “working on yourself” means actually doing work… then people will move on

Life comes in many flavours, and each day we face many questions. Some of these questions are judgements. And some of these judgements involve others in significant and meaningful ways. On the one hand, we seek to satisfy our personal needs -- self-determination -- while maintaining a sense of virtue -- compassion and justice. For many, there is too much injustice and suffering just to ignore. On the other hand, balancing the needs of us and them beckons honest appraisal of situations and people. But where and how should our finger be pointed?

Core psychology of blame

Among the very earliest struggles in a person's life is the process of ego development. In its simplest, ego is about separating good from bad, self from other. Various theories and models strive to explain the ego, or its development, from various perspectives. For the purposes here, I will be referencing object relations theory, which is part psychoanalytic psychology and deals with very early development, starting at birth. A few things will be slightly simplified to keep the text concise.
Within this theory, the first several months involve what is termed the paranoid-schizoid position. The "schizoid" aspect refers to a cognitive-emotional process known as splitting. This is where external objects, including people, are split into opposing mental parts -- to form part objects, or the "good object" version and the "bad object" version of each meaningful external object or phenomenon. For example, when the caregiver is gratifying to the infant, that part object is the "good caretaker"; and when not so gratifying, that caretaker is the "bad caretaker". At this stage of development and understanding, these two "part objects" are not seen as from the same source. Rather, each is a separate thing appearing and disappearing as circumstances and feelings change. The key word here is separation, which we will come back to later.
The other aspect of the paranoid-schizoid position -- the "paranoid" aspect -- refers to a curious side effect of splitting everything into "good" and "bad". Because each "part object" is either all good, or all bad, and because the appearance and disappearance of these mysterious entities is more-or-less out of control, the infant begins to resent and fear the bad objects that keep happening. That is, the baby hates the bad objects but loves the good objects. This is perhaps the very first stage of moral awareness -- raw, albeit mistaken judgement; love the good; hate the bad; pure, uninhibited attraction and repulsion. As a result, or side effect, of these negative or aggressive feelings toward "the bad", the baby may fear possible persecution, invoking paranoia. Strange though that may sound, there is a bit more to it.
Splitting, as between the mentioned "good" and "bad" objects, is only half the story. The other half of splitting is between "good self" and "bad self". That is, because in the paranoid-schizoid position, objects are temporary and impermanent, so too is the self temporary and fleeting. Moreover, the self is either in comfort, or in distress, giving either "good self" or "bad self" -- depending on circumstance. Since the "good self" appears with the "good object", and likewise the "bad self" with the "bad object", the child fears the appearance of the "bad object" even more. This is because its presence entails essentially collapse of the previous self-concept, as if to enter a realm of deserved persecution for being the "bad self" -- and hence the emergence of paranoia.
On an interesting aside, this manner of judging objects and selves as good or bad based solely on whether one is currently in comfort or pain is the essence of Stage 1 in Lawrence Kohlberg's stages of moral development. This is a theory on the progression of individuals throughout life in moral reasoning. Stage 1, termed obedience and punishment orientation, judges those in trouble or pain as inherently bad. In many cases, this view basically blames the victim. Further, this type of reasoning is essentially the basis for the "might makes right" mindset seen in some cases of antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). One thing to keep in mind is that we all start there, but not everyone stays there. In this way, having crude moral reasoning later in life is effectively a sign of delayed or regressed development, much like a disability -- ie. "morally disabled".

Completing the person

Eventually, the child will reach a point in development where objects become whole and persistent, able to have simultaneously negative and positive qualities. Objects or people may take on accounts, or balances, allowing for consideration of simple reciprocity, including guilt and reparation. Self and caregiver become distinct entities, where "good" self is no longer lost each time caregiver is absent or busy. Assuming successful progression, blame and judgement is no longer split dichotically between two extremes. Otherwise a new type of splitting is come, where objects and entities, though whole and persistent, are either idealised or devalued.
An important key trend exists between consecutive steps of ego development. This is the trend of expanding persistence and relatedness. In the part-object stage, objects appear and vanish -- some good, some bad. These raw appearances are neither persistent, nor related. In the whole-object stage, objects become persistent, although at first not really related. Because of this initial lack of relation, the secondary type of splitting -- idealisation and devaluation -- is still likely. Basically, since one person or object is fundamentally unrelated to another, including the self, there is "no harm" in seeing one as all good, and another as all bad. Without a stabilising relation, moral judgements can be whimsical yet extreme. A person or object may alternate between being embraced and discarded, depending on present feelings or arrangements. But what makes a stabilising relation?
In general, stabilising relations develop naturally through observation and reason. For example, a caregiver may through time be taken as an intrinsic part of one's need for support. Or a sibling may eventually be seen as fundamentally similar and related. But the building of these relations, or attachments, can be hindered by certain experiences or feelings. For instance, an unstable or unavailable caregiver may leave a child feeling resentment, shame, or guilt. These feelings may then get in the way of building an emotional bond. The resulting lack of security, mixed with possible shame or guilt for not being good enough, may lead to maladaptive and unstable boundaries and self-definition. Some common results are narcissism and borderline personality -- the former as an escape mechanism from feelings of inadequacy, and the latter as unstable border-lines between what is embraced, and what is rejected. These early childhood misgivings can then live on subconsciously, infiltrating the psyche and its future engagements.

Competition and judgement

While the capacity for blame and hate may emerge, as described above, from fundamental urges of attraction and repulsion -- mixed with innate capacity for making inference -- there is another powerful instinct at play. Complex social animals have a built-in game of gene-selection and mate-selection. This game relies on a simple heuristic, or objective -- form competitive hierarchies, and select those at the top. The evolutionary assumption is that competition filters out less desirable code. Without reflection, this pre-configured notion may be taken at face value, often in fact elevated -- whether spoken or kept silent -- to something of religious adherence. But is the argument sound?
In simple times, back in the tribe, individuals tended to grow up closely-knit and fairly uniformly. Regardless which parents one had, pretty much everyone had access to the same quality of food, healthcare, and education. Tools and other amenities could readily be made or obtained by any abled body, often with only modest effort. As a result, there was, compared to modern times, an extremely even playing field. Very little interfered with the above premise that those who achieved success in social hierarchy likely had something special inside. Sure, luck still played a part, but that part was not only far less significant than today, but also far more visible for those of simple tribes. In probably most cases, everybody knew when someone had encountered bad fortune, as individual stories were less hidden.
In the current age, however, personal merit is vastly more obscured and mangled by deceptive forces. The range of disparity in childhood resources and care, the long duration of schooling needed to be competitive, and the sheer price of admission into money-making pursuits, completely destroy any legitimacy the heuristic of selection by social hierarchy may previously have had. Luck may have played a part back then, but today the part played by the lottery of placement into a particular family, time, and place is riddled with inequity. On top of all that, the behaviours and exploits that set one person atop the next are lost from sight through the complex labyrinth of time, legalese, and the unfathomable size of modern society. Hence, the basis of soundness behind judging merit on personal outcome is no longer something that can be supported with any honesty. To praise or blame based on social status and wealth is to partake in folly.

Entity and arrangement defined

Entities are mental objects, and their social accounts, pertaining to people, groups, aggregates, and other moral agents. I say mental objects for two basic reasons. One, individuals and groups change through time. As the saying goes:

"A person never steps into the same river twice; for on the second occasion, one is neither the same person, nor is it the same river" (paraphrased) ~ Heraclitus of Ephesus.

Two, while we may posit that physical substance seems to exist out there, beyond the mind, we nevertheless must work within our mental model, or worldview, when considering those entities and other things of material or mental reality. Hence, entities and objects can be cognised, or considered, solely as mental objects. This phenomenon of the mental becomes even more apparent when we consider the nature of not only being, but identity, character, and personal story. None of these, from what I can tell, can rightly be said to exist outside the mind. Each has arbitrary, situation-specific, and continually shifting boundaries and connotations.
Arrangements, in contrast, are sets of objects; entities; their relative positions; their internal configurations; and their relations and interactions. Arrangements are hence the frameworks in place either materially or logically between and within entities and or objects. Common examples include law, culture, contract, education, and social hierarchy -- but also the physical placement of people and things.
Not surprisingly, the arrangements in place have substantial influence on the outcomes for individuals and society. The same person lowered into two different cultures and circumstances can be expected to have a different time. Education, ideas, values, struggles, and relationships may all be completely changed. The combinations of butterfly effect, disparity of opportunity, and idiosyncratic accident leave open the door for a wide variety of possibility.

Splitting and blaming the entity

Before talking about what to blame, or how to blame it, we might consider some phenomena which may influence one's ability to make sound judgement. As discussed previously, early development can play a big part in both the way one perceives and understands the world, and also the way one feels about, and hence reacts to, situations and challenges within the world. So let us look at some such phenomena.
Splitting, in the post-infancy sense, is the viewing of mental objects -- including and especially people -- as either idealised all good, or devalued all bad. The primary hypothesis goes something along the lines that a child who felt insufficiently loved or attended during infancy and early childhood may develop an internalised sense of unworthiness -- perhaps shame or guilt. In simple terms, the child may internalise a judgement of "not good enough". Since early, particularly pre-linguistic experiences tend to be deeply-seated and hard-conditioned, the person later in life may not only have little if any recall of such experience, but likely has little ability to reflect or challenge the resulting feelings or cognitive distortions. Basically, the only remnant clearly visible may be the feelings and intuitions themselves -- sense of shame, guilt, and never being good enough. However, as with other inescapable negative feelings, the child or later person is prone to forming habits of escape. Most notably here, the person may partake in defence mechanisms, or unconscious patterns of perception and thinking that seek to turn off or escape uncomfortable or stressful cognitions.
Projection is among the most used defence mechanisms. It involves taking an unwanted feeling or judgement, and throwing it upon someone or something else. The idea is to distance oneself from such negative connotations. In the case of internalised shame or guilt of being "not good enough" during childhood, the person is likely to begin casting this judgement upon others. Unreasonable or unattainable standards may be adopted. The world itself may be viewed as inherently broken or untenable. In the case of splitting specifically, black-or-white, all-or-none thinking may be employed to polarise objects or people -- including oneself -- into all good or all bad -- idealisation or devaluation. This type of projection sorts others into something of angels and demons. Furthermore, as in borderline personality disorder, these dichotic judgements may switch regularly depending on current affairs. The key thing to remember here is that projection is done to escape unfaceable feelings or judgements about oneself. Use of this defence mechanism may shift blame from self to another, often in a way that is difficult or impossible for the user to see.
More broadly, splitting belongs to a class of phenomena known as cognitive distortions. In addition to all-or-none thinking, cognitive distortions include overgeneralising, disqualifying the positive, jumping to conclusions, exaggeration, perfectionism, personalisation, always being right, and labelling of others. Obviously these all have significant implications for how one judges others, and indeed how one places blame. For the discussion here, let us talk about one more of these.
Personalisation is when a person takes the blame personally, regardless what external factors may be at play. This style of attribution is inherently self-deprecatory. Alternatively, blame may be placed entirely on another person or group. The distortion here is not that blame is occurring, but that the object is always a conventional moral agent, such as a human or AI. Essentially, an individual with this style of attribution may have an irrational tendency to place blame on agents, rather than circumstances. The trick is understanding why this happens.
As it turns out, the psychology behind placing blame disproportionately on people and other agents, rather than arrangements, is driven by the instinct of social hierarchy. Like brought up earlier, people have a tendency to compare and compete, judging one another into hierarchies of better and worse -- more or less worthy. The more insecure a person feels, or the more internalised shame or sense of inadequacy one has, the more the person may be compelled to cast blame on others. Put simply, insecurity activates the instinct of social hierarchy.
There are some noteworthy side effects to the habit of blaming the agent. One is scapegoating, or the projection of a group's fears and insecurities onto an external object. In scapegoating, the object chosen is often little, if at all, related to the underlying problem or dysfunction. Rather, the group seeks to unload its insecurity onto an unlucky target. This behaviour is much like that done in narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). One might say that groups too, not just people, can have NPD. One common target of scapegoating is minorities, of pretty much any type, who are often blamed for internal inadequacies of the majority regime. Another side effect of blaming the agent is kicking the dog, or chain reactions of blame shifting where each rung of the social hierarchy blames the next rung, all the way to the dog. Similar to scapegoating, kicking the dog picks a target generally unable to defend itself. This style of attribution, moreover, is contagious within organisations, hindering legitimate consideration of how the true underlying issues can best be resolved.

False object of blame

A curious distortion of interest is blindly taking the mental as fact. In the extreme, there is a phenomenon known as psychic equivalence. This is common in children, where the imagined monster under the bed is believed surely to exist. The line between mental and external is still thin. While most older individuals are beyond such explicit equivalence, we nevertheless have no other option for understanding reality than what our mind beholds. Whether for positive or negative, when we see or imagine someone, we are never seeing the real person. What we witness is our mental model, or mental object, of the other. The same goes for their view of us. When they behold us, they are really beholding someone else -- a construct of their imagination. Likewise, when we judge or blame another, we are really blaming someone else -- a monster of our own creation. Sometimes it can help to remember that in our mental, we are all mental.

Another defence mechanism

Aside from cognitive distortions, another key issue stands in the way of finding truth. In order to resolve deeply-seated emotional baggage, that baggage has to be opened. Yet doing so can be both painful and confusing. The mind has another trick up its sleeve to avoid facing the rain -- intellectualisation. Many have heard of rationalisation, or the making up of good-sounding stories to explain otherwise irrational or emotion-based actions and choices. Intellectualisation is related, but distinct. Instead of making up stories to seem more rational, intellectualisation makes up complex frameworks and red herrings to distract oneself and others from getting too close to the underlying feeling. Just like for splitting, the usual root cause is believed to be insecure attachment during infancy and early childhood. The result, especially later in life, is the excessive overreliance on logic and complex frameworks to avoid looking inside toward emotion. Reason becomes a comfortable hideout from hideous feeling. This disposition prevents proper reflection, making it hard or impossible to stop idealising and devaluing others. After all, one cannot stop spilling pain until one finds the source of that pain.

Relation to free will

The notion of free will comes in many definitions. These can get technical. But one fairly common theme is what they seek to support -- often some type of personal, or entity-centric, responsibility or blame. Regardless whether logically sound, the pursuit is in many cases a rationalisation of the instinctual and emotional urges of social hierarchy and ego defence. Essentially, many debates about free will are really struggles, or disagreements, on the nature of blame, and to where it should aim. In general, the belief in free will -- regardless the definition chosen -- is argued in support of some type of entity attribution. Likewise, the disbelief in free will is usually argued in support of system attribution, or blaming the way society or culture is structured. A person may choose a definition specifically to assert the desired end -- a psychological phenomenon called motivated reasoning. This text will avoid choosing a definition, as the underlying principles of behaviour are more important.
A less known paradox exists within the bounds of psychological agency. As is regularly discussed in certain circles of spirituality, there exists a spectrum of self-boundary between immediate, local, relative and timeless, non-local, absolute. This mental state of contraction or expansion depends in part on the grasping or release of fear and attachment. For those unfamiliar, the felt sense of personal agency -- sometimes called doership -- and one's associated beliefs about personal causation, are prone to change, or shift, depending on the present level of anxiety -- especially social and existential anxiety. There are two key aspects related to the sense of being in control.
The first aspect of interest is that of causal scope, or how far we trace the causes and influences behind any given event or decision. For example, as I type this, among the most immediate, or smallest causal scopes, is that of my finger pressing a key. Moving toward greater scope, we may consider that the arm is moving the finger. Further, of course, one might say the body is doing the typing. But the scope need not end there. We can trace back through the causal chains, finding all manner of influence. After all, why do I care about this? What social factors and life experiences influenced this cause? The more immediate the causal scope, the longer and more encumbered the causal chains. Hence, even though when afraid we may focus on the more immediate, hence feeling more in direct control, the more our felt boundaries of self and causality contract, the more short-sighted, distracted, and materially-bound we are. The paradox is in the inverted pyramid of influence atop our actions.
The second aspect relates to impulse and desire versus self-control and composure. Human desire may be divided broadly into basic animal instinct and social image. In Freudian terms, these would be id and ego. The former is often viewed as impulsive or animalistic; the latter as controlled and composed. A meaningful portion of pro-free will arguments seems to equate or compare the composure and planning of socially-conscious actions and choices as representative of the essence of "free will". That is, more "controlled" or deliberate actions were exercising greater free will than their more impulsive or animalistic counterparts. But is this assessment sensible?
On the one hand, being more socially aware likely helps to prevent being manipulated or impeded by others. Most would probably agree thus far. But on the other hand, the more we care about fitting in, or otherwise playing the game of social hierarchy, the more we submit ourselves to social norms and other hive behaviours. Essentially, the more we care about image, the more we let society control us. Despite this emotional tether, those with the biggest egos often proclaim the greatest sense of self-determination. Certainly one could argue that being on top of the hierarchy usually entails greater access to social amenities, some of which offering greater freedom. But there may be some right reservations here. Firstly, the enhanced freedom of high status often comes with enhanced fitment and scrutiny into the externally-defined social mould. This is not always the case, as for example with dictators. But secondly, the vast majority of those playing the ego game are neither in positions of status and power, nor emotionally secure enough to go their own way toward personal happiness. Perhaps most prominently, for most social animals, the hive provides only minimal amenity, and maximal loss of autonomy. Yet the internalised ego and self-concept obscure this reality by making cultural, emotional artifacts of socialisation -- especially during childhood -- appear as self-chosen. The person is thus a product of upbringing, but because these aspects of conditioning are so deep and unconscious, their effects are simply taken for granted as part of who one is. Hence, a second paradox exists in that what may appear as evidence for free will -- ego and composure -- is in fact the very thing enacting the long-seated will of the hive.
On a different note of the free will debate, there seems to be a phenomenon somewhat like "free will of the gaps", where any unknown of psychology or physics is received wholeheartedly as evidence for freedom. While no doubt one may never really know, particularly when stuck in the subjective mind-box, one might consider the effect of splitting, or black-and-white thinking. This habit may, without enough reflection, colour one's assessment of personal agency as either wholly existing, or wholly absent. This is not to say undue burden and other explicit interference is unregarded, but more that even the mere existence of randomness or unpredictability may be taken as sufficient reason to ward off the behavioural influences and effects known by modern psychology. Remember that splitting is driven by egoic insecurity, and that ego has vested interest in building the narrative which best places oneself in the social hierarchy of the mind. Impulsive or controlled, what we choose is there to satisfy instinct, whether animalistic, or socially-focused.

Blaming the arrangement

On the other side of inferred causation -- after instinct -- we have experience, conditioning, and circumstance. Experience and conditioning are carry-overs from past arrangement while circumstance reflects the present arrangement. For simplicity, I will place all three simply under arrangement. To borrow from earlier:

Arrangements ... are sets of objects; entities; their relative positions; their internal configurations; and their relations and interactions. Arrangements are hence the frameworks in place either materially or logically between and within entities and or objects. Common examples include law, culture, contract, education, and social hierarchy -- but also the physical placement of people and things.

With this definition in mind, what then does it mean to blame the arrangement, and what benefit does so doing provide?
First, let us consider the standard Western approach. When we blame the entity, we are accomplishing three fundamental ends:

1. declaring a point of causal significance;
2. downgrading social status;
3. offloading correction;

On the first point, blaming the entity cuts off past influences, including deficiencies and inequalities in access to essential resources like health, respect, education, and experience. One might wonder why respect is included here. But remember the types of issue that arise from internalised shame, guilt, and feelings of inadequacy. These live on subconsciously, causing non-obvious impairments in judgement and performance. Plus they harm health and performance through elevated stress hormones.
On the second point, blaming the entity lowers its public appraisal, thus cutting off access to the types of resources just mentioned.
On the third point, blaming the entity places the burden of correction squarely on the already broken component. For simple matters like enforcing social norms or decency, this type of blame is probably effective in most cases. But when we start looking at bigger matters, like health, education, intelligence, self-restraint, and general performance, the idea of forcing the suboptimal party to fix itself starts to break down. All these matters are heavily influenced by external circumstance through time. So telling the person to fix the resulting dysfunction is like telling them to rewrite their past environment, including their upbringing. Moreover, those from broken pasts are much more often the least supplied -- in both resource and knowhow -- to make things better.
And this brings us to blaming the arrangement. If instead of burdening and downgrading the unfortunate entity, we recognise the conditions of success and failure, we can apply legitimate effort toward enacting a better future. Obviously society as a whole is far better equipped to improve not only the outcome of tomorrow, but the conditions of today. Some of us, by chance, receive the winning hand. This may be in genetics, family configuration, area of schooling, or maybe just missing detrimental accidents and injuries. What sense does it make to hoard the helpings of fate, thus preventing the wealth of shared development and growth? In a world literally brimming with technological advancement, is it really better for the majority to live polarised as minority winners and majority losers?

Arguments

One might argue that blame and praise are natural and effective tools for motivation and modification of behaviour. Natural though they may be, these tools are premised on the limited knowledge and resources of tribal past. Like using a hammer to insert a screw, messy tools ought to be reserved for desperate times only. Modern medicine, psychology, and sociology offer a new toolbox, today readily available, for resolving problems with minimal collateral damage. True, not everyone has fair access to these modern amenities, and that is exactly why we need to stop blaming the victim. The technology is here. We simply need to open the gates.
Another common argument is that absent of pointing fingers, people would lose motivation, or stop caring. There may be some truth here. If we remove the whip from their backs, the slaves may begin to relax. But is that really a bad thing? Per-capita material output is already worlds higher due to automation and tooling. But artificial scarcity is brought in to "keep up the morale". This scarcity is largely in the form of wealth and income inequality, which ensure the true producers of wealth -- the workers -- are kept chasing their imagined carrot. The effect, in practice, is burnout and learned helplessness. The secondary effect is thus decreased performance, which is then "solved" with ever greater artificial scarcity, perpetuating the cycle of lies and suffering. Instead of entertaining a system of slavery with extra steps, why not more equally distribute the tools and technology of efficiency and success?
A darker argument that occasionally gets said out loud is that excessive competition and suffering help to weed out the less desirable traits. Often, it is proclaimed, nature wanted it that way. Ignoring the obvious lack of compassion, is this argument sound? The simple answer is no. The longer answer is not even a little. There are two main reasons. Firstly, the dirty game of filtering by social hierarchy was not only sloppy for its original environment of small tribes, but is completely unfit for modern, complex, abstract society. As explained previously, the legitimacy of individual merit is no longer known by fellow tribespeople. Wealth generation and extraction are too far removed and abstracted for proper outside judgement. And complex systems of power and propaganda further prevent equitable distribution of the fruits of labour. Secondly, the amount of time needed for such mechanisms of trait filtering to make an appreciable difference are substantially longer than the time from now before technology will allow superior selection of traits. There will be no need to compete in the sloppy ways of the past; nor any need to compete at all. The problem of selection is soon resolved. AI is entering the exponential phase. Petty and primitive worry about traits is irrelevant, for multiple reasons. If anything, those unable to understand this are unfit to be making policy decisions.
An argument which comes up enough to mention is that without blaming the entity, criminals would have free reign, able to do whatever they wanted without repercussions. This argument is missing something quite substantial about what is entailed by blaming the arrangement. Simply, if a certain person is believed to lack the self-control for certain situations or positions, that person will be kept away from those circumstances. A common example is driver's licensing, where one must earn the privilege by proving competence. And similarly to that, if someone is blatantly acting out and causing trouble, obviously they would be put somewhere safer. The key is rearranging circumstances as needed for best outcome while maintaining reasonable maximum personal autonomy -- without unnecessary harm, restraint, or loss of dignity. Yes, this is more involved in terms of resources and labour, but that is what technology is for. Naturally people prefer to have more privilege, and that alone is motivation enough to care.
And before someone accuses this approach of being or supporting a social credit system, we must make clear the difference. In social credit systems, blame is placed on the individual ! Sure, the factors used may involve family and acquaintance, but the burden of correction still goes to the person or small group. This is completely different from what is being proposed here.
A final argument relates to expense. On the surface -- especially from within the perspective of a system based on artificial scarcity and excessive wealth inequality -- the idea of having surplus means available for long-term planning may seem unfathomable. People's reluctance in this regard can be understood. But as mentioned above, we are presently, for presumably the first time in our recorded history, entering the age of exponential growth toward advanced artificial intelligence. Things are moving fast already, and both hardware and software are showing no slowing. If computational capacity continues to double regularly like it has for a long time now, we are probably looking at readily accessible post-human intelligence within five to ten years. Short of disaster or tyrannical interference, existing worries about labour and intellect shortage should soon evaporate. Yes, this time things are different. There is no known precedent.

Summary

Our natural instinct may tell us to blame the person. And Western culture may polarise this tendency to the extreme. But with a little understanding of why we feel the need to downsize others, we may be able to mend the splitting within us. Society may be designed around a game of hierarchy, but one need not partake. By knowing the factors that promote or inhibit wellbeing, and by using the knowledge and tools of modern, we can cast off the shallow assumptions behind us, to build something worth keeping. The first step is looking inside, to see the feeling that fears connection. Then we may look outside, to see that most are facing similar struggle. Situations are what make or break the person. If one should blame, blame the arrangement. The past may not be one for changing, but greater compassion today can find greater love tomorrow.

Information taken from https://tattle.life/wiki/lucy_letby_case_2/
Accused method of injury: air embolus
GA at birth 30 weeks, from what I can tell
Unit is noted to be busy with other twins and CPAPing babies
They attempted to place UVC x 2, with malposition (it doesn't mention what, but usually it means that it is in the liver or splenic vein) They left the 2nd UVC attempt in place, but they did not mention that it was pulled to low-lying.

• As background, you can place a UVC as normal or low-lying. Normal position is with the tip of the catheter above the diaphragm and is the preferred position for UVC. Low lying UVCs can be used in emergency situations, or if no other access can be obtained. Their correct position is just barely inserted into the umbilical cord, just until you get blood back, and then you need to get xrays to ensure it has not entered the liver. Any UVC in the liver needs to be immediately removed. It is never acceptable to ever infuse into the liver. (tldr: it needs to be above or below the liver, but never in the liver)

With the unsuccessful UVC, they placed a "long line" aka PICC.

• This is an IV that is inserted in the skin like normal, but instead of a short plastic piece that remains in the body, it's a long piece and is fed through the veins to sit outside the heart

It appears that maybe the baby was without fluids for ~4 hours, because of issues with the lines.

• There's a line of questioning about the fact that the child was urinating was "proof" that they didn't need fluids, but that's not true, as babies are born with extra water on board and need to pee that off, but they still need to be given fluids in the meanwhile - I'm not sure it is significant at all, but just to note the logic in the discussion was off

His clinical notes, written in retrospect at 9.30pm, record for 5pm: "UVC in situ on my arrival on NICU at 5pm. No definitive access at this point, so I've left in situ with plan to remove if long line sited or pull back to low position is long line not successful."

This is from the doctor who placed the lines, so he intentionally left a line, in the liver.

• This is not acceptable practice. If you need to leave the line for emergency access, you pull it back to low-lying immediately, you do not leave it in the liver, because there is a risk it could be used accidentally. If you administer fluids into the liver it can cause damage to the liver itself or cause bleeding/clots or other issues. I will emphasize again, it's never ok to leave a UVC in the liver. Pull it to low lying or remove it entirely, do not leave it in a dangerous position.

The PICC was pulled afteduring the "collapse"

He said: "That was my immediate thought. In hindsight...there was no possible link [between its insertion and the collapse]."

• Pulling the PICC was probably the right call. It is not true that there is no possible link, there's lots of possible links, but we don't have anything definitive.

From the descriptions, it sounds like baby desaturated first, then had bradycardia

• This is the normal way it happens in a NICU. Sats drop, then the HR. Almost all codes in NICU are respiratory based

They did chest compressions and epinephrine during the code. They don't mention how they administered the epi, since they had pulled the PICC and the UVC was in an incorrect position

• One suspicious thing is that the baby continued to decompensate after intubation. Often, that is a sign that the intubation was not done correctly and the breathing tube is in the esophagus, not the trachea.

They say the PICC was deep and needed pulled back

• This is significant because if a PICC is too deep and enters the heart, it can "tickle" the SA node, which is what controls heart rhythm. I have quite literally induced arrhythmias before accidentally by PICC/UVC. If you start getting a weird rhythm, you just immediately pull the line back. And if you have inserted a line and there's a weird rhythm and it's deep, it could absolutely be that. It would not show any "damage" or anything else on post mortems.

From the autopsy:

He comments "unusual findings" in gas and air found in the baby boy, including "a line of gas just in front of the spine".

They have not mentioned whether the PICC was in an upper extremity or lower. This could be important. A line of gas by the spine would be concerning for air in the line, though the first assumption would be that it was from insertion of the line.
This air was only seen post mortem though, which is more suspicious, just because a lot of stuff is done post mortem and the body starts to produce gas fairly quickly. Xrays from immediately after the code started showed no signs of air in unusual places.

• IMO, if there was an air embolism, it would have shown up then, not just post mortem.

Dr. Evans concluded that it was an embolism mainly because he couldn't find another clear cause of death

• BTW, this is not how emboli are diagnosed. Lots of NICU babies who die don't have "clear" causes of death beyond prematurity.

I can't say why Baby A died, IMO - I do not think it is a slam dunk that it was an intentional death. I see lots of different opportunities for little things to have gone wrong/contributed to the massive collapse.
I will also say, that while they are saying that LL was actively injecting air into the baby, there were other people nearby, which seems unusual to me, especially considering this is supposed to be her first "attack". Several of the cases make it pretty ballsy that she was basically attempting to murder babies while other people were watching.
As I have said before, I feel like they have tried to find anything they could conceivably try and pin on her, in order to make the insulin charges stick, because they do not have enough evidence for those, because of medical mismanagement by the doctors.
Of course, anyone is free to agree/disagree with my interpretation of events. :)
Overall, I don't think either side did a great job. Myer's is trying to open doubt wherever he can, but I feel like he doesn't have enough medical knowledge/guidance and is doing it too scattershot and not as logically as he could.
I have a lot of reservations about Dr. Evans, who is incredibly confident of his ideas and continually states there's no other possible explanations, even when there are. Plus he's not a neonatal expert. Just because he set up NICUs in the 70s and 80s does not mean he's a neo expert. He apparently solicited the police to look into these deaths, so I just have a lot of reservations about his "independent" status.
If you think I've missed something important, or have a disagreement, please bring it up!

i read that the Incentive Saver account needs a $50 growth to get the interest. can i still withdraw money from time to time when i have made the $50 increase for the month?
for example, i withdrew $100 on 5th march but received $1000 on 6th march from directshares, then withdrew money again after money was deposited in my account. will i still be eligible for the interest?

!Important!: this is a hypothetical question, I am not planning to do this at this time. Throwaway bc I don’t want this on my main. English is not my first language so there’ll be some mistakes. I really tend to ramble so I’m sorry bc this might be long.
I (23F) wasn’t someone who really drank alcohol when I was a teenager even though it was very popular (drinking some alcohol is legal in my country with 16, every alcohol is legal when you’re 18). I started really drinking when I was 19 bc I started University and my friend group was into it and I wanted to fit in. I like it for losing some inhibitions when we go dancing (and I mostly just like drinking in this situation) bc I really love it and have some insecurities (they definitely have gotten better so I feel like I might be okay without drinking and still have fun). I’m very rarely drunk, usually just tipsy.
Drinking was fine in the beginning. I wasn’t someone who didn’t have a hangover but it was usually okay enough so the drinking was still worth it. In the past half year to year I noticed that I feel really unwell after drinking. Like I won’t be able to do anything the next day, and drinking wouldn’t feel worth it afterwards. Drinking less wouldn’t help at all, except for lessening the nausea a little bit but all the other symptoms would stay (I’m not going to write about other symptoms bc I don’t want my friends to find this and figure out it’s me).
So I’m really thinking about stopping to drink alcohol at all. And while I know my friends (and probably my family) will totally be fine with this and respect my decision I am worried about other people. When I didn’t drink as a teenager I would get questions about it from random people and they wouldn’t accept my answers and try to give me alcohol. While I feel like this wouldn’t happen as often now that I’m older I’m still worried about it and feel like at some point there will be someone who will be an asshole and not accept my “normal” answer and be annoying. So wibta if I just said i am pregnant or have to drive (I don’t plan on being pregnant anytime soon and I don’t really drive)? Idk maybe that would be disrespectful to pregnant people? I feel like those reasons are socially more acceptable than just not wanting to.
Thank you for the answers that will hopefully come in!

Blow up the Institute. There are very good reasons for all 3 factions to, instead of literally blowing up the Institute and at best saving what few scientists would heed the evacuation order, to instead commence a hostile takeover of the Institute HQ for themselves, killing those that fight back, which would mostly be the branch heads, the Coursers, and Father, gaining control of the pre gen 3 synths to set their faction as “The Institute” and therefore stop attacking them and random wastelanders, and assuring the compliant scientists and faculty that all that is going to happen is a changing of the guard, with new goals that don’t abuse the wastelanders, or at least a “meet the new boss, same as the old boss” situation when it comes to the Brotherhood.
Minutemen: They can use Institute technology and the knowhow of the compliant scientists to rebuild the Commonwealth, exponentially increasing the rate of human development in the Commonwealth and the East Coast as a whole.
Railroad: They can personally control the Synth making process, to ensure that all future Synthkind is, instead of being slaves of the Institute, are allowed to pursue their own individual interests, as well as keeping track of all Synths to find and help the ones in need.
Brotherhood: Now, I know the Brotherhood finds the Synths to be abominations, but Synths aren’t the only thing the Institute makes. There is no reason why the Brotherhood, while definitely shutting down the Synth making process, wouldn’t recruit and integrate compliant scientists into the Brotherhood’s science team, like how they do with Madison Li, and to study and use Institute technology for their own devices, that literally being the main purpose of the Brotherhood, gathering, studying and archiving technology, paternalistically keeping it away from wastelanders while using it for their own purposes.
Blowing up the Institute is such caveman mentality. And I know, the average wastelander probably does want the Institute to be obliterated because all the Institute is for them is basically a post apocalyptic Gestapo, and they don’t know or care about anything salvageable from the Institute. But by that logic, we should destroy surviving Nazi era buildings in Germany because the Nazis built them.
On a final and unrelated note, you should’ve been able to, using your spouses DNA, revive them as a gen 3 Synth and use them as a companion.

Making money online has been in trend for the past decade and having the pandemic only accelerated the development process even more. If today you’re still not jumping on the bandwagon of making money online, then you might miss the opportunity of a lifetime.
​
Nowadays, there are many options to make money online, from selling online courses, products, designs, and many more; but one of the most profitable ways is by selling your website in a marketplace. According to data collected by SemRush, a website could even be worth more than $360,000, that’s more than a regular working-class make in a year.
​
In the past, with the lack of credibility and the undeveloped scheme of digital marketing, it wasn’t easy for someone to their sell websites. Luckily, this wasn’t the case anymore. There are many online marketplaces where you can sell your website without the need for expertise in sales or website development, and one of the prominent and largest marketplaces to do it is called Flippa.
​
Flippa will make the process of selling your website to be effortless and you can make money by selling a website as easy as selling your property.

How Much Money Do You Get From Selling Websites?

There are various factors to consider when selling your websites, such as domain name, revenue, content, and traffic. Each of them contributes to the pricing of your websites.
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The higher revenue and traffic to your website, the higher the price will be and the more unique and informative your website content, the higher the number of buyers and bidders will be. And all those factors, when managed well, could even increase your website price by more than 1000%.
How Much Will You Get?
When you sell your website on Flippa, there are a lot of points that Flippa assesses to judge the price of it. Some of them are traffic, growth, ranking, and revenue. Here are some examples of the websites sold in Flippa with their price and the reason behind their pricing

Selling a Website With No Traffic and No Revenue

The first website sold in Flippa that we’ll look deeper into is a website about finance and business called GetFinanceAdvice.com. The website was sold by auction at the price of $84, and here’s the reason why:
1. The website has a fresh domain
A website with a new domain will likely have a lower price for several reasons: it has not proven whether it’s lucrative or not, it doesn’t have any traffic yet, and the content is not unique.
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2. The website has three words domain
A shorter domain name will have a higher price since it’s more challenging to make. Also, people who want to buy a website usually look for a domain name based on the word count. The higher the word count, the fewer buyers will be interested.
3. The website uses high PPC keywords
A website with high PPC (Pay-Per-Click) keywords such as law, finance, and business, is harder to sell, especially when it’s a new website with no Domain Authority.

I (30f) have been with my bf (35m) for 8 years, lived together for 7.5. No kids, but cats that he will probably take, and an apartment that is definitely mine. Joint bank account, but not suuuper messy to clean up and separate. Unfortunately, I've thought this out.
My question is how do I leave my best friend in the least emotionally damaging way possible?
Some background: I have not 100% decided to leave, but I am preparing some things. It would be awesome to get some advice before I make this life changing decision. I'm trying my hardest to give him a few more weeks and some chances at therapy. We have always had a toxic relationship, but he's been there for me through the most important years of my life. He gets me in a way I don't think anyone else ever will, and I have a lot of fun just being with him, he's a very smart and interesting man, and I know he can be better than he's been for the past year. He is an empath and gets upset easily. He is also able to articulate his feelings well. I have diagnosed mental health issues and struggle to communicate. We fight on a near daily basis. Not always full on fights, but during a 15 day span recently, there were 10 of those days that he needed to sit me down and tell me about an issue he had. There were 17 issues total over that time span. On top of that, he lost his job 1.5 years ago and decided to do delivery gigs as a full time job. Soon after, I did the same and I'm making liveable money...for both of us. Because when I tell you he doesn't work/doesn't want to work, I'm saying he is literally contributing 10% of our household income, working about 7 hours per week. I only have a few surviving nenbers of my family, and I have no friends (assuming we aren't counting my therapist.)
How do I tell him that this isn't one of those toxic moments during a fight where I break up with him? That I have had enough of the pain? Most importantly, how do I tell MYSELF that it's time to be happy? That as much as I WANT things to work with every inch of my soul, they AREN'T and they WON'T? How do I convince myself that it is time? And not to stop him from leaving, because I honestly really just want to hug him?
This hurts so much, to want both lives so badly. The peace, or the love?
Tldr; I'm having an existential crisis about possibly leaving the person who could be my soul mate, and I don't know how to convince myself that things won't improve.

okay so i yeeted yesterday to half styro half beans ish so the beans were sticking out on one side of the yeet and the styro side i could see a purple thing which i assumed was a vein but i didnt touch it and wrapped it as normal. today when i was taking the bandage off it was sooo stuck to the yeet so i tried soaking it in warm water and slowly wiggling it and stuff but it genuinely looked like it had become fused with my wound?? so i just had to pull it off as gently as i could even tho it stung and i think it ended up nicking a bit of the vein bc it started bleeding so much, the blood was so dark and i could see something slightly poking out the wound where the darker blood was flowing from. i know veins are super serious and i did lose quite a bit of blood in just a 2 hours (completely filled up two panty liners and one regular pad - it was the only thing i had) but i have it under control now and if it does get worse i will definitely go to the hospital but basically im just so baffled that taking off a bandage nicked a vein
edit: typo

Disclaimer this is going to be a long post sorry in advance
To preface: 22 yr old female. Started period late at age 14 and terrible excruciating debilitating cramps on my period. My period lasted about 10 days (heavy bleeding). Family history of endo. My gyno said that I was not cycling for enough years to determine if I had endo. I started BC at 18 and have had light cramping and 3 day long periods since being on the pill.
Fast forward to Dec 2021 (2 years being on bc) I had my first experience of blood in my urine. Saw a urologist and at first I thought it was a kidney stone but that would later be ruled out. Negative for UTI. After this experience I had the full work up done, labs, ct with contrast, ultrasound, cystoscope, and multiple urinalysis… all came back perfect. My urologist had thrown around the term IC but never gave that definitively. Basically just said we will keep an eye on it.
Went basically a full year with no problems. Saw my urologist every three months for a check in and everything was seeming fine. The only complaint I had was the occasional urinary pain after intercourse (this matters for later). But would always come back with negative uti results.
Beginning of Dec 2022 had my second experience with blood in my urine and this time it was bright bright red blood. Was put on Cipro while we ruled out uti. The result came back and I was told that I did in fact have a very bad uti this time and was then switched to a different antibiotic since Cirpo wouldn’t treat e.coli and was told all symptoms would clear up. Everything seemed fine and gone until the very last day of the month with the symptoms came right back. This was drying new years so all doctors were closed. I called my primary’s pager number in hopes to just get an antibiotic started while I waited for an appointment at the urology office. She wrote me a script for cipro……. Took that for a week since I was now on a vacation and never got called with my urine results. Turned out the e.coli never went away but I found this out after that course of cipro antibiotic. Min January(2023) I was started on a completely different antibiotic, which I would take 10 days and then back to the office to get retested and make sure the infection is gone. This time it was, urine came back negative and all clear of any infection.
February 2023 I started feeling all the symptoms of another uti. Luckily was scheduled for a routine check in with my gyno and she went ahead and tested my urine. Negative for uti but she did find trace signs of blood in my urine. At this point I was thinking could I have a yeast infection from all the antibiotics? She did a full work up; negative for all STI, BV, and a yeast infection. After a week the symptoms just subsided on their own.
March 2023 the uti symptoms are back. Been in agony for a week now feeling like I have a uti and have just waited to see if it will go away on its own. I’ve avoid the doctors bc I’m just tired of hearing that it’s nothing.
I went back into the record I’ve been keeping of each time I’ve had these uti symptoms and it’s is always between 8-10 days before or 5-10 days after my period. Is this a coincidence? I feel like my bladder isn’t empty and have the constant urge to pee. I have excruciating pain when I do go pee but no blood luckily. I feel more relief from the uti sensations when I’m on my period I think. My periods are now light and not painful but I’m on BC. I do experience pain during intercourse. I’m thinking maybe endo?
I’m at a total loss at this point and I feel like I have no answers. Should I push for an exploratory laparoscopy to look for lesions? Has anyone had a similar experience? I’d appreciate any feedback, and thank you if you read this far.

I am the 'head protector' of the system as I like to call myself. These last few months have been a real rollercoaster as we discovered that we are probably at least plural (definitely past childhood trauma) and then an alter outing us within the first few weeks of realization and then some shit surrounding parents and not believing us.
I have been thinking about how to say this for a while, but here I am. I don't know how to say this other than this is very confusing and we honestly don't know if we're lying to ourselves or not. When we went to see a psychiatrist with our parents about this she said it like it was something like DID without expressly pointing DID out as an option. Just that "there are fragments that need to be put back together."
Some days it feels right. Like this is us, and we are really here. Other times it genuinely feels like we're just faking it and we honestly don't know why. We've been put on anxiety medication by our parents with them hoping it would "calm the voices" despite us just knowing that each other exists and that won't do shit. (It's been 3 weeks and nothing has changed.)
Ever since we first suspected that we had this, it was like floodgates opened as we went from a system of 5 to 20 in 2 months or so. I don't even know if this tells anything about us. We've tried to go about life as if nothing had happened a couple of times but it feels impossible now that we know.
I just want to get this out there. I don't know if I'm confusing this with something else, but it feels as real as it can get. I'm just looking for general feedback and to be pointed in any direction really. Anything will be appreciated. If anyone wants elaboration or wants to know more I'll see if we feel up to making a new post or smth like that.

You Matter to Her in a Way No One Else Could
When you died and were reborn, you became divine. You were love, and you were violence, and you were my miracle. A God sprung forth from the decaying machinery of your broken body. Koishi, the God of Love and Hate—have mercy on us all.
Down by the shore of one of the great Lunar seas, there sat a lonely shack thatched with feathers. Inside, there was a massive wani no less than eight leagues long… and her infant son. To that crocodile who had never known true familial love, that delicate little child—who cooed and smiled at his mother’s every move—was nothing less than a miracle. Such a delicate life in her claws, who knew nothing but unconditional love for his mother—to the crocodile, it was proof there was still good in the world.
She was tired, but the crocodile forced herself to stay awake. There was something she needed to do—a memory she wanted to share with the most important person in her life.
So, with all the caution and tenderness in the world, she picked up her child with her jaws and coaxed him into her throat pouch. The newborn child, perhaps having some shared instinct with his crocodilian mother, did not cry or struggle. Instead, he let out a giggle as he poked his head out from between his mother’s jagged teeth. With a snort, the dragon climbed out of her thatch hut, and crawled along the shore, drawing a meandering trail in the sand as she went.
When she reached the point where the water came to shore in gentle waves, the crocodile set herself down in the sand, letting the waves wash in and lick at her child in gentle sprays. Her child giggled as the Lunar sea’s tickled him with its pure waters, and as he did, his mother couldn’t help but feel at peace.
Nothing. Nothing at all would be able to take this from her.
Her miracle.
Toyohime opened her eye to clear blue skies.
She flexed her fingers, and instead of feeling the cold steel of the ship she started to tear apart, she felt so many tiny pebbles, warmed by their time in the sun. Sand? She brought a fistful of the stuff into her vision, before letting it fall through her fingers and run down her face. It was too real to be a dream.
Toyohime sat up to observe her surroundings. As far as the eye could see, there were infinite stretches of sand collected into wind-swept dunes that obscured the horizon. It was hot. Unbelievably so for what was supposedly the void. She felt a gentle gust of warm wind pass by her and toss her hair. This place… this impossible place… was she dead?
She rose to her feet, fighting biting aches and pains from her battle not too long ago. No—not dead. Somehow, she had survived—there was no other explanation. And as she looked down to assess the damage she had taken, her suspicions were only confirmed. Her right arm was missing, and in its place was nothing but a healed stump. The nasty cuts and bruises she had received in the fighting had all healed over for the most part, the only evidence they happened at all being residual scars that were yet to disappear. The ground was covered in dried blood. She must’ve been laying here in this sand trap for hours.
She brought her free arm, completely healed, up to the general space where her right eye was to find an arrow still protruding from it. Wrapping her fingers around the shaft, Toyohime tore it out in a fluid motion, causing the wound to reopen and drip blood onto the sands below. But, through some miraculous action, it was mere moments before the flow of blood stopped as the wound healed shut. Her right eye was still inoperable, but this healing ability was downright uncanny, even for a god.
She flexed her fingers. It felt like there was a hole in her head from which memories and feelings poured out. The mystery of how she got here, who she killed, and whether she could even trust her own senses had no answer—Toyohime knew she herself had made sure of that. She supposed there was a good reason. The less she knew, the better. That was something she could trick herself into believing.
Though no matter how much she forced herself to forget, she had the horrible feeling she had done something unforgivable—something she would kill over. In a sea of atrocities however, she could hardly even begin to suppose what that might have been. Maybe the heat was starting to fry her brain.
After spending a few minutes snapping the arrows lodged in her body by their shafts, Toyohime looked to the horizon, and then up. Ahead, there was a massive sand dune, no less than five times her height, and beyond the crest—a black pillar of smoke. Toyohime was not alone.
As she made her way up the shifting incline, Toyohime got to thinking about her next course of action. If this wasn’t a hallucination, then it most certainly had to be some extension of Koishi's will. Land in an impossible space… the creation of something impossible like that could only be a factor of a deteriorating mind, or God. And Toyohime had no time to consider the possibility of a crumbling psyche—not when she had a duty left unfulfilled.
But then… that would mean this was the paradise of Koishi’s mind. Surely, by her side is where she would find her salvation. She had already come to terms with it—that there was nothing left for her in the old world. Koishi could pervert and corrupt reality in whatever twisted ways she wanted—as long as it was the creation of her heart, it would be sufficient. Everything beyond that was not worth saving to the former princess.
… But that also meant there would be more enemies. More people she had to kill. She was ready. Ready to kill and ready to die in the name of love.
And as she planted her boot upon the peak of that sand dune, she saw the whole world become bare before her. A fair distance away was the crashed wreck of a golden ship, releasing plumes of black smoke as it burnt away. From this distance, it was difficult to make out any finer details, but she was sure the occupants had escaped. Satori was resourceful and stubborn, if nothing else. Dying in a crash was an impossibility.
She then traced a line from the ship through the shifting sands—to a city upon the horizon. Massive towers of glass and steel pushing against the sky, half buried in the sand, bending light around them as they reflected the intense heat of the sun. It gave the sight an unnatural fuzziness, as if the city was threatening to disappear at any moment.
As she traced the decaying visage of those buildings upwards, she saw a thin line reach beyond and into the sky. The line separated into two before converging back on itself. Above the city, etched upon the sky itself, was a pitch black gap in reality, opened and filled with so many eyes. And above still, the object of Toyohime’s desires and her sole driving factor—Koishi Komeiji.
Though the God’s eye was open, as well as the myriad collection of smaller eyes and drooling jaws that had lined every square inch of her squirming appendages, it was hard to tell if she was awake or conscious. Toyohime knew Koishi best, and if she had any guess as to what Koishi had been doing in the time they spent apart, it was receding back into the numbing comfort of her own mind. Even now, Toyohime figured she was still dreaming, avoiding the cruel weight of her responsibility. What manifested outside of her mind must’ve been some sort of twisted runoff.
Down there, hidden in the dunes, Toyohime knew there were those who would take this dream from Koishi. Those who would hurt Koishi. Those people would’ve done just as well to dig their own graves and build their own coffins. Because so long as Toyohime drew breath, she would protect Koishi with everything she could muster—that was her promise and the nature of her impossible, unconditional love.
Koishi was Toyohime’s second chance.
This time, one way or another, there would be no opportunity for a third.
Mima, on the other hand, had woken up quite a bit earlier than Toyohime had.
She had not suffered any fatal wounds or debilitating strikes leading up to the point where the reality around her started to crumble and distort—but she had briefly lost consciousness regardless. She figured that might’ve been a good thing; an action so absurd and so against everything she knew, perpetrated by an impossibly powerful being… even if a mere glimpse didn’t physically tear her mind to ribbons, she had no interest in trying to understand such a nonsensical event.
Mima awoke not in a desert, but in a grand sprawling city of seemingly human construction. Though the sun still hung overhead, the impossible hills and mountains of sand that caged the city in, always seemed to shift and move in the most calculated way… such that the sun was always put out. Caught in the shade, the city looked like it was in a perpetual night, in spite of the blinding yellow of the endless desert just beyond its limits.
Though that was the case, the city was far from dark. Street lamps, blinding neon signs, blinking traffic lights, apartments and houses with windows illuminated by the fluorescent lights within… It gave the impression the city was alive. It seemed exactly as a real bustling city at night, with its breathing and blinking—but there were no people. No matter how far Mima walked, no matter how many buildings she popped in, she would encounter no souls. She would find, in those buildings, immaculate setpieces filled with lived-in charm, hints and implications of life—but not people. Not even Yukari, who she wandered the streets in search of.
She recognized this place. This city—Tokyo. It couldn’t have possibly been, but it was the same Tokyo she grew up in, back before the Moonlight Descent and before the Kaiju. Before her chance meeting with the youkai who used to be her friend. This city, trapped in the middle of the desert, caught in an artificial night that obscured the flow of time—somehow it managed to be the perfect recreation of a long lost city, as if someone had taken a scalpel to the part of Mima’s brain that held onto the precious memories of her past life. It was comforting, being back in familiar territory, but it also carried along a pervasive uneasiness. The nostalgia said it was real, but the rational mind knew better than to buy into an impossible mirage—made all the more uneasy by the deathly silence of its streets.
After wandering around for a dozen minutes or more, Mima eventually came to find Yukari in a 24-hour fast food joint. She was sitting, out of her suit and miraculously healed, on a stool that faced the street outside, with her head down and a small pool of drool collecting at the point where the corner of her mouth met the countertop. Renko always said Maribel could fall asleep anywhere.
Mima floated back and forth around the gently snoring form of Yukari for a bit, considering her options. She changed back into her Renko form for a second, and after adjusting her hat a little, she reached over to tap Yukari on the shoulder… but then shied away. Glancing at Yukari, then back to her bag, she rummaged through its bottomless contents and pulled out a whole host of items: hand mirrors, makeup kits, two liter bottles of listerine, mints and peppermint breath spray and assorted beauty products.
She stole a quick glance back at Yukari to make sure she was asleep before going at it—in one go, she dumped every minty product she could into her mouth before swishing the unholy mixture in her mouth. It was not a moment later that she coughed out all of that liquid ice with a retch and a gag. Sheepishly, she turned her head to see if Yukari had woken up in all the commotion. Luckily, she was still knocked out something fierce. Mima might’ve guessed she was dead, if it weren’t for the occasional snore.
Undeterred, she opened a hand mirror and began to apply her makeup. Carefully. There was a subtle art to it—she only needed enough to hide any unsightly blemishes she might’ve gotten from her rather shut-in lifestyle as a ghost. Anything more, and Maribel was bound to notice Mima was purposefully fixing her appearance around her. None of that. Mima was trying for a more subliminal approach… It’s what worked in the past, after all.
Well, upon further thought, Mima figured “worked” was too strong a word. She did die before she saw any results, after all. But enough of that, Mima thought—now that she regained her memories, she’s finally gotten another shot. This being the apocalypse and all, she figured she should probably make it count.
She clicked close her portable hand mirror and, along with the rest of her stuff, threw it back into her field bag. She stole one last glance at Yukari, who was still sleeping soundly, before straightening her hat and clearing her throat.
“Maribel…” she said in a quiet, sing-song voice. She placed a hand on Yukari’s shoulder and gave it a gentle shake. “Maribel, wake up.”
No response. Mima pouted as she shook her around again. “Merry? It’s so scary around here—I need someone super strong and amazing by my side. Maybe we could hold hands?”
Nothing but more snoring. Mima’s expression fell. “... Okay, seriously. Wake up.”
“Don’t make me break out the big guns, Merry,” Mima said, digging through her bag and pulling out an airhorn. “I’ll do it. You think I’m bluffing?”
A tense beat passes. Mima stows away the airhorn. “... Ah, I’m just kidding. I wouldn’t do something like that to you. You’re too cute, hehe.”
“I’m not above this, though.” She reaches back into her bag and pulls out a spray bottle filled with water… before giving Yukari’s face a couple of quick spritzes.
That quiet, tranquil expression to Mima seemed almost a timeless representation of the relationship she shared with Maribel quickly contorted into one of disgust. After a moment of being pelted with spray after spray of water droplets, Yukari finally was roused from her sleep, a squinty, grouchy mess.
“Who..? Urgh…” She mumbled with a groan. When Yukari saw Renko, immaculately constructed before her with enough accuracy to convince her she came straight from her memories, she froze. Her voice was barely above a whisper. “... Renko?”
“Hehe… Yep, it’s me! Your best friend. Best girl-friend, even. That is, a girl who is also a friend. Not a girlfriend, you know? Aha… Unless? Kidding, kidding.” Mima flashed an easy smile. “Glad you’re awake. Hey, before you say anything else—how do I look? I look cute, right? I know we’re in the middle of saving the world and everything, but I’ve actually been spending a lot of time taking care of my appearance.”
As Mima continued to ramble on and Yukari continued to wake up, her expression made a slow and gradual pivot. Where at first Yukari couldn’t hide her bemusement from her face—as well as that strange pained expression someone would have, seeing a loved one they have long since finished mourning appear upon their doorstep—she eventually came to settle on an empty stare and a neutral, apathetic expression. It hurt Mima a little, seeing such a radical turn in her demeanor.
“Oh,” Yukari muttered. “It’s just you.”
Mima didn’t think she intended it, but there was a layer of latent annoyance in her words. Or maybe it was disappointment? A thousand years or more apart did a lot to shift their relationship. That much was clear—and it hurt.
Yukari took a moment to look Mima up and down. With a scoff and a roll of her eyes, she delivered an unceremonious answer. “You look fine.”
Mima sighed in response. “Hey, I’ll take it.”
“More importantly…” As Yukari continued, she craned her neck around to absorb every detail of her surroundings: everything from the light fixtures above to the tables that were so meticulously set and prepared. “... Where are we?”
Her eyes naturally gravitated toward the front counter and the kitchen section that was just behind—meticulously wrapped burgers and fresh fries, set underneath heat lamps… it was as if they were all made recently. But that wasn’t even the strangest detail Yukari’s eyes were able to pick out. Upon one of the tables was a tray, filled with half eaten food—as if the patrons ceased to exist in the middle of their meal. This was beyond a mere liminal space, where it gave the impression of once being a place where people gathered—it was closer in relation to the scene of an ongoing disaster, where people had left in a hurry.
In that way, it didn’t carry much of the surreal quality of a place no longer meant for humans—it more so felt like a place with a cursed history, its sinister and mysterious narrative etched into its skin and flesh through the vestiges of human presence. Mima could tell, being a ghost herself, there was more to this place than the physical construction. As to what ‘more’ was, she could not place.
She could tell Yukari was thinking something similar by the way she walked around and took in the feeling of the place. Her posture was rigid and cautious, but not necessarily ready and waiting for danger. There was a quiet dread to the things that weren’t, but should’ve been.
“I’m trying to figure that out myself,” Mima replied, following Yukari around with her arms folded behind her back. “You’re going to think I’m crazy, but… I think we’re back in Tokyo.”
“I don’t think you’re crazy.” Yukari replied. She walked over to the table with the food and traced a finger across its top. No dust clung to the surface of her finger, as if the tabletop had recently been cleaned. She brought the back of her palm close to the food. It was still radiating just a little bit of heat, as if it had been freshly served. “That’s the part that scares me.”
“... Assuming this is all very much real, this must be Koishi’s doing,” Yukari declared, taking a moment to look down at herself. As she flexed her fingers, her eyes narrowed. Mima figured she might’ve just realized she had been healed and mysteriously back to her usual outfit. She still looked younger and weaker than she once was, but there was an undeniable, albeit subtle increase in the vitality she seemed to convey. As Yukari’s eyes wandered to the empty city street outside, Mima couldn’t help but notice that expression—that idle, faraway gaze that looked like Yukari had trapped herself in a vivid daydream. She couldn’t help but realize how much Maribel had changed—and yet stayed the same.
“Whatcha thinking, Merry?” Mima tried, shuffling up to Yukari’s side.
“Yukari.”
“Oh. Right. Ha, that’s my bad. My bad…”
“I’m thinking: why Tokyo specifically?” With a wave of her hand, Yukari opened a gap next to her. Through that little tear in reality was a bird’s eye view of the whole city, as well as the infinite desert that surrounded it. “... There must be some significance to this location, but I couldn’t possibly imagine what it could be. Not right now, knowing what we know.”
“Hey, I grew up in Tokyo, you know? Maybe it has something to do with that? And… y’know, we were teaching in Tokyo before…” Mima gestured vaguely around herself. “... Everything, I guess. Maybe Koishi’s reacting to our memories.”
“Could be. Could just as easily be something related to Koishi. Could be nothing at all.” The view through the gap eventually fizzled out, leaving nothing but the inky blackness of the pocket dimension Yukari held dominion over. She let out a sigh before stitching the gap closed with a wave of her hand. “I’d suggest we keep on moving. Collect as much information as we can about this place. But only what we need—the plan is still largely the same. There’s no telling when she will appear again. Best be as quick about it as we can.”
“Oh. Uh… Alright. That’s cool.”
“... What?”
“Hm?”
“What’s wrong? You disagree?”
“Oh no, ah…” A sheepish grin crawled across Mima’s face. “I was just thinking about how much you’ve changed, is all. It’s just… you know, a huge city missing all of its people is pretty mysterious, huh? Don’t you want to do more exploring? Poke around a bit and take in the sights? Like we used to—just one last time?”
There was an unsettling period of silence where Yukari stared straight through Mima with that flat look. She averted her eyes for a passing moment. When Yukari returned her gaze to Mima, it was steely and cold. “No. Neither of us are kids anymore. We have duties and responsibilities that we can not abandon. Not for anything.”
Yukari brushed past Mima. The gesture wasn’t very rough at all, but Mima felt it come at her hard. As Yukari opened the door, she looked back at Mima and gestured to her to follow.
“Let’s go.”
Orin did not want much from life.
There was Satori, her master, who she cared about deeply. There was Okuu, her best friend, who she loved. There was Koishi, the younger sister of her master, who she felt obligated to take care of. And of course, there was her job of transporting corpses, which she could do endlessly and without tiring. Those things more or less encompassed everything she cared about—Orin was a simple person.
So as she crawled out the emergency hatch located at the top of the ship her master had so recklessly buried into a sand dune, she couldn’t help but feel so hopelessly out of her depth. With a groan, she hoisted herself over the lip of the hatch before losing her balance and tumbling over.
As she tumbled downward, bumping her head against every little edge the ship had on her way down, the visor to her suit cracked and then shattered. But as she flopped down into the warm sand, her arms and legs spread in a state of absolute fatigue, she couldn’t really bring herself to care about the warning tones in her helmet—or the fact she was able to breathe the air here, in what used to be the void. Frankly, all she could think about was how much she wanted to go home.
“Orin! Are you okay?” A familiar voice called from somewhere outside her field of vision. It was followed by the hasty clattering of boots on metal as they no doubt clambered down the ship in a hurry.
All Orin could offer in response was a weak grunt and the extension of a thumbs up.
“Are… are you insane?” Another voice called soon after, all breathless and hoarse. It cracked with exertion, as if it had already been worn out by so much screaming. “Satori, what form of devil possessed you to do that? We could’ve all died!”
Satori, of course, didn’t respond. Not before she entered Orin’s field of view, her own helmet long since thrown away. Her face was etched with a rare look of concern, and she breathed a deep sigh of relief when she saw Orin manage a weak smile. Wordlessly, Satori jostled off the smashed helmet from Orin’s suit and brushed away any remaining debris… before pulling her into a tight embrace.
Orin, dazed and shocked from the crash, could manage little else than to rest her head upon her master’s shoulders as she was pulled in. But through whatever stores of energy she had left, she managed to raise her arms and wrap them around in loose reciprocation.
“I’m okay,” she whispered. “I’m okay.”
Satori pulled back from the hug, but stayed kneeling by Orin’s side. Cautiously, she looked to the horizon, as if she had caught a vanishing glimpse of something stalking them from behind the shifting sands. She extended an elbow for Orin to grab on to. “Let’s go. Can you stand?”
“I… I think so,” Orin mumbled, hooking one of her arms around Satori’s elbow and placing a hand on her shoulder for support. Her master lifted, and in response Orin tried her best to stumble onto her feet, with mixed results. As she straightened herself out with the help of Satori, she heard her bones shift and crackle in strange ways—followed by an absolute lightning strike of localized pain in the leg and the fuzzy static that came to replace it.
After a sharp intake of breath and a pained wince, Orin settled into a decidedly unconvincing posture—she plastered a smile on her face and shifted all of her weight onto the other leg in a poor imitation of nonchalance, but Satori’s face only got graver. It broke Orin’s heart. For a moment, Orin tried to separate herself from her master so she could stand on her own—but Satori only squeezed her in closer, as if she would’ve lost Orin the second she let go.
That didn’t surprise Orin much. She knew better than anyone that the events one year ago were still fresh in her master’s mind. Even now, it haunted her every action, and now the consequences were starting to catch up with everyone involved. But to Orin, that didn’t matter. It never did—not so long as Satori was her master, and Orin was her pet. Satori could march to the deepest pit of Hell, pick a fight with a God, oppose reality itself… and Orin would march along right beside her, no matter what.
Patchouli, on the other hand, did not share the same sentiment. She marched up to the two, at least temporarily uncaring of the fantastical environment they found themselves in, and went straight to airing out her grievances.
“Recklessly engaging with Toyohime like that, against all better logic… one day, and this day might very well come sooner than you think, your obsession with that cursed woman will hurt someone you care about,” Patchouli snapped. As she looked to Orin, whose body was riddled with evidence of blunt trauma, her expression softened. “... It already has.”
“As if we had any other choice. It was our best shot to kill her, once and for all,” Satori replied, stone-faced and cold. “... Besides, let Orin speak for herself. As if you know what she does and doesn’t wish for.”
“... Orin wasn’t the only person who got hurt. Or killed.”
“It just so happens that Eirin conveniently falls outside my definition of ‘people I care about.’ I fail to see the issue.” Satori snorted with disgust, as if offended by the mere implication. Orin wanted to speak up and cut between the fighting, but couldn’t find the strength to oppose her own master. “That aside, who says I was the one who got her killed? She got herself killed, following her own incomprehensible mess of half-baked ideas and strategies. What are you coming at me for?”
“How could you be so cold toward someone like her? Especially since we were all fighting out there together, as comrades? Have you no shame?”
“I’ve no love for her. Not after what she did to my sister.” Satori stared straight into Patchouli’s eyes. Sometimes her master was like this—staring straight ahead through a person, as if judging the content of their soul itself. Sometimes, this was literally the case, given that she made liberal use of her opened third eye. “We might be fighting beside each other, but we’re fighting for completely different things. Yukari, Eirin, Kaguya, even you and I—we’re all fighting for something different. Those are just the facts. Just as it was a fact that Koakuma had darkness in her heart. It’s that kind of fact.”
“How cynical. Aren’t we friends?”
Satori fixed Patchouli with a steady glare as she thought through her answer. Even with an open eye, Orin found her master’s thought process difficult to parse.
“... No. We aren’t,” Satori settled. “It’s not a secret—I’m fighting to get my sister back. I’m fighting to kill the person who turned her into a monster. I’m fighting to protect my family. You are doing none of those things—you’re fighting for a more abstract reason: protecting the world, or preventing human suffering, or whatever other justification you assign to your actions. It’s admirable, but recognize that It’s only by convenience that we’re here, helping each other out.”
“... Is that right?” Patchouli muttered under her breath. “Then if it came between Yukari, or Eirin, or me, or anyone else… and your family. Who would you choose?”
Silence.
“It’s best to be honest with ourselves. It saves us the heartache.”
“I see.”
In the silence that came after, the atmosphere seemed to become heavier. Orin spent each passing beat being suffocated by the pressure. Her eyes darted from Patchouli to her master, and then back again.
“Er…” Orin started. “Let’s ah… could we just figure out what we’re going to do next, maybe? Without fighting—that would be nice.”
“Good plan, Orin,” Satori said. Though strangely enough, she wouldn’t take her eyes off of Patchouli. “I’m not quite sure what we would do without you.”
Patchouli looked away. Orin couldn’t help but feel vaguely responsible—though the second the thought even popped into mind, Satori squeezed a little tighter, as if in reassurance.
“... There’s no use in arguing,” Patchouli said with a heavy sigh. “Or rather, it’s a subject for later, when we aren’t all in danger. For now, I agree—we should figure out our next steps.”
The guns had long since run quiet.
Those satellites—their powerful bodies forged by the greatest minds, cast in the strongest metals, and mounted with the fiercest weapons humanity could muster—how could they have possibly matched the horror of God’s wrath? They could never, and for their hubris, their bodies and their souls were scattered and broken as a million glittering lights upon the ocean.
Those were the kinds of things Kaguya Houraisan thought about as she sat beside a flickering fire, her only source of light deep in the darkness of a desert night, not a few meters from the turned and battered wreckage of the CNS Beyond the Sun. In the void, It was battered by unseen force, turned three times—and upon the fourth, struck down and consumed by the void, as was the divine will of God. To its crew, it might have seemed like nothing less than a castigation of divine nature—but Kaguya knew it was nothing more than the temper tantrum of a child. As infant children must necessarily cry, Koishi must necessarily kill—it was her unconscious will.
Woe upon humanity, as its greatest accomplishment was brought low and made worthless before a child. Her own child. What a dubious honor it was—being the mother of such a terrifying, omnipresent killer.
Kaguya was on the ship when it was attacked by Toyohime. She was there to see Eirin march on to meet her. And she was there to see her die. It didn’t bother Kaguya too much—after all, she had watched Eirin die countless times. She will likely watch her die countless more, before all is said and done. But it was there, seized by the temporary shock, that Kaguya lost consciousness. When she woke up, she was deep within the fresh wreckage of humanity’s greatest weapon—alone. On what happened to her crew, and why Kaguya was spared, she could only make guesses.
With no direction and no plan, Kaguya spent what felt like hours wandering the claustrophobic halls of that great metal cage of a ship. But she was alone. Alone in such a way that not even the impression of humanity remained. Even the spot where she saw three men become atomized by Toyohime’s attack, which had burnt dark impressions of their silhouettes into the steel, was mysteriously void of any sign they were killed at all. The damage remained, but the people were gone—erased from existence in a way only God could manage.
When she eventually emerged from the dark recesses of the ship into a darker night, with nothing but the stars above and the inexplicable ground below, she could do nothing but start a simple fire. The night was cold, and she had a feeling it would be long. Warmth would be needed.
This, alone and huddled by a dying fire, must have been the end. Kaguya shifted closer to the flame, and held her knees closer to her chest. She didn’t know what to do. When her own daughter had sought her out, she didn’t know what to say. All she could do was recognize—that in pursuit of an easy life, she had made things so much worse. She wondered if it was too late to make things right between herself and Koishi. If Kaguya had looked up to her daughter now, and said sorry, would she hear? Would she care?
She wasn’t sure. And she wasn’t sure if she wanted to find out.
As she stared at the stars above, Kaguya heard the shuffling of boots displacing the sand. The sounds came in an irregular, halting motion. When it came to a stop, Kaguya lowered her gaze to the figure who stood at the edge of her fire’s light.
A moon rabbit in a pilot suit, all ripped up, tattered, and blackened by combat. In the gaps of her suit, her skin had melted away from severe burns—and froze in place, creating large patches of gangrenous tissue that covered her body. As Kaguya’s eyes drifted downward, she noticed a patch of body that had a view to the other side. Somehow, by some miracle of medicine, the wound remained stable and closed.
Her face was concealed by her helmet, tinted and patterned by a spider web of cracks, but by the way she stood, so still and lopsided, Kaguya had the impression of an empty gaze just behind the facade.
The moon rabbit carried in her left hand a revolver, its chambers empty and on display as the mechanism that connected the grip to the top half of the hung loose. In her other hand, was an ax, splintered in half at the handle from excessive use and its blade caked in a thick layer of blood.
Without a word, the moon rabbit collapsed into a heap by the fire.
Kaguya rushed to the moon rabbit’s side and, upon removing her helmet, froze.
Atonement—she wondered if it was even possible.
Previous Chapter:
Interim Chapter 11

https://polyphys.com/repulsionspectrum.php
Repelling particles move according to path functions that cannot be written explicitly, but nevertheless can be calculated. Here I wanted to see what those path functions look like in frequency space. It requires broadening the paths via Gaussian convolution. The results are not unexpected: 2 peaks result from modulation in the inverse space, and so the spectrum when transforming only along x consists of a wave that increases in wavelength where the particles are closest together.
This is the first time I've applied 2D Fourier transform in javascript. Doing it the naive way requires 4 nested for loops, which is computationally very expensive. I ended up using wavetables to speed things up.
Something interesting that I encountered:
When you FT a 2D function along the x axis, you split it into real and imaginary parts corresponding to cosines and sines; let's call them cx and sx. When you then apply FT along the y axis, you split cx and sx into cosines and sines along the y axis, so cx becomes cxcy, cxsy, and sx becomes sxcy, sxsy. By keeping track of the imaginary component we see that the real part of the full 2D FT will be cxcy-sxsy, and the imaginary part will be cxsy+sxcy. It makes me wonder what these individual cross-components represent, that they would be combined in this way. Might be interesting to look at them individually.

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